


Breaking The Waves

by MarmOTeen



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Minor Character Death, Pandemics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 53,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29153715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarmOTeen/pseuds/MarmOTeen
Summary: How do you handle falling in love and building a new relationship while fighting on the frontline of a raging pandemic? This is the challenge awaiting Dr Anna Smith, ICU Doctor in York. TW for disease (obviously) and minor character's deaths (sorry...) Modern AU (obviously too)
Relationships: Anna Bates/John Bates
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**_December 22 nd, 2019_ **

**_8:15am_ **

**_York Royal University Hospital, Intensive Care Unit_ **

\- And last of all, Mr Phillips, 46 years-old, admitted three day ago for a septic shock from prostatic infection. Good response to double antibiotherapy and IV fluids, has been going without vasopressive amins for twelve hours. If things continue that way I think he’ll be fit to be moved to conventional ward tomorrow.

Dr Anna Smith was sitting in her scruffy scrubs, nursing a cup of coffee in the ICU staff room, summarizing her night shift to her fellow doctor who was taking the following day shift.

\- Alright, concluded Ed, all noted. So all in all, they were quite well behaved for you?

\- You could say that, Anna chuckled. I even managed to get about three hours sleep between two and five. Although I spent about forty minutes on the phone with Mrs Jenning’s husband. He’s having a hard time understanding his wife’s situation, and trust what we’re doing. He might call again today, to check that you agree with me. You know, since you’re a “man” doctor, she sneered.

For some of the older patients or family, dealing with a woman doctor in the ICU was still something hard to accept. The technical part being over, the ICU crew enjoyed a few minutes coffee break, talking about this and that, before the night crew left and the day crew set to work. Sipping on her mug of tea, Gwen Dawson, one of the unit’s nurses, started:

\- Hey, guys, have you heard about that new virus in China? Saw it on the news, seems like they’re putting a whole city under lock-down… Apparently causes acute respiratory failure.

\- Yeah, read some articles about that… sighed Ed. Don’t know how serious it is though. There’s not much information available. Let’s hope it stays local and doesn’t blow up.

\- We should hope so, added Anna, because I don’t see how the NHS as it stands will be able to bear a widespread epidemic… We’re already stretched thin as it is.

\- That’s true… said Gwen.

\- Anyway, stated Anna, putting both hands flat on the table, I’m now officially on holiday, for an unimaginable period of seven whole days, so, I'm off, guys! Enjoy yourselves while I’m away.

\- Go home, Dr Smith! playfully scolded Ed.

***

Anna was riding her bike home, looking forward to her week’s break. The holiday season was always reason for a fight among the team when it came to awarding days off, as everyone wanted to have time with their family and friends over Christmas and New Year. Therefore, it was not every year that Anna was able to secure a whole week off, moreover including Christmas Eve and Christmas day. So she was very much thrilled to have quality time ahead with her four year-old son Timothy and with Charles and Elsie Carson, who were the closest thing she had to a family. Right now, she longed for her flat, for a shower and then three more hours sleep before she got up and went to the Carson’s house to pick up Timmy. Being a single mother to a preschool child and ICU doctor was not an easy life, but Anna found it rewarding, if exhausting. Critical care medicine had been her goal since she had entered med school. She was in her last year before graduation when Timmy had come, and she had decided not to let motherhood hinder her career plans. Still, balancing a small kid with a job that called on her nights and week-ends was quite an equilibrist’s task. Timmy was enrolled into a preschool, and she was paying a nanny out of her sole salary to watch him before and after preschool hours when she was on call. She was very grateful to the Carsons for taking time out of their retirement to watch Timmy on her nights and week-ends shifts. She wouldn’t be able to afford child care around the clock.

When she had parked her bike in her building’s bike shed, she made her way to the lift, checking her phone while waiting for it. Mary Crawley, her best friend, had sent her a video of her five year-old son George riding his bike for the first time, and she was inviting her to drop by that afternoon with Timmy at her place to enjoy some pre-Christmas activity. Mary had been her best friend since high school, even though they had chosen different career paths. As she had gone to med school, Mary had headed to law school, where she had met her husband Matthew. She was now working with her father, managing the Downton Estate. The Crawleys were by far the wealthiest family in the area, but Mary was an outgoing girl, and she had never made Anna feel less worthy for her lack of personal fortune. She had been very supportive around the time of Anna’s pregnancy and Timmy’s birth, despite being herself a new mother to George. Anna smiled at the cute video, and typed back: “Alright, great, we’ll be there around 3. Kudos to George!”. Timmy wasn’t much of a napper any more anyway, so she would ride to Mary’s straight after lunch with the Carsons. She let out a relieved sigh when she closed her flat’s door behind her, let her backpack fall on the floor and headed straight to the shower.

***

In another part of York, John Bates was finishing getting ready for his last day of work before the holiday break. While the touristic part of Downton Estate stayed open during Christmas time, the administrative services, in which he worked as an accountant, closed for a week between Christmas and New Year. While he was washing his breakfast dishes, John had his phone ear-set in his ears and discussed with his mother:

\- Yes, Ma’, I’ll be there on Christmas Eve, as I promised you. What about Christmas Day, do you want me to come too?

\- No, I’m meeting some friends for Christmas lunch. But you, what plans do you have?

\- Well, Rob and Cora Crawley have invited me over for Christmas lunch, so don’t worry, I’ll be fed and watered.

Margaret Bates chuckled at the other end of the line. John asked:

\- Who are you meeting then?

\- Oh just Edna and Rose, we’re going to a concert.

\- Oh? What kind of concert?

\- Scottish music.

\- Oh, right. I should have known, teased John.

Margaret Bates help a deep passion for her home country of Scotland, although she had lived in York for about fifty years now.

\- Hey, asked John, did you get your flu shot this year?

\- Of course I did, more than a month ago! My GP and my cardio wouldn’t let me walk in peace if I hadn’t, what with my heart issues and all.

\- Alright, good. I thought so, but I just wanted to be sure. So, Ma’, sorry but I have to go to work. See you the day after tomorrow.

\- Fine, m’boy, replied Margaret. Have a good day. I love you.

\- I love you too Ma’.

John smiled as he hung up the phone. He had always been close to his mother, and they had been even more so since he had finally divorced his wife of ten years, Vera, five years ago, and his mother had been there for him, patiently helping him to pick up the pieces of his heart, without judgement. Since then, she regularly hinted that he should go out more and find himself a nice girl, because she would quite like to be a grandmother one day. But John had been rather marked by his bad experience with Vera, and didn’t feel at all up to taking some risks with his heart again.

***

At half past noon, Anna was riding her way to the Carsons’ house. Bicycle riding was one of her favourite activities. Living in the city, not far from the hospital, Timmy’s preschool, the Carsons’ and Mary’s houses, virtually all her daily travels were done cycling. She didn’t mind the English weather, as she had a wide collection of riding outfits for every weather. On her days off, she would often take Timmy on longer rides, in a bike trailer, or, now that he was a bit older, on a ride-along bike. It was also a way for her to get enough daily exercise, in a hectic life that didn’t allow her much time to go to the gym. After a fifteen minutes ride, her cheeks were bright red but she felt wide awake when she parked her bike in the Carsons’ garage. She knocked and entered the house without waiting for an answer.

\- Hey there! she called out in the hallway.

Immediately, she heard little feet running towards her, and Timmy threw himself in her arms.

\- Mummy! yelled the little boy.

\- Hello sweetheart! she said, taking him into a close hug. Were you good to Charlie and Elsie this morning?

\- Yes! said the boy, beaming. I did cooking with Elsie!

\- Oh, nice! praised Anna. And it smells very good! Come on and show me what you have cooked!

Timmy took her hand and dragged her to the kitchen, where Elsie Carson was finishing to wrap up lunch.

\- Hi Auntie Elsie, said Anna.

\- Hello dear, replied the older woman, with her light Scottish lilt.

The two women hugged each other.

\- Did everything go well with Timmy last night?

\- Perfect! He’s a darling boy, that one, cheered Elsie.

\- Where’s Uncle Charlie? asked Anna.

\- Oh, he’s gone out this morning, met his friends from the bridge club. Although I expect he’ll be back any minute now. He knows better than to be late for lunch!

Anna chuckled. For five years now, since Anna had fallen out with her own parents, Charles and Elsie Carson had acted as some kind of foster parents to her, and grand-parents to Timmy. She sometimes felt bad putting that weight on them, just when they could finally rest in their early years of retirement, but they kept repeating her that they were thrilled to look after the little boy. They had no children of their own.

Just as Elsie had predicted, a few minutes later, Anna heard the front door open, and Charles’s voice booming:

\- So, my girl, how has the hospital been treating you last night?

\- Fine, fine, Uncle Charlie, answered Anna.

\- So, let’s sit down for lunch before my roast-beef gets burnt, called Elsie from the kitchen.

When they were all seated in front of a well-garnished plate, conversation started flowing again.

\- So, Anna, as a critical care doctor, what do you think of these reports from China, what do they call it, “Coronovirus”?

\- Coronavirus… sighed Anna. Well, not much right now… I searched the medical journals a bit, but there really isn’t much reliable information available at the moment. It might become something of a worry though. We’ll have to see how it goes.

\- Hey, what if we talked about something happier, suggested Elsie. Like, Christmas perhaps, she added, eyeing at Timmy.

\- Yay! I wanna stay awake all night and see Santa!

Anna laughed at her son’s eagerness. She didn’t know yet what the future had in store for them, but she did intend to make the most of the next week with Timmy and all the people she loved.


	2. Chapter 2

_**March 2020** _

_**3.15 pm** _

Anna was finally taking a well-earned few minutes break, shovelling her lunch down, when her on-call phone rang, again. So, it had blown up alright. Definitely. She sighed, quickly swallowed her mouthful of pasta and answered:

\- Yes?

At the other end of the line, was Gwen, her fellow nurse.

\- Anna, it’s Gwen, sorry for your break, but we’re admitting a new patient, coming from home with the paramedics. Seventy-three years old female, history of heart disease, acute dyspnoea for two days. Highly suspected Covid19.

Anna sighed again, rubbed her eyelids with the tip of her fingers and put her fork down.

\- Alright, I’ll be right there.

She closed her lunch box and shoved it back into the staff room’s fridge. Then she put her mask, goggles and surgical gown back on, and headed back into the line of fire.

For about two weeks now, Covid had started invading Great-Britain, York having had the “honour” to be the place where the first two British cases had been detected. Now patients were being admitted daily into York’s hospital. There had been countless meetings between medical, technical and admin staff, to reorganize all the wards, securing beds for Covid-suffering patients, separated from non-Covid wards. Elective surgeries had been cancelled, to make room for urgent hospitalizations. It was hard, but there was a positive energy flowing among every category of employees, to unite their efforts into facing this totally novel situation. Everyone had risen up to the challenge with goodwill. Anna had been dispatched to an eight-beds Covid critical care unit, along with a crew of doctors, nurses, assistant nurses and physical therapists. They had quickly learnt to be much more careful than usual with their personal protective equipment. N95 masks had replaced surgical masks, goggles were worn all day instead of only when performing specific procedures on patients. There were concerns that PPE would soon be in short supply, so while they had been told at first to change their masks every two hours, guidelines had gradually shifted to four hours, then to keep the same mask for their whole twelve-hours shift. Six of her eight beds were already occupied by Covid-suffering patients, and she was now headed to admit her seventh. She went through the ward, to the bed where the paramedics were settling the new arrival. The old woman was wearing an oxygen mask, and her breath was obviously laboured. Gwen was already at her side, had put a tensiometer armband on her arm, and a pulse oximeter on her finger. She was now working on putting an IV line on her other arm.

Anna took the medical file the paramedic was handing her, and thanked them as they went away. She flipped through the few sheets, that taught her her new patient’s name, age, and medical history. There was not much medical information, and she thought she would have to give a call to the lady’s GP later, to get more. The name did vaguely ring a bell to her, but she didn’t have time to dwell on it. She turned to the elderly woman:

\- Hello, Mrs Bates, I am Dr Anna Smith. I will be taking care of you during your stay with us in the ICU. If you can speak, would you please tell me what happened those last few days?

In between hard-drawn breaths, Margaret Bates managed to tell Anna:

\- Well… I’ve had some… flu-like symptoms… for about five days… you know… fever, headache, muscles pains… I thought it odd… I’ve had my flu shot… Then the day before yesterday… it got worse… I started feeling… out of breath at the smallest effort… So today… when my son saw me… he called 999…

\- Yes, I think it might not be the flu, Mrs Bates, but maybe Covid19. You’ve heard about that surely? asked Anna.

\- I have… You think I have Covid?!

\- I’m not sure yet, we have to run some tests to be sure, but it’s a possibility. Right now I’m going to examinate you, and then we’ll take you to the radiology unit to do a lung CT scan.

***

A few hours later, when Anna had obtained the results of Margaret Bates’s CT scan and Covid PCR, which was obviously positive, she went to sit into the doctors’ office searching for quiet, before calling her son to keep him informed. She sighed, and hoped that the government would soon enforce drastic measures to stop the spread of the epidemic. She had heard talks of “herd immunity” strategy, and wondered how many lives would be lost in pursuing that particular goal. She dialled the number written in Mrs Bates’s file.

\- Hello, said a tense male voice.

\- Hello, Mr Bates?

\- Yes?

\- I’m Dr Anna Smith, from the ICU in York Hospital. I’m the doctor treating your mother, Mrs Margaret Bates.

\- Yes. Yes, how is she? Is it really Covid19?

\- I’m afraid it is. Her PCR test came back positive, and her lung CT scan shows images consistent with a SARS, that is a severe acute respiratory syndrome. Her lungs are seriously damaged, she added, to be more clear. And from what I gathered, her heart was already fragile…

\- Jesus… sighed John on the other end of the line. That’s serious then.

\- It is, Mr Bates, I’m sorry.

A few seconds silence passed, before John asked:

\- Do you think she will make it?

\- We’ll do our best, Mr Bates, you can be sure of that. But this is a new and serious disease, and we are still learning how to handle it. I’m afraid I cannot make blank promises.

\- Right. I understand, answered John, his voice thick. And… I cannot come and visit her, I guess.

\- I’m sorry, no, the hospital rules are forbidding visits at the moment. For your own safety.

\- Right, he repeated. Can I at least bring her some of her stuff?

\- Of course. You can bring it to the door of the unit, and we’ll take it to her.

\- Alright, thank you.

\- I’m sorry, Mr Bates. Once again, be assured that we’ll take the best care of your mother.

\- Please, do, he asked. She’s the only family I have.

\- I promise. I, or another doctor if I’m not there, will keep you informed at least once a day, or more if necessary.

\- Alright. Thank you Dr Smith. Goodbye.

\- Goodbye.

Anna hung up the phone, and briefly closed her eyes. She was used, after several years as a critical care doctor, to delivering bad news to relatives. But she usually tried, as much as possible, to do it face to face rather than on the phone. But Covid made it impossible, since families were banned from the ward, to try and prevent spreading the disease. That measure was very hard to enforce, and relatives often grew frustrated with not being able to be at their loved ones’ side, especially if things turned bad. Some people would beg or yell over the phone, some would come anyway and demand to be let in. The IT department had provided tablets so that patients, at least those who were conscious, could communicate with their families over Whatsapp or Skype, but it was definitely not the same.

Putting her phone back into her scrubs’ pocket, Anna got up and looked at her reflection in the mirror above the sink that stood on the wall of the doctors’ office. She had deep red marks on her nose and cheeks, where the mask and goggles bit into the skin. It hurt, but there was no other way to protect herself efficiently. She massaged her face for a moment, then put the mask and goggles back on, and went back to the ward. As she walked through the unit, she came across Jo Molesley, the physical therapist.

\- Hey there, Jo, how are you?

\- Oh, hi Dr Smith, I’m fine, thank you. Doing my round with your patients.

\- Thank you Jo. And you know you can call me Anna!

Joseph Molesley was about fifty years old, smiling and friendly, but also shy and a bit formal. He had been working in the ICU for about six months, but Anna had a hard time making him call her by her first name. Physical therapy was a very important part of critical care. Physiotherapists helped ensure that patients, who lay motionless on their beds for most of the day, lost the least possible muscle, that their joints did not get too stiff, and that they didn’t get bed sores. As she walked away, Anna heard Jo calling back:

\- Oh, er, Anna?

\- Yes?

\- Have you seen Ms Baxter?

Anna smiled: Phyllis Baxter was the ICU Head nurse, and about every one in the unit knew that Jo was soft on her, except herself, apparently. People were taking bets as to how long it would take Jo to finally ask her out.

\- In her office, I think, Anna answered.

\- Oh, yes, thank you, said Jo, before walking away.

***

Anna was on her way to change into her civilian clothes before leaving the hospital, when the outside bell rang.

\- I’ll get it, she bellowed to her colleagues, so that the night crew knew she was taking care of it.

Picking up the intercom receiver, she answered:

\- Yes?

The same male voice she had heard a few hours earlier on the phone said:

\- Hello, I’m Margaret Bates's son, I was told I could bring her some personal stuff.

\- Oh, yes. This is Dr Smith speaking. I’m coming to pick it up.

\- Thanks.

Anna walked to the unit entrance, and let herself out in the hallway, staying at a safe distance from her patient’s son. He was tall and broad-shouldered, with dark hair and soft hazel eyes. He showed her a large plastic bag:

\- Well, there it is.

\- Alright, I’ll bring it to her.

\- Thank you very much. Can you tell her… he continued, but his voice trailed into silence, his cheeks blushing a little bit.

\- Tell her what? asked Anna gently, smiling, although John could not see her smile behind her mask.

He noticed however, that the smile he couldn’t see reflected in her light blue eyes. He instantly felt confident that his mother was in good hands.

\- Just… Please tell her I love her, he said, seemingly a bit ashamed.

\- I will… promised Anna.

As John turned away, she added:

\- There’s nothing wrong in telling one’s mother we love them, Mr Bates. Nothing to be ashamed of. I’ll tell her alright, and I know she’ll be happy to hear it.

John smirked a little and replied:

\- Thank you, Dr Smith, before he left for good.

Anna picked up the bag, and walked back to Margaret Bates’s room

The old woman smiled at her when Anna approached her bed. Her breath had somewhat quieted down with the right amount of oxygen, and Anna hoped it would stay that way.

\- Hi Mrs bates. So, your son was just here, he brought all this for you, she said, showing her the large bag. He also asked me to tell you he loved you.

Margaret’s eyes gleamed.

\- Dearest boy, she answered. I love him too. Very much. He’s the only family I have, you know Dr Smith.

Anna remembered John Bates telling her the same on the phone earlier.

\- No other kids? No grandchildren? asked Anna.

She liked to ask her patients about their personal history, when they were able to talk, anyway.

Margaret shook her head.

\- No, my dear. John is an only child. I’ve been a widow for thirty-two years now, and I never married again.

Margaret took a few seconds to steady her breathing, and went on:

\- As for grandchildren, I would love to have some, but John has been divorced for five years, and it’s fortunate he didn’t have any kids with that awful ex-wife of his. I wouldn’t have liked him to share a child with that witch. Nasty piece of work, that one.

Anna chuckled. So the old woman hadn’t liked her former daughter-in-law.

\- But I still hope that maybe someday, you know, I’ll be a grandmother.

\- Maybe, yes, stated Anna, neutrally.

\- And what about you, dear, do you have kids?

\- I have a son, replied Anna. He’s four.

\- Oh, he must be so proud of his mummy, being a doctor.

\- Oh, I don’t know, he usually complains that I’m coming home too late. Would you like me to get the things out of that bag for you, added Anna, willing to change subject.

She liked to know a bit about her patients, but she didn’t like telling them about her own personal life.

\- But, shouldn’t you be headed home? Your boy must be waiting for you! You’ve already had a long day.

\- I can spare five minutes, assured Anna.

She put the bag at the foot of Margaret’s bed, and peeked into it. First, she took out a photo frame, holding a picture of John and Margaret, standing beaming in a beautiful and wild landscape.

\- Oh, that’s a nice photo. Where was it taken?

\- Scottish Highlands, answered Margaret. John and I took this road trip there three years ago, for my seventieth birthday. I’m Scottish-born, see, and I wanted him to know the land of his ancestors. I’d like to do the same with my grandchildren if I had some.

\- I see.

\- Do you know Scotland, Dr Smith?

\- I’m afraid not, answered Anna, a little ashamed.

Although the Scottish border was not that far from Yorkshire, she had never been there.

\- Do you want me to put that frame on your bedside table? she asked.

\- Yes, please, m’dear.

Margaret seemed a little out of breath for speaking too much. Anna then took out a small CD player, with a few CDs. She noticed that most of them where of Scottish music. She also put the player and the CDs on the night-stand, next to the frame. Next thing she took out of the bag was a large and soft plaid.

\- Aaaah, said Margaret, my favourite tartan. You know that the colours and lines on tartans are specific for each clan? This is my clan’s tartan. I’m a Keith, proudly stated the old woman.

\- Right, said Anna, amused.

She vaguely remembered something about clans and tartans.

\- So, you’re really into Scotland, aren’t you?

\- My heart and soul lie in the Scottish Highlands Dr Smith, stated Margaret emphatically. When my time comes, I want to rest there, on my ancestor’s land.

Anna nodded, hoping that that moment had not yet come. She smiled, trying to make it show in her eyes, and suggested:

\- Would you like me to spread the tartan on the bed?

\- Yes, please.

When she was done, Anna looked in the bag again. There was only one small item left at the bottom. She reached for it and handed it to Margaret.

\- Ah, my rosary. Thank you my dear.

The elderly woman took the rosary and intertwined her fingers with it.

\- In times of trouble, let’s keep faith in the Lord, she said confidently.

The bag being empty, Anna put it into a corner of the room, and said.:

\- Alright Margaret, I’ll go now. Would you like me to put on a CD for you?

\- No, thank you m’dear. Thank you very much for taking time with an old woman like me. Now quickly go to your little boy.

Anna gently squeezed Margaret’s hand and left.

***

Night had already fallen when Anna emerged from the hospital on her bike and rode her way home. She was a bit late, but both Timmy and his nanny Esther were used to it. Esther was finishing to wash the dishes when Anna entered her flat, at around nine o’clock.

\- Good evening Esther, sorry, I’m late.

\- No problem Mrs Smith.

\- Is everything alright with Timmy?

\- Fine! He’s been in bed for about half an hour, but I think he’s not asleep yet. He said he wanted to wait for you.

\- Right. I’ll go see him then. Thank you Esther, goodnight.

Anna silently walked to her son’s room, and stopped by the door. She peeked inside, hoping to see if Timmy was asleep without her being seen, but Timmy was watching, and called out to her:

\- Mummy?

Anna smiled and entered.

\- Hey there, sweetheart, you should be sleeping! It’s late for little boys! And there’s school tomorrow…

\- I know but I want mummy’s kiss goodnight!

Anna felt her heart tighten in her chest. Sometimes she felt bad about her working hours, felt like she was robbing her son from the time he was owed with her.

\- I’m sorry sweetie, there are a lot of sick people right now.

She lay on Timmy’s bed, taking his head in the crook of her arm, stroking his blond hair.

\- So, tell me, what did you do today?

When Timmy had told her the highlights of his day in preschool, they lay close to one another, Anna singing a light lullaby, until she heard to Timmy’s deep and regular breathing that he had fallen asleep. She slowly got up, careful not to wake him, and headed to the shower.

In her pyjamas, Anna went to the kitchen and searched the fridge for something to snack on. She remembered that she had forgotten her half-eaten lunch-box in the ICU’s staff room’s fridge. With a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich, she sat at her kitchen table, scrolling social media. Virtually everywhere, people were discussing Covid. There were more and more posts urging people to “flatten the curve”, that is, to wear masks in public places, and practise social distancing. Some politicians or scientists called out to the Prime Minister to take things more seriously. Anna startled when her phone started ringing, showing Mary’s number.

\- Hello?

\- Oh, Anna, hi, I figured you wouldn’t be sleeping.

\- Well I’ve just come home from work.

\- Yes, about that, is it true that you’ve admitted Margaret Bates today?

Anna frowned.

\- Er, how do you know about that? Is she an acquaintance of yours?

\- She’s John Bates’s mother!

Still Anna could not make the connection.

\- Yes, so? Do you know him?

\- Anna Smith! John Bates is one of my father’s closest friends! They go way back, to the time when they were in the military! He works for us at Downton estate.

At last Anna saw the light. She knew she had already heard that name somewhere, but she had not been able to pin it down until now. Mary must have talked about him now and then, although she had never met him until that day. She was close to Mary, but not especially to her parents, and she had no reason to meet any friend of theirs.

\- Oh, er, right. Now you tell me, I remember.

\- So? How is she? Is it bad?

\- Hum, Mary, I’m sorry, as much as I love you, I’m not allowed to discuss her with you. You’re not her next of kin. There such a thing as medical secrecy you know. I’ve told everything I had to John Bates, so I suggest you ask him directly.

She could hear Mary pout at the other end of the line. Mary Crawley was not used to not getting what she asked for.

\- Alright, alright. I will. Or Papa will, anyway. Will we meet tomorrow? asked Mary, changing the subject.

\- Hum, well, let me see. I’m on the night shift tomorrow, but I have to go grocery shopping in the morning, then I have a work Zoom meeting at one o’clock, and then I’m picking up Timmy at preschool at half past three… Do you want to meet after school at the park with George? That’s the only moment I can grant you I’m afraid.

\- After school meeting at the park it is then. Good night, Dr Smith.

\- Goodnight Mary. See you tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days had passed, between shifts in the ICU, domestic chores, time with Timmy and a few extended bike rides, to blow off some steam. The number of Covid cases was steadily rising, but Anna’s unit was already full. A few patients died rapidly after their admission, but those who did not usually were in for a long stay in the ICU, so beds tended to stay blocked for a long time. The hospital was constantly trying to stretch its wall and find some ways to open new beds. Operation theatres and post-surgery wards had been turned into Covid beds. The day before, Elsie had called Anna, asking for her advice on her and Charles’s plan to go to see a play in a theatre. Anna had strongly advised against it, urging them to avoid any gathering of people for the time being.

Anna had already lost two patients to Covid, and she knew it was but the beginning. Margaret Bates was still there though, not quite better, but not much worse at the moment. Every time someone would be at her bedside, they would hear her talking about her son and/or Scotland, when she had enough breath for talking anyway. The ICU staff now felt they knew her son personally for all the stories she had told them. Bagpipe music could often be heard coming out of her room, and it made the mood a bit lighter in the ward, although bagpipe was not a sound to everyone’s liking. In the week since she had been admitted, Margaret had become some sort of mascot to the ICU. Every day she was in, Anna would phone John Bates to make her daily health bulletin. She had never mentioned to him that she was aware of their shared connection to the Crawley family, and neither had he. Thus they stayed on a strictly professional doctor-patient-relative ground. Although she knew she shouldn’t, Anna had taken a special liking to Margaret, as had several members of the staff. They couldn’t help it, the elderly woman was so friendly and likeable.

  
  


That particular day had started on the wrong side. Timmy had taken ages to get up, then he had spilt his milk at breakfast, and Anna had had a hard time keeping calm and not yelling at him. He was still in his pyjama when Esther arrived and Anna left in a hurry for the hospital. When she finally arrived, on the verge of being late, she spent several minutes turning her backpack inside out to find her badge. In the middle of her morning round, she had to deal with a very angry family who turned up at the unit’s door, demanding that their relative be given hydroxychloroquine, since the internet had said it worked on Covid, and threatening to sue her if she didn’t. In the end the ICU staff had to call security so that they helped take these people out of the hospital. After that row, everyone was tense and shaky, but people set to continue their work. Anna, along with her nurse and med student were finally finishing their morning round when Daisy, the nursing assistant called after them in the hallway:

\- Dr Smith, please, come quick!

\- What is it Daisy?

\- It’s Mrs Bates, she’s not well! Not well at all!

Anna and Gwen rushed to Mrs Bates's bed, only to note that Daisy was right. The old woman was thoroughly out of breath, taking very fast and shallow breaths. She seemed barely conscious, her fingers and lips were turning blue, and her pulse was very quick.

\- While I was helping her wash, explained Daisy, she complained of a sharp chest pain, and then she got worse and worse.

After making a quick assessment, Anna suspected a pulmonary embolism.

\- Prikesht, she ordered her med student, call radiology to ask for a CT scan ASAP.

She then ordered Gwen to prepare some anticoagulant drugs, and concluded:

\- I think we’ll have to intubate her.

While she and Gwen were preparing everything they needed, Prikesht hung up the phone:

\- They can take her in in five minutes.

\- Well, no, we can’t move her right now, or she’ll go into cardiac arrest in the elevator. We have to stabilize her first. Come here. You know how to intubate, right?

\- Yes, nodded the med student.

\- Then go.

While Prikesht was working under Anna’s vigilant eye, the cardiac monitor started blaring out.

\- Shit, said Anna, she didn’t wait for the elevator. Daisy, call for reinforcement, we’re starting CPR.

Anna’s mind was clear and her moves assured, as this had been her daily work for more than five years now. But she couldn’t help feeling her chest tighten as the thought that this was Margaret Bates she was working on, whom she had grown very fond of during the last week, and whose son was a very close friend to Mary’s father. After fighting for more than half an hour to bring Margaret back to life, Anna shook her head, and turned off the cardiac monitor. The old woman’s heart had surrendered, and none of their efforts had succeeded in making it start again. Anna took her phone and dialled for radiology.

\- Yes, Dr Smith from the ICU. Yeah, don’t wait for us, there’s no use any more, patient’s passed. Yeah, thank you.

She shoved her phone back into her pocket, and walked towards the door. Just before getting out, she kicked her frustration out on the wall near the door, muttering:

\- Shit! under her breath.

Angry with herself, and with fate, she stormed to the staff room, where she tore her mask and goggle and let herself fall into a chair, before breaking into tears. She had already lost countless of patients, this was frequent occurrence in the ICU, and there was always some sense of defeat, but some loss hurt more than others. It was harder when death came unexpectedly. When there had been hope that the patient would make it, but in the end, they didn’t. Her fellow doctor Ed, who had heard what had happened, entered the staff room and rubbed her shoulder.

\- Anna… It’s alright. You know it’s not your fault. You did all you had to do.

\- Fucking virus! said Anna forcefully. She could have lived another ten years! Only yesterday I was telling her son to be hopeful! What am I going to tell him now?!

\- The truth, as you do every time. That she probably had a pulmonary embolism despite the prophylactic treatment, that her heart was too weak to make it.

As Anna sighed, Ed sat beside her, and bent towards her slightly:

\- You’re a good doctor Anna. This is not your fault, you know that. We’re not God Almighty.

Anna laughed bitterly. She remembered how Margaret had been confident in that “God Almighty”.

\- Yeah, maybe now she’s meeting Him at last.

\- Who knows.

Anna rubbed her face, and relaxed her shoulders.

\- Thanks Ed. I’ll be in the doctor’s office, I’m calling her son.

***

In the doctor’s office, Anna stayed a moment sitting at her desk, staring at her phone. It was always a strange moment, when you were in possession of information that would change someone’s life for ever, but had not yet delivered it to them. Then she breathed in deeply, and dialled.

  
  


At his own desk in the open space of the accounting department in Downton Estate, John Bates’s eyes left his computer screen when his phone rang. He recognized by now the incoming number from the hospital. It had to be Dr Smith, making her daily call. Although it was a bit early, she usually called later in the afternoon. He picked up the phone and walked away from the open space, to the break area, where a few tables, chairs and armchairs surrounded coffee machines. He answered, and blanched gradually as he listened to Anna telling the news, and his free hand had to grip on a chair’s back to steady himself. He stood speechless for a while, as Anna said once again:

\- I’m very sorry Mr Bates. We really did everything we could.

Feeling hollow, he managed to articulate:

\- I know. I believe you. Thank you Dr Smith.

The phone fell to the floor as he crumbled onto the nearest armchair and sobbed into his hands. At that moment, Robert and Mary Crawley appeared down the hall, as they were just supposed to meet with John to discuss future investments in the Estate. The two of them were animatedly discussing, until they came across John’s hunched figure.

\- Bates?! My dear fellow, what’s the matter? Your mother? asked Robert, sensing the worse.

John quickly brushed his eyes, ashamed of being found out in that state, and nodded:

\- She’s dead, he said, sniffling. Just hung up with her doctor.

\- Was that Anna? asked Mary.

\- Yeah.

\- Jesus, I’m sorry Bates, said Mary.

\- Take your day off, John, added Robert, go see her.

\- That’s the thing, fumed Bates, I can’t! I can’t even go and say goodbye to her, because of this bloody virus!

\- Good Lord, I’m so sorry John.

Robert put his hand on John’s shoulder in sympathy.

\- Look, man, why don’t you come over tonight? So that you’re not alone brooding.

\- No, no, it’s alright. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I don’t want to intrude on you and Cora. I’m used to being alone.

\- Fine, as you wish. But my offers stands if you change your mind. And we’ll reschedule our meeting, it can wait a few days. Go home.

\- Thanks. I appreciate it.

\- No problem. I didn’t meet your mother often, but I liked her. She was a nice lady.

John managed to offer a tight smile before leaving to scoop up his things and head home.

  
  


Before heading to his apartment, John stopped at his mother’s, to which he had a spare key. He walked through the little house, eerily calm, with all of Margaret’s stuff still lying around, and new tears came to his eyes, knowing that she would never come back. Her smell was still hanging around, a smell of fresh laundry and her favourite Cologne. He picked up a few things randomly, and put them back. The thought overwhelmed him of everything he would have to deal with in the next few days and weeks: organizing the funeral, emptying the house, deciding what to do with it, all the paperwork that came with a person’s passing… He felt he couldn’t face this right now, so he picked up the tartan that was spread out on the couch, bundled it up into his hands, and left.

***

  
  


When Anna finally managed to leave the ICU that night, she felt thoroughly disheartened. She angrily pushed on her pedals in order to vent her frustration out. She felt people in the outside, and particularly in the government were not taking the right measure of what was happening. She hoped further steps would soon be taken to deal with the issue. She was not a public health expert, and did not pretend to know what was to be done. But she only knew many people were bound to die if nothing more was done. She had heard that the Prime Minister was supposed to deliver a speech the next day, and she hoped he would have the sense to do something real. When she had parked her bike, she put on a surgical mask to enter her building’s common area. If she ever came across a neighbour, she wanted to be sure she didn’t pass anything on to them. She rubbed her hands with sanitizing gel, before calling for the elevator. When she stepped in, a hand-written message taped to the elevator’s wall caught her attention. It read:

“To our neighbours who work in health care: please be extra-careful when you use the elevator. If you have the possibility to move out and live elsewhere during the time of the epidemic, please consider it”.

Anna stared at the sheet of paper in disbelief. Were people really urging her to leave her flat so that she wouldn’t give them Covid? Like she had anywhere else to go. Should she maybe live in the hospital, for God knew how long this would take? She knew there were several others health care workers in the building. At least one pediatric nurse, and one ambulance driver, that she was aware of. They were all doing their best day in and day out, and reading such selfish nonsense from other neighbours did feel hurtful. Anna reached to her backpack and found a pen. She angrily wrote beneath the original message:

“We healthcare workers know what we have to do, thank you very much. And don’t worry, we’ll take care of you if you ever need it, even though you’re an arse. Good day to you, anonym neighbour.”

She sighed at some people’s stupidity, and exited the elevator, to enter her flat.

\- Mummy! yelled Timmy when he heard her enter.

\- Hi Sweetie, she smiled at him.

The boy was still up, waiting for her, as the next day was week-end, and for once Anna was off, so they could sleep later. She waited until Esther had left to put her mask down. When she had treated Timmy with a lengthy bedtime story and singing and cuddling, she crumbled on her couch, and reached for the remote control. She had seen that she had received several texts from Mary, regarding the subject of Margaret Bates's passing, but the only thing she felt able to do was turn her brain down and watch some TV. Flipping randomly through the channels, she ended on National Geographic, which was airing a documentary on the Scottish Highlands. She immediately thought of the old woman’s infatuation with that country. So much for taking her mind off her day, she thought. But the wonderful landscapes kept her mesmerized, so she watched the show until the end, or almost, since she ended up falling asleep on the couch.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

_**March 21 st, 2020** _

Anna was in the middle of a very uncomfortable dream, in which the ghost of Margaret Bates was yelling at her for not curing her with hydroxychloroquine, when she startled awake at the feeling of someone creeping in her bed. Panting, she rubbed her eyes, only to discover Timmy, his hair tousled and eyes still puffy with sleep. She cast a quick look at her alarm clock and noticed that it was 8:15. It was a bit later than the boy usually got up. She held him close to her and inhaled the almost-still-baby smell of his hair, while letting her heart rate calm down.

\- Hello darling. Did you sleep well? she asked.

\- Yes mummy. Can we have pancakes for breakfast?

\- Hmmm… Yeah, why not, answered Anna. But right now I’d like to cuddle a little more… she added, yawning widely.

Twenty minutes later, mother and son, both still in their pyjamas, were mixing the pancake dough. Anna arranged a breakfast tray, and the two of them enjoyed a quiet cartoon breakfast. When they had finished eating, around 9:15, Anna’s phone buzzed with Mary’s incoming number. She picked up:

\- Yeah Mary, hi, hold on a minute.

She looked up to Zachary and said:

\- Sweetie, would you go and dress yourself for mummy while I’m on the phone? Then we can go for a ride.

\- Yay! shouted the boy happily.

He enjoyed riding as much as his mother. He swiftly disappeared into his room, while Anna picked the phone again.

\- Hey.

\- Hi Anna, so, are you alright?

\- Er, sure, why wouldn’t I be?

\- I don’t know, that whole stuff with Bates’s mother. I hope it didn’t put you down too much.

\- Oh. Well I can’t say I’m happy about it, but you know, it’s not my first time losing a patient… I liked her sure, but I’ll get over it. She was not my mother.

Although she briefly wondered if she would even know if her mother died, since she had not talked to her in more than five years.

\- How’s Mr Bates? Have you heard from him since I called him? added Anna.

\- Yeah, we came across him with Papa yesterday just when he had hung up with you, well obviously he was shaken. He went home after that. But I think Papa’s seeing him today.

\- Right. I’m sorry for him, he seemed like a nice man, for all I talked to him.

\- He is. So, are you working this week-end, continued Mary, changing the subject. Can we see you?

\- I’m only doing tomorrow night, so I’ll have to bring Timmy to the Carsons in the afternoon, but apart from that, I’m free. I was planning to go riding with Timmy this morning. Weather being good, and God knows if we won’t be locked up soon.

\- Do you really think it’ll come to that?

\- I don’t know Mary, but I know it is hell in the hospitals, so I wouldn’t rule it out. They’ve gone into lockdown in France, in Italy, in Spain… I don’t see how we will escape it.

\- So, can we meet this afternoon? Or tomorrow? Do you want to come over for lunch?

\- I’d like to but… Really I don’t know if it’s safe. I’ve been swimming through Covid all week long, I wouldn’t like to bring it to you.

\- But… are you sick?

\- No, I’m not, but there’s so much we don’t know about how infectious it is, and how it can pass on from people to people, I’m worried…

\- Alright… I know, what if we met outside? As you said, the weather’s not bad, and if we are to be in lockdown we should enjoy fresh air while we can. How about a picnic? We’ll stay two yards apart.

Anna though for a moment. She really did crave for a friendly moment with Mary.

\- I guess that would be okay, she concluded.

\- Great! Half past noon?

\- Fine.

\- Alright. See you later, said Mary brightly.

\- Later, answered Anna, before hanging up.

She stood up and went to Timmy’s room to check on the progress of his dressing up. She had to refrain from laughing when she saw the clothes he had put on, which were hideously mismatched. But then who was she to judge a four-year-old’s taste in fashion, she thought.

\- Hey Timmy, well done boy, you’ve dressed up all by yourself. Now you should go brush your teeth, and I’ll comb your hair. Auntie Mary has invited us to a picnic for lunch, would you like it?

\- Yay! cheered the boy. I can play with George!

\- Absolutely.

The two boys got along quite well, since they had known each other virtually from birth.

\- Alright, continued Anna. I’ll go dress up myself, and then we’ll prepare some sandwiches, and we’ll go for our ride, before meeting Mary, Matthew and George.

As usual, riding had helped Anna getting rid of her mental and physical tensions, and she felt more relaxed when she and Timmy met the Crawley family in the park at half past noon. The lot of them settled in a wide open space, in the sun, sitting sufficiently far apart from each other. The kids ran around and laughed, and enjoyed a ball game with Matthew, while their mothers chatted. Nibbling on her sandwich, Mary made a conspiratorial face, and said in a low voice:

\- Listen, Matthew doesn’t want us to tell people right now, because it’s still early, but you’re my best friend, so you should know: I’m pregnant.

Anna beamed at her friend. She knew they had been trying for a while for another child.

\- Oh, Mary! That’s great! I’m so glad! And… are you feeling alright? How far along are you?

\- Eight weeks. I’m not bad. A little nauseous in the morning, but nothing I can’t handle.

\- Well that’s great! I’m happy for you.

\- Thank you. And what about you? Still found no eligible bachelor in the hospital?

Anna rolled her eyes. This was something her friend had a hard time understanding.

\- I already told you! I’m not looking for a man. I don’t want one. I have neither space nor time for a relationship. Plus most of them are pricks.

\- Not even for a little… you know, bedroom fun? Mary smirked.

\- I’m fine, thank you, firmly stated Anna.

In fact, she had tried the dating thing, a few times since Timmy had been born, but it seemed that men suddenly found better things to do whenever she mentioned that she had a small son. So she had decided that she didn’t want to do it any more. Her son and her job were her priorities. And if men couldn’t put up with that, well she’ll do without them.

\- Suit yourself, pouted Mary. I could set you up with someone though, if you wanted.

\- I don’t!

\- Alright, alright, said Mary dismissively, waving her hand.

Mary’s phone buzzed at that moment, and she looked at the incoming text.

\- That was Papa, she said. Margaret Bates’s funeral will be held on Monday at 1:45.

\- Will you go? asked Anna.

\- I don’t think so. I didn’t know the lady, although I like Bates, but I don’t know if it would be my place. Papa and Mama will go though, out of friendship for him. And I’m scheduled to go on a school outing with George’s class on Monday afternoon… George would never forgive me if I bailed out on that one. He’s been asking me to volunteer for ages… I can’t say I’m looking forward to spending an entire afternoon with a bunch of noisy five-year-olds, but well, they say it’s part of being a parent…, Mary concluded, rolling her eyes.

Anna chuckled. She thought about Margaret’s funeral. Should she go? It was not really her place either. She had only been her doctor after all, and she wasn’t supposed to attend to all of her late patients’ funerals. She pushed that thought out of her mind as Timmy came back running to her, laughing and sweaty.

***

On Sunday finally came out the news that Great-Britain was going into lockdown as of Tuesday March 24th. Schools were closing, as were restaurants, shops and all, and people who could were supposed to be working from home. Anna watched social media in awe as pictures of empty flour, pasta and toilet paper shelves in supermarkets went viral. People were going crazy…

The though of Margaret Bates’s funeral had been in and out of her head all week-end. Her mind kept going back and forth between going and not going. There was the fact that she had really liked her during the few days she had known her, the fact that her son was a friend’s friend, and that, even though Anna had only heard his voice and seen the upper part of his face for a few minutes, there was something about him she found endearing. What exactly, she couldn’t tell really, but she felt compelled to go. Then she feared John Bates would think she was overstepping his private boundaries. She had still not made up her mind when she left the Carsons’ house on Sunday evening, after leaving Timmy in their care for the night and headed for her night shift.

Just when the day crew had left and she was starting on her night round, Anna noticed some fuss coming from a new patient’s room. She headed for the source of the noise and entered the room:

\- Hello sir, she said to the patient, who was a man in his fifties, with a strong Yorkshire accent. I’m Dr Anna Smith, your attending doctor for the night. May I ask what’s going on?

The man shot a disdainful look to the nurse who was tending to him, and sneered:

\- I don’t want a Chinese nurse! It’s because of them Chinese that we’re in this mess! They brought up that bloody virus!

Anna sighed and answered firmly:

\- Sir, first of all, Nurse Park Jae-Won is British, of Korean origin, not Chinese. Second, even if she was, she’s one of best nurses, and third, there’s no other nurse available at the moment. So, if you prefer that we leave you be, suit yourself. If you wish to receive some care and have hope to go back home in the near future, I suggest you think twice before turning her down.

The man grumbled something that neither of them understood, and grudgingly extended his arm to Park Jae-Won, allowing her to do what she had to do. The nurse smiled and nodded to Anna, who winked back at her, before exiting and going back to her original business.

\- Bloody racists, she muttered to herself as she opened another patient’s file.

The hospital staff was very diverse, and it was not a rare occurrence to have to step up to racist behaviour form the patients, or families, or worse, from other staff. Even her fellow doctor Ed, whose nickname was short for Eduardo, who was of Peruvian descent, sometimes encountered difficulties. He was a brilliant doctor, but his thick Southern American accent sometimes stood in the way of people trusting him.

Anna spent an excruciating night, and she was very relieved the next morning when Ed finally arrived to take the day shift. She had not gotten a minute’s sleep, as problems after problems had occurred. She did her report, and as she was finishing, Phyllis Baxter, the Head Nurse entered the staff room:

\- Good morning everyone, I’m stopping by to inform that we’ll be out of a physical therapist today, as Jo Molesley is on sick leave. Highly suspected Covid infection unfortunately… He’s trying to get tested today.

\- Oh shit, said Anna. I hope he’s not too unwell.

\- Seemed okay on the phone. Anyway he’ll be away for at least a week… I’ll try to ask for a replacement but I’m not sure I can get it.

\- That’ll be a pity for the patients if we don’t have any physiotherapist for a week, said Ed.

\- I know, said Phyllis, but you know how things are. The staff is stretched thin… If there’s no one available, I’ll phone the other ICUs to ask if their physios can drop by and help for a while.

\- Alright, thank you Phyllis.

Phyllis looked at Anna and noticed the dark marks under her eyes.

\- Go to bed Dr Smith! You look exhausted.

\- Yes, you’re right, said Anna, getting up.

The ride home was quite difficult after a sleepless night, but Anna always told herself that there was a lower right of falling asleep riding her bike than driving a car. When she arrived home, she fell right away on her bed, only taking the time to set her phone alarm at half-past noon. She forced herself never to sleep past that hour, even if the previous night had been sleepless, because otherwise she became too much out of phase for the rest of the day.

***

When the alarm rang, she had a hard time not shutting it off and going back to sleep. But she dragged herself out of bed and sat wearily in her kitchen, in front of a cup of strong tea, distractedly scrolling her social media. The international news were not good. The epidemic was raging in the US and in the better part of Europe. She shook her head, and headed to the shower. While she was enjoying the feel of the warm water, she suddenly made the decision to go to the church later, for Margaret’s funeral. She felt like she needed to pay her respects to the sweet old lady.

When the funeral ceremony began, Anna was discreetly seated in a bench at the rear of the church, near a stone pillar. She was wearing a hooded coat and some sunglasses in addition to her surgical mask. She had felt like coming, but she didn’t want to intrude on the family’s privacy, so she had made the choice not to go up to John and make her presence known. She just stayed seated in her little secluded corner, watching the proceedings from afar. She noticed that very few people were attending. Apart from her son, Anna recognized Mary’s parents Robert and Cora Crawley, and there was only a few more people, mainly elderly women, who Anna thought were Margaret’s few friends. Anna thought to herself that the number of people showing up to one’s funeral was not a good indicator of a person’s worth. The priest spoke for a while, then John came up to the aisle and said a few words about his mother, before turning around, and sitting himself in front of a piano that Anna had not noticed, standing next to the altar. Anna discovered at that very moment that John Bates was a very good piano player, and singer. She felt goosebumps covering her forearms and tears rushing to her eyes as the first music notes rose up to the church’s ceiling, like they were headed straight to heaven. John’s voice trembled a little bit at the beginning, but he managed to steady it and his singing soon filled the air.

“ _Oh, they say people come, say people go  
This particular diamond was extra special  
And though you might be gone  
And the world may not know  
Still I see you, celestial_

_Like a lion you ran, goddess you rolled  
Like an eagle you circle in perfect purple  
So how come things move on?  
How come cars don't slow?  
When it feels like the end of my world  
When I should, but I can't, let you go_

_But when I'm cold, cold  
Oh, when I'm cold, cold  
There's a light that you give me  
When I'm in shadow  
There's a feeling you give me, an everglow_

_Like brothers in blood  
Sisters who ride  
And we swore on that night  
We'd be friends 'til we die  
But the changing of winds  
And the way waters flow  
Life is short as the falling of snow  
And now I'm gonna miss you, I know_

_But when I'm cold, cold  
In water rolled, salt  
I know that you're always with me  
And the way you will show  
And you're with me wherever I go  
And you give me this feeling  
This everglow_

_Oh, what I would give for just a moment to hold  
Yeah, I live for this feeling, it's everglow_

_So if you love someone_  
You should let them know  
Oh, the light that you left me will everglow”

As the song finished, Anna searched her purse for a tissue to wipe the tears that were streaming down her cheeks and soaking her mask. The undertakers came up the aisle and lifted the coffin, and John walked behind them, looking down, followed by the rest of the group. He did not notice the small hooded figure standing half-hidden in the corner of the church.


	5. Chapter 5

_**March 23 rd, 2020** _

Anna waited a little while before going out of the church, sparing one more thought for Margaret and the several other patients whose eyes she had closed in the last two weeks. She was blinded when she exited into the sunlight. When her eyes had adjusted, she saw that the church’s steps were empty, as the funeral party had left for the cemetery. She went to pick up her bike and rode home. In less than an hour, she was supposed to pick up Timmy from preschool, his last day until who knew when. She didn’t really know how she was going to manage the closing of the school with her job. If she hired Esther for all those extra hours, it would cost her a fortune, and it wasn’t even sure the girl would want to, since she was studying on top of her nanny job. She didn’t feel comfortable asking Charles and Elsie to keep Timmy because she would be afraid of bringing them germs every time she would come to drop him or pick him up, or that she passed illness to Timmy who would then pass it to them. The Carsons were in good health, but they were sixty-five and sixty-eight, so that only made them vulnerable. She kept turning the problem over and over again in her head while she was riding home. As she was parking her bike, she heard the tone of an incoming text on her phone. She looked at it in the elevator, and her heart skipped a beat. It was from Esther:

“ _Hello Ms Smith. I have decided to go quarantine at my parents’ house in Birmingham. I’m sorry to let you down, but I don’t want to stay alone for weeks in my studio. I hope you’ll understand”_

Anna entered her flat, closing the door behind her with a kick of her foot, and crumbled on a chair in the kitchen. She read and re-read the text, trying to wrap her head around the fact that she was now completely out of childcare, and supposed to care and homeschool a four-year-old, while working full-time in the hospital. She just couldn’t see how on earth she was going to deal with that. She felt panic rise inside her for a moment. Her head blank, she texted Mary:

“ _My nanny just let me down. I don’t know how I’m supposed to handle Timmy being at home, and my job”_

She got up and went to the sink to pour herself a glass of water. Only in such situation did she regret that Timmy had no father to help. She was just putting the glass down when her phone rang:

\- Hi Mary.

\- What the hell with your nanny? started Mary with no other preamble. Is this how she does her part to help the essential workers?

\- She says she wants to quarantine at her parents’ house, she doesn’t feel up to spending several weeks alone in her studio. I can understand her in a way, but it’s putting me in an impossible situation!

\- Don’t you think she’s only afraid to catch Covid from you or Timmy and she doesn’t dare tell you?

\- Maybe. Anyway, whatever her reasons are, I can’t force her, so… I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ask the Carsons, because now _I_ would be afraid to give them Covid.

\- Look, Downton Estate has to close down for the duration of the lockdown. Matthew and I are going to quarantine in the Abbey’s private quarters with my parents. Let me take Timmy with us. Matthew and George love him. We’ll be four adults to handle two kids. Even if we’re supposed to work, I think we’ll handle it. Timmy will have a friend and a big house, and a park they can run into every day, he’ll be better than in a flat. And you’ll have a free mind to concentrate on your job.

\- Perfect, said Anna bitterly. Except that my son will be away from his mother for God knows how long.

Anna had never left Timmy for long periods of time. The longest they had been away from each other was three days, one time when Mary had managed to convince Anna to go out on a girls’ weekend. The thought of not seeing her son for several weeks made her throat feel tight.

\- I know, said Mary. I’m sorry. But it’s the best solution I can think of right now…

Anna rubbed her temples with her fingertips, and brushed a tear away.

\- I guess you’re right, she sighed. Are Matthew and your parents OK with that?

\- They will be.

\- Alright… Well… Let’s do it. Thank you Mary. Very much.

\- When are you bringing him? We’re going tonight. Oh, right, you don’t have a car, I always forget about that. Well, you know what, we’re coming to pick him up tonight at six. Is that alright for you?

\- Not really, but yes, I guess it’ll have to be… I’ll prepare his suitcase. And I’ll pay for the extra expense.

\- Anna Smith! said Mary sternly. Stop telling such nonsense or I’ll be offended! We can afford one extra four-year-old mouth to feed, don’t be silly.

Anna chuckled at her friend’s definite tone.

\- Alright, Mary, sorry. And thank you, again. We’ll see you at six then.

***

At four o’clock, Anna was back home with Timmy. She had tried to explain the situation to him the best she could. The boy seemed to take it quite well, eager to go on an adventure and stay in a castle with his Auntie Mary and his friend George. He did not seem to realize it would mean not seeing his mother for several weeks. When Mary arrived with George at six, Timmy’s luggage was ready and waiting near the door. Before their mothers could argue, Timmy had dragged George into his room to show him some toy. Mary and Anna, both wearing a mask, found themselves alone in Anna’s kitchen. Anna’s eyes were shining bright and her voice full with tears as she breathed:

\- Thank you, Mary. You’re saving me. Really.

\- Well, I only do what I can to help. You’re the one saving people.

\- Or not… remarked Anna bitterly.

\- Saving a lot of people who’d die without you taking care of them! Don’t worry, the boys will have a hell of a time at Downton.

\- I hope so.

The tears were now rolling down Anna’s cheeks.

\- Oh Mary… I don’t want to let him go… I’ll miss him so much.

As Mary came towards Anna and encircled her with her arms, Anna straightened and tried to push her away.

\- Mary, no, don’t… You shouldn’t come near me!

Hugging her friend close, Mary whispered:

\- I don’t care Anna. You’re human, and you need a hug right now.

\- I do… sighed Anna as she sobbed into Mary’s shoulder.

Yet she quickly gathered herself, wiped her eyes and put a smile on her face when the sounds of the boys babbling came nearer and they reappeared in the kitchen.

\- So, Auntie Mary, are we going to the castle? asked Timmy.

\- Absolutely! Are you ready boys?

\- Yay! cheered the two little boys.

\- So, Timmy, you say goodbye to your mummy?

Anna crouched down and took Timmy into a tight embrace, trying to fill her senses with his smell and warmth and touch, enough to keep herself going for several weeks. She forced herself to look cheerful as she winked at him.

\- You’ll be a good boy for Auntie Mary and Matthew?

\- Yes Mummy! And you be good at the hospital!

Anna couldn’t help but laugh.

\- I will. I love you Timmy. Very very much. And we’ll talk on Skype any time you want. You just tell Auntie Mary and she’ll call me. Alright?

\- Alright Mummy.

\- Good. Kiss and cuddle?

\- Kiss and cuddle, repeated Timmy, giving his mother a kiss and cuddling into her arms.

\- I love you my boy. Have fun with George at the castle. You’ll tell me if you find a ghost. Or a treasure!

\- Okay!

Anna got up and slowly let go of Timmy, while George took his hand, and Mary grabbed the luggage.

\- See you Anna. Stay strong. I’ll keep you posted everyday. I promise.

\- Thank you Mary.

The door closed on Mary and the boys, and Anna was left alone in the silence.

***

That night, Anna wandered for a while aimlessly in her flat. She was not used to being on her own at home on a weekday evening, without having to make dinner for Timmy and put him to bed. She felt empty, and useless. She had not felt so low for a long time. She braced herself for a very long series of similar days coming up, working in the Covid ICU and coming home alone.

She crafted herself a hasty dinner tray, and crumbled on the couch. Shuffling through Netflix for something worth watching, she came across a show called Outlander. The pitch told about an English WWII nurse accidentally finding herself trapped in the 18th century Scottish Highlands. The Scottish setting appealed to Anna, and she decided to try it. The first episode was set in Inverness, and Anna’s mind went again to Margaret Bates, and to her son’s performance at her funeral earlier that day. All afternoon, the sound of John’s voice and the piano melody had stuck with Anna. She contemplated the idea of sending him a message to tell him how beautiful and moving his song had been. After all, she had his number from Margaret’s hospital file. She had called him once with her personal phone, when her pro had been out of battery. She had masked her incoming number that time, so that he wouldn’t see it. If she texted or Whatsapped him now, that would mean that he would have her number. Did she want that, was the question. Never give your personal number, was a rule when you worked in the hospital. That would make him definitely more than just a patient’s relative. An acquaintance at least. A friend? Her attention leaving the show that was still going on, she entered the number into her Whatsapp. She started typing a message, erased it, and re-wrote it several times. At last, she looked at the finished text:

“ _Hello Mr Bates. I didn’t know you were such a gifted musician and singer. Your Everglow was very touching. I’m sure that your mother is very proud of you.”_

She pressed Send before she could change her mind, and tried to refocus on the show’s story.

Fifteen minutes passed without an answer. Anna was doing her best to concentrate on Claire Randall’s adventures in Scotland, but she couldn’t help checking her phone every two minutes or so. Her phone dinged at last, but it was a text from Mary, sending a picture of George and Timmy settled in bunk beds in the Abbey’s nursery. She smiled at her son’s beaming face. He seemed to be living his best life, and she deeply hoped it would stay that way. She went back to her show again. Five minutes later, a Whatsapp notification dinged again.

“ _Who’s this?”_

She smiled. She had not signed her message.

“ _Anna Smith”_

“ _Dr Smith?”_

“ _Please call me Anna ;)”_

“ _You were at my mother’s funeral?!”_

“ _I was”_

“ _But… I didn’t see you. Why didn’t you come up to me?”_

“ _I didn’t want to intrude. I stayed at the back”_

“ _Well, I know my mother would have been honoured. But you didn’t have to.”_

“ _I know. But I wanted to. Your mother was a very fine person.”_

“ _Thank you for saying that.”_

“ _And I’m glad I came, I discovered how talented a piano player you are. That song was amazing.”_

It was lucky for John Anna couldn’t see him or she would have noticed the blush on his cheeks.

“ _Thanks. I’m just an amateur. Although I’ve played for events at the Abbey once in a while.”_

“ _Oh, really? Well I must come next time. Do you play other instruments?”_

“ _Mostly piano and guitar. I tried myself on the cello years ago, but it was a disaster. So I did my neighbourhood a favour and quit. XD”_

“ _I see ;D_

_I’m sure the neighbourhood is grateful. I had a neighbour who was trying to play the violin some time ago. I’m very glad he moved out.”_

“ _Do you play any instrument?”_

“ _As a matter of fact, I did learn the piano too. But I quit a long time ago.”_

“ _Oh, why?”_

“ _Well, my father had decided to enrol me in a fancy music school, so he made me study for hours a day. So when I was fifteen, I got fed up, and I broke my piano.”_

“ _You… broke the piano?? Like really broke? /0\”_

“ _I did. With one of my father’s golf clubs. I was a pretty rebellious teen.”_

“ _Jesus! How did your father react?”_

“ _He was not best pleased. But he took me out of the music school and I never played again.”_

Anna would not now, to an almost stranger, describe how her father had really reacted.

“ _Wow”_

“ _It’s a pity really, I did like playing. But I didn’t like being forced for hours. He made me hate it.”_

“ _I understand. And did you patch things up with your father?”_

Anna tensed. Things were getting personal and she barely knew the man. She was not ready to dwell into the depths of her relationship with her father.

“ _Not really. My father is not really a nice man. He solved our differences five years ago by cutting me off completely.”_

That would have to do for today. She would not go into any more details.

“ _Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”_

“ _it’s alright”_

She decided to change the subject.

“ _Hey, I’m trying a show called Outlander. It’s set in the Scottish Highlands in the 18 th century. Do you know it?”_

“ _No. Is it good?”_

“ _Well, I was just watching the 1 st episode and now with our chatting, I can’t say I’ve been very attentive. So it’s hard to say… ;)”_

“ _;D You’ll have to start over then, and tell me. If it’s any good, I’ll try it. It’ll remind me of Scotland until I can go again.”_

“ _Will you? Go there again?”_

“ _As soon as we can travel again. I have to go to my mother’s home village near Inverness, and dispose of her ashes.”_

“ _Oh, she was cremated?”_

“ _yes”_

“ _OK. When I got out of the church, you were all gone, I thought you’d gone to the cemetery.”_

“ _Ah, no, we were at the crematorium. My mum always said she wanted her ashes to be dispersed in a particular spot near her ancestor’s village”_

“ _Oh, yeah, she did tell me about that, I remember now. I hope she'll rest in peace up there”_

“ _I know she will”_

“ _I’m sorry again, Mr Bates, for how things turned out”_

“ _If you want me to call you Anna, you’ll have to call me John”_

“ _Alright, John, I’m sorry for how things turned out”_

“ _I know. And I know you did your best. Bad things happen and sometimes we can’t do anything about it”_

“ _I did. But I’m sorry still”_

“ _Thank you”_

The ending credits of the Outlander episode were now playing on Anna’s TV.

“ _Well there you go. The episode’s over, and I didn’t catch anything past the 1 st 20 min”_

“ _Sorry, I distracted you”_

“ _Well, I’m the one who texted you in the 1 st place….”_

“ _True”_

“ _I’ll watch it again tomorrow. The beginning looked interesting. So, are you out of a job with the lockdown?”_

“ _Not really. The accounting work goes on. I went to Downton today, scooped up everything I needed to work from home. Now I have to dispatch the workload between my collaborators. I wish I could have gone and quarantined at the Abbey though, like Rob and Cora. Easier to stay home when you’ve got 54 rooms and a giant park”_

Anna smiled.

“ _I know, Mary went there too, and she took my son”_

“ _Oh you have a son?”_

“ _I do. Timmy’s 4. I was in a right mess, with the school closure and my nanny going to quarantine with her parents in Birmingham… Obviously I couldn’t stop working, so she offered to take him to Downton”_

“ _Couldn’t he stay with his father?”_

“ _He’s got no father”_

On the other side of the line, John immediately regretted asking the question. It was the second time he asked too private questions. He cursed himself for his clumsiness.

“ _Jesus, I’m sorry Anna, I’m being really indiscreet”_

“ _Oh, no, it’s OK. I’m a single mum and happy to be. Well except when there’s a pandemic and there’s no more childcare available”_

“ _He’ll have fun at the Abbey. He’s about the same age as Mary's son isn’t he?”_

“ _Yes, George is only nine months older. They’re good friends. I’m not worried about his welfare at all. It’s just I’m going to miss him”_

“ _I understand”_

“ _Anyway, it was nice chatting. I’m going to go to bed now. Day shift tomorrow.”_

“ _Alright. I liked our little chat too. You’ll tell me about that show. Goodnight and thank you for your work”_

“ _Goodnight John”_

“ _If there’s ever something I can do for you, you just tell me”_

“ _Thank you”_

Anna turned the TV off, and went to rest her phone on his charger for the night. While she was doing her nightly routine in the bathroom, she reflected on their conversation. The man seemed nice, and she had enjoyed chatting with him. She thought she could use one more friend. She had not so many, apart from Mary, and a few co-workers with whom she occasionally went out. The nurse Gwen, and a doctor from another ICU, Thomas Barrow, were the two people she hung out with sometimes outside of work. There was also Sybil Crawley, Mary’s sister, who was a doctor in the pulmonology unit in the same hospital. Thomas, Sybil and herself had been students in the same med school, before taking jobs at the same hospital. But apart from these four people, Anna couldn’t say she had so many friends. There was no danger trying John out. He was older than herself for sure, but seemed a kind and interesting man. And at least during the lockdown he wouldn’t be able to try and get anything more out of her.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Late March-Early April 2020** _

Days and shifts in the ICU came and went, mostly identical. Getting up, riding to the hospital, intubating people, turning people on their front to help their lungs work better, telling grieving relatives that their loved one was not coming back. Every night Anna came back home and looked at the countless texts, photos and videos Mary sent her everyday, keeping her up to date with Timmy’s life. He seemed to be enjoying himself, for that at least Anna was grateful. She, on the other hand, did not get used to the silence in her apartment. She had rewatched Outlander’s first episode, and second, and she had chatted about it more with John. He had said he would watch it too, so they could discuss the story together. One had to keep oneself occupied one way or the other. The days when Anna didn’t work were the worst. She just stewed in her apartment, brooding and lonely, and bored. She couldn’t go visit her son, and she couldn’t go riding. The flat was spotless from her cleaning it over and over again. She had reorganized all of her cupboards and shelves, and sorted out all of her and Timmy’s clothes and shoes. She had ordered a training bike online, so as not to go out of her mind from lack of exercise.

Two days after their first chat, John had sent Anna a recording of him playing Bach’s Air on the G string on the piano. Anna had loved it. They had discussed music again, Anna saying that maybe one day she would try playing again. That night, she had fallen asleep listening to the music. The next day, in the ICU, the staff had the good surprise to receive a large food delivery, sent by Mrs Patmore, the Abbey’s restaurant’s cook. There were boxes and boxes of delicious-looking treats. When Anna and Gwen went through the amount of food, they agreed that there was too much for just their unit. Their fridge was not large enough, and the staff would not have time to eat it all before it wasted. So Anna took her phone, and called her friend Thomas Barrow.

\- Hey Thomas!

\- Anna? Yes, what is it?

\- We’ve had a large food delivery from Downton Abbey, there’s too much for us. Come and help yourself for your unit!

\- Oh, nice! I’m coming.

She then made the same call to Sybil down in pneumology. It had been a long time since the three of them had not spent time together, so they took a little time in the ICU staff room. Anna had found some large cardboard boxes in the unit’s storage room, and started filling them with some of the food.

\- It’s coming from Downton Abbey’s kitchens, no less! I think it should be tasty.

\- Nice, smirked Thomas. I never ate in that restaurant. Couldn’t afford a place that fancy. Working in the ICU in a pandemic does have some advantages…

Sybil on the other hand had often tasted Mrs Patmore’s cooking, the Abbey being her father's and sister’s business. So she knew the cook was talented.

\- It’ll be a nice upgrade from my lunch-box, smiled the small brunette.

She looked at the large amount of boxes. Even when she and Thomas had filled a cardboard box for each of their own unit, there was still much left.

\- We should take some down to the ER, suggested Sybil. They deserve it as much as we do.

\- True, said Anna.

And they started filling a third cardboard box. While they were working, Anna asked Thomas:

\- So, how are things going in the non-Covid ICU?

\- It’s… strange. We have no more patients from car crashes. But we do have people who shouldn’t have been in the ICU in the first place, had they come to the ER sooner. They say it downstairs, the ER’s empty but for the Covid patients. Other patients are afraid to come. No more chest pains, abdominal pains… Some probably get better on their own, but for those who really need care, it’s a dangerous game. I have a man in septic shock from peritonitis. The guy waited for three days with a typical appendicitis. And also a young woman who almost bled to death from a miscarriage, because she was afraid of coming. Her partner only called 999 when she passed out from the bleeding… She went into cardiac arrest just when they brought her here.

\- Jesus… said Sybil. Health authorities should really communicate on that topic. Otherwise people will die needlessly, not from Covid.

***

That night, back home, Anna texted John:

“ _Hey John. Did you by any chance have anything to do with a large food delivery from the Abbey to the ICU?”_

A few minutes later came the answer:

“ _I might have. Mrs Patmore had all this food left from the restaurant, and she didn’t know what to do with it. She didn’t want to throw it all away. I suggested the hospital staff. Was it good?”_

“ _It was delicious. Thanks very much. There was so much of it I had to share with 3 other units.”_

“ _I’m glad you enjoyed it.”_

“ _You’ll thank Mrs Patmore for me please.”_

“ _I will. She’ll be pleased._

_Should we watch an Outlander episode tonight?”_

“ _Sure.”_

Anna settled on her couch, with a plaid and a mug of tea, and they remotely watched the show together, exchanging their comments via Whatsapp. Anna liked those moments, which helped her feel less lonely. All the while, she sent a text to Mary:

“ _Timmy didn’t ask for a Skype?”_

“ _No. Too busy. ^^”_

“ _I guess it means he’s adjusting well.”_

“ _He is.”_

“ _And not that he has forgotten his mother.”_

“ _Of course not. Silly. He talks about you all the time._

_My Mummy does this, and my Mummy does that… I’ll let you know that my pancakes are not up to scratch with yours...”_

Anna smiled. She knew she was being stupid but she couldn’t help feeling relieved.

“ _Sweet. I’ll try and teach him politeness in the future ;D”_

“ _I’ll suggest a Skype tomorrow. You’re home all day?”_

“ _Unfortunately yes”_

“ _Alright. I’ll keep you posted.”_

“ _Thanks”_

Anna had missed five minutes of the show, which John noticed when she asked him a question about what had just happened. He gently scolded her.

“ _hey, you have to pay attention Ma’am!”_

***

The next morning, Anna was frantically pushing on the pedals of her new training bike, listening to loud music on her Bluetooth speaker, when her phone dinged. She grabbed it, still riding.

“ _Hey Anna, available for a Skype with your son?”_

Anna turned off the music and hastily wiped her sweaty face with a towel, gulped down a glass of water and typed back:

“ _Ready”_

She quickly opened her laptop and connected to Skype. Seconds later came the incoming call from Mary. She could see that Timmy was sitting in the Crawley’s large living-room.

\- Hey Timmy, how are you sweetheart?

\- Hi Mum, I’m good!

\- Are you having fun with George?

\- Yes! Yesterday we went to the lake, and Matthew showed me how to make ricochets!

\- Nice! And did you make some?

\- One!

\- Great! And what else did you do?

Anna managed to smile through all the time she listened to Timmy telling her about life at the Abbey. Separation seemed to weigh harder on her than on him. She was grateful for that. When Timmy was done, Anna asked Mary, who was sitting next to him:

\- So, how’s it going, are they behaving themselves?

\- Really, it’s alright. I mean they’re kids, I can’t say that there’s never any mischief, but no, they’re nice kids.

\- And you? How are you bearing up?

\- Fine, fine. What about you?

\- Bored to death at home. A bit desperate at the hospital.

She didn’t want to dwell too much on what she was going through at the hospital. She quickly changed the subject.

\- Did you know John Bates had us sent food from the Abbey’s restaurant?

\- Oh, yes, he told me about that. Grand idea I thought. Was it good?

\- You bet it was. Mrs Patmore’s cooking is always high standard…

\- She’s so desperate, having nothing to do. I mean, we asked her to cook for us during the time the Abbey’s closed, but it’s nowhere near the same to feed four adults and two kids than a full restaurant.

\- Still better than being completely unemployed I guess.

The two friends continued chatting for a while, until Timmy interrupted:

\- Mum, I wanna go play with George. Can I say goodbye?

\- Sure. I love you boy, I send you plenty of kisses. I think of you every day. Be good. Bye bye.

\- Bye Mum!

Anna’s chest felt a bit tight as her son ran away to his friend, but he seemed quite unfazed by his new way of life. Anna sighed:

\- I’ll never thank you enough Mary, for what you’re doing for us. I’ll have to repay you someday.

\- Repay me by staying safe, will you.

\- Doing my best.

\- So, I gotta go, homeschool’s waiting, said Mary. Jesus I could never have been a teacher, she added.

Anna laughed.

\- And there are only two of them…

***

About ten days into the lockdown, Anna had just arrived for her night shift in the ICU, and the day and night crew were both sitting in the staff room, discussing the patients. At 8 o’clock sharp, a sort of strange buzzing started echoing in the room.

\- What’s that noise? wondered Anna.

Gwen walked to the window and opened it. The muffled sound had been that of people clapping from their windows and balconies all around the surrounding neighbourhood. Gwen smirked, looking round to her colleagues:

\- Come on people, how does it feel being national heroes?

Ed sighed.

\- It’s nice of them but they don’t have the slightest idea what it’s really like.

At that moment, Phyllis Baxter came in, a worried frown on her face.

\- Hey Phyllis, what’s going on? asked Anna, concerned.

\- I just learnt that Jo Molesley has been admitted in pneumology…

\- Oh no, shit, said Gwen.

\- There go the heroes… added Ed, downhearted. How is he?

\- Bearing up with three litres oxygen apparently. But Dr Branson seemed a bit worried.

\- Jesus… Well, we can trust Sybil to care for him. Let’s hope he’ll get over quickly, said Anna.

\- I’m going to go visit him, said Phyllis.

\- Give him all our support and friendship, will you Phyllis? asked Gwen.

\- I will. Good night people. See you tomorrow.

The mood was gloomy that night among the staff, as everyone’s thoughts were going to Molesley. Anna was not really close to the man, but he was nice to work with, always willing to help, and Phyllis had obviously finally noticed the interest he had for her. Around four a.m., after pronouncing another death, Anna finally went to bed, hoping to grab a little sleep before being called to admit a new patient into the emptied bed. She had been asleep for about one hour when her on-call phone rang. She rubbed her face and reached out to pick up:

\- Yeah?

\- Anna, sorry to wake you, said Gwen on the other end of the line. It’s the on-call doctor down in pneumology, he wants to transfer a patient to us. In need of intubation according to him.

\- Alright, I’ll go down and check on him. Or her?

\- Him. It’s Molesley.

Anna’s heart skipped a beat. There was a second of silence, before she answered:

\- Shit.

\- Yeah. I know, answered Gwen.

\- Alright, thanks, I’ll be down in a minute.

Anna felt suddenly wide awake. She grabbed her shoes, passed some cold water on her face, tied her hair in a messy bun. She stopped at the storage room to grab a new mask and surgical gown, before heading down to pneumology.

As the on-call pneumologist led her into Molesley’s room, one quick look at him confirmed her fellow doctor’s assessment. Despite the high-dose oxygen, Molesley was too out of breath to speak. Anna took the man’s hand. His look betrayed the panic that people feel when they can’t breath properly.

\- Jo, don’t worry, I’m taking you to the ICU, we’ll take good care of you.

With the help of the night nurse, Molesley was quickly wheeled into the empty ICU room, transferred on his new bed, and settled.

\- Alright, Jo, said Anna, taking his hand again. You know I have to put you down now, for the intubation. I’ll be there when you wake up, I promise. And you’ll take Phyllis on a nice pleasant date.

A faint smile passed on Molesley’s face, seconds before Gwen pushed the anaesthetic drugs into his IV line, and Anna expertly intubated him. When she had adjusted the respirator as needed, things seemed to settle down. Jo’s monitor showed acceptable vital signs. Anna relaxed a bit.

The lull was however short-lived, as about forty minutes later, as Anna and Gwen were nursing a cup of tea, the monitor alarm began blaring out. The oxygen level was down to 83%, which was nowhere near enough. Over the next hour, Anna gradually pushed up the fraction of oxygen in the air that was delivered to Jo’s lungs by the respirator, until it reached 100%, and she could not go any further. Despite that, the oxygen blood level kept going down. Anna and Gwen busied themselves around Jo’s bed, doing everything they could to make the oxygen go up. Anna was muttering under her breath:

\- Come on Jo, come on. Don’t make me tell Phyllis you’re gone!

When they had injected every drug that could be of use, and the oxygen still was not going up, Gwen looked up to Anna, tears shining in her eyes.

\- He’s going…

Anna lowered her gaze to the ground, unable to utter the answer they both knew was unavoidable. A sob escaped her lips, and she sat herself near Molesley, holding his hand. She turned down the alarm, which was of no use but to inform them of what they already knew. Both women stayed at Jo’s side, watching silently as the oxygen level, then the heart rate gradually went down, until the moment it finally stopped completely.

Ed immediately sensed that something was very wrong when he arrived two hours later for the day shift. All the people present had red eyes and tear-washed faces. Looking at Anna, he asked softly:

\- What?…

Anna inhaled shakily, and briefly closed her eyes before answering:

\- Jo…

\- Is he…

Anna only faintly nodded before she broke into tears again…

\- I let him die on me Ed! And now I have to tell Phyllis… And his father!

\- Now, Anna, don’t talk like that. You are not responsible. I know you did everything possible. Look, go home, I’ll phone his father.

\- No, I’m not leaving before I’ve seen Phyllis.

Ed stood behind Anna and gently massaged her tense shoulders. Only a minute later did Phyllis enter the room. The mood went down several steps further. Seeing Anna and her colleagues dismayed looks, she asked:

\- What happened?

Ed turned to the Head Nurse, and took her arm.

\- Sit down Phyllis.

\- Now, you're worrying me Ed. What’s up? she repeated, a bit more sharply.

Anna took a deep breath and spoke hurriedly:

\- I had to admit Jo last night. Things got out of hand very quickly. He died on me, around six o’clock. I’m so sorry Phyllis.

Phyllis blanched at Anna’s words.

\- No, no… she kept muttering.

Gwen came near her, her eyes still shining, and put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

-We’re all so, so sorry Phyllis.

They all discovered that weeping under a N95 mask was very uncomfortable. One couldn’t even wipe one’s eyes or blow one’s nose correctly. After a moment of thick silence, Ed said again:

\- Go home all of you. You’ve done enough. Go rest. We’ll handle the day.

\- Thank you Ed, whispered Anna, getting up.

Before leaving, she stopped near Phyllis who was silently crying, and squeezed her hand, trying to convey to her all the comfort she could.

Anna had never completed the ride back from the hospital to her home that fast. She pushed all her anger out on her pedals, while letting the tears flow freely in her cheeks. When she finally was in her bedroom, she did not bother getting undressed or going to the shower. She took a small bottle out of her pocket, that she had taken from the unit’s pharmacy just before leaving. It held a few oxazepam pills. She spilt the content in the palm of her hand, took two and put the rest back into the bottle. She swallowed them with a gulp of water, and let herself fall down on her bed. She didn’t set her phone alarm either. She only wanted to forget that bloody night. The longer the better.


	7. Chapter 7

_**April 2020** _

When Anna opened her eyes later that day, she had no idea what time it was or how long she had slept. As soon as she regained sufficient consciousness, the harsh reality of what had happened the previous night hit her hard, and tears rushed to her eyes. She still felt a little dizzy from the two pills she had taken. It was not a high dose, but she was not used to taking that kind of drugs. Dragging herself to sit on the edge of her bed, she looked at her alarm clock and read 5:11pm. She cursed herself for sleeping that late. She would probably not be able to fall asleep that night until a very late hour. Fortunately she didn’t work the next day.

As she sat, a bit dazed, at her kitchen table, waiting for the kettle to boil, she grabbed her phone and noticed that she had several messages unattended. One from Sybil, who had obviously learnt about the unfavourable outcome of their shared patient, one from John, who only said hello, one from Elsie, asking for news (Anna felt a bit bad for not having called the Carsons in almost a week), and several from Mary. Her sister seemed to have informed her about their co-worker’s death under Anna’s watch, and she had sent several texts, that got more and more worried as the time of the day went by, because she knew of Anna’s usual habit to get up at half past noon at the latest. Anna sent her a short text back, only to ease her friend’s mind. She didn’t feel like talking to her right now. She rather dialled Sybil’s number, feeling the need to debrief with someone who knew what she was going through as a doctor. Sybil answered at the second ring:

\- Dr Crawley-Branson.

\- Hey Sybil, it’s Anna, is this a right time?

\- Oh hi Anna, no problem, I’m only typing reports in my office… How are you?

\- Well…

\- Yeah.

They both knew how she would feel, there was no need to explicit further.

\- I’m so sorry, said Anna.

\- About what? I mean, I’m very sorry too it went that way, but you know as well as I do that you did everything that was possible. We’ve both seen how people can get worse very quickly with this fricking virus and there’s nothing to be done. I hope you don’t hold yourself responsible.

Sybil heard Anna’s sigh at the other end of the line. A few seconds silence followed, until Anna spoke again:

\- Yeah. I know. But… Lord having to tell that to everyone in the morning, including Phyllis, it was so bloody awful.

\- I know. I really hope this is the only co-worker we’ll lose. But I couldn’t even say I’d be surprised if it weren’t.

\- Shit don’t say that Sybil…

\- Do you have a little time off?

\- I’m not working until the day after tomorrow. But being at home is not so much better, I’m just getting bored out of my mind, and with plenty of time to brood…

\- I get it. I’m so glad to have Tom and the kids when I go home. At least they take my mind off things. How’s Timmy?

\- He’s fine apparently. Having the time of his life living castle’s life.

Emotion overwhelmed her at the mention of her son, and her voice broke with tears.

\- Oh Sybil I miss him so much… I’m so fed up of being alone and not seeing anyone outside of work!

She took a deep breath and gathered herself:

\- Well at least I guess I should be grateful to be able to get out of the house to actually go to work and see some people there, even if a good part of them are hooked up on respirators. I feel bad for people who are alone at home and remote-working.

\- At least they don’t have to deal with a co-worker dying on their shift.

\- True.

\- Anyway, I don’t know if it makes sense to compare whose situation is the worse. We’re all struggling, in our own way. Let’s just hope this lockdown will soon be over.

\- You’re right. Thank you for taking time to chat.

\- Anytime Anna, you know that. And I know you’d do the same for me.

\- I would.

\- Come on, try to take your mind off the hospital for a few hours.

\- Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks Sybil. Bye.

\- Bye Anna.

After hanging up with Sybil, Anna called Elsie and chatted with her for a little while. She urged her and Charles once more to be extra-careful when they went out for groceries, which were their only occasion to out of the house these days. She couldn’t even think about how she would cope if one of them fell ill, or worse. Her foster mother assured her that they were being very careful. Elsie, with her sewing machine, was actually sewing masks for the entire neighbourhood. When she had finished talking to Elsie, Anna sent a text to John, before going to the shower:

“ _Hi John. Things are a bit harsh today. Are you free to talk a bit?”_

In the shower, she let the hot water run for a long time, as if trying to drown her dark thoughts under it. She at least felt a little less foggy when she finally went out. John’s response was waiting for her:

“ _Anytime”_

She started a Whatsapp video call, which John answered quickly:

\- Hi Anna

\- Hi John, she smiled wearily.

\- So, had a hard day? Or rather night, I guess, otherwise you’d still be there?

\- Yeah, awful. Our unit’s physiotherapist died in one of my beds, during my shift. I closed his eyes.

Her chest felt tight again, as she said the words once more.

\- Oh, Lord, Anna, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible… Had you known him long?

\- Not so long, he had been there about six months. He was only fifty-two, no underlying condition… He was such a nice guy, everyone liked him. It’s so unfair!

\- It is…

After a short pause, Anna asked:

\- John?

\- Yes?

\- Would you play a little music for me? Anything to take my mind off all this mess.

\- Oh, yes, sure. Actually, I’m flattered you’d ask. What would you like to hear? Piano, guitar? Instrumental or singing?

\- I don’t know, how about a song? Piano?

\- Oh, I know what you need.

John sat himself at his electronic piano, set his phone next to him, and started playing, and singing:

“ _When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me  
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be  
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me  
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be_

_Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be  
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be_

_And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree  
There will be an answer, let it be  
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see  
There will be an answer, let it be_

_Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be  
There will be an answer, let it be”_

Anna closed her eyes and found herself humming to the light tune. When the song was over, John looked at the phone cam again and asked:

\- Did you like it?

\- Very much. You’re right, it was just what I needed.

\- Are you a believer? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking of course.

\- I don’t mind. But no, I’m not. I’ve been brought up in religion, but I have put some distance between Church and myself. A good bit of distance. My father was very religious, and as I told you before, he and I did not get along so well.

\- I see. Would you like to hear something else?

\- Sure. Something on the guitar for a change?

\- Alright, let me think…

John got out of the cam view for a brief moment, and reappeared holding an acoustic guitar. He sat back on the piano stool, crossing his legs to support the guitar.

\- You would have been too young in their years of fame, but anyway, you’ll have heard all the same.

He started playing, and Anna suddenly felt she went twenty-five years back in time, and tears flooded her cheeks.

“ _Slip inside the eye of your mind  
Don't you know you might find  
A better place to play  
You said that you'd never been  
But all the things that you've seen  
Slowly fade away_

_So I start a revolution from my bed  
'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head  
Step outside, summertime's in bloom  
Stand up beside the fireplace  
Take that look from off your face  
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out_

_And so Sally can wait  
She knows it's too late  
As we're walking on by  
Her soul slides away  
But don't look back in anger  
I heard you say”_

Now she was in her parents’ house, sitting his her elder sister’s room, listening with her to THE band of the moment, the one Katie was dreaming of going to see on gig one day.

***

_**1995** _

_Seven-year old Anna and fifteen-year old Katie were both sitting on Katie’s bed, listening to the last CD Katie had bought. It had just been released a few weeks before, and all the charts were full of it. “What’s the story (Morning Glory)”, Anna read on the cover. When the chorus came, the two sisters started singing in unison:_

“ _So, Sally can wait, she knows it’s too late…”_

_They were abruptly brought to a halt when a loud thump on the door covered the music. They both startled and Katie hastily brought the volume down._

_\- Katie! yelled the man, who had opened the door. Turn off that savage music! You should be rehearsing your violin! Your audition is in three days! You’re not ready! I will not tolerate idleness and mediocrity!_

_The teenage girl looked frightened, and sighed as she got up from her bed._

_\- Yes dad._

_\- And you, Anna! What are you doing in your sister’s room?! Don’t you have anything to do? Like homework maybe? Or practising your piano!_

_Looking down to the floor, the little girl quickly skirted around her father to go out of her sister’s bedroom. She nonetheless yelped when her father grabbed her ear and pulled it hard as she passed him._

_\- That’s to put some sense into your airy head!_

_***_

When he was done playing “Don’t look back in anger”, John searched for Anna’s face through the phone again, and gasped:

\- Oh Anna, you’re crying! What’s up? Was that a bad choice?

Anna sniffed and wiped her eyes, before answering:

\- No, no… I’m sorry, it’s just… That song reminded me of my sister Katie. She was such a big Oasis fan back in the nineties…

\- Oh, you have a sister?

\- I… had.

\- Oh, sorry… What happened?

Before Anna could answer, he spurted out:

\- I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me of course, I’m being so intrusive.

\- No, it’s alright, it’s been such a long time since I’ve been able to talk about her. She was eight years older than me. My father… well, he did to her with the violin the same thing he did to me with the piano. I don’t know why really, but he seemed to have made it his life goal to have maestros for daughters. Our opinions in the matter did not seem relevant to him. Anyway, when she turned eighteen, she ran away from home. And a few weeks later, the police came to our house, and told my parents she had died in a car crash. I was only ten years old, and she was like my star. I loved her so much, I was devastated. And my father… He did not shed a tear on her. She had been such a disappointment to him, it was like he had already forgotten her. He told me she was a bad daughter, and that was what happened to girls who ran away from home, and that now I would know better than to do the same. Every time he saw me or my mother crying over her he would yell at us. Oh, he mourned her outside of the house, in front of his Church, so that he would get people’s sympathy. But in private, he was different.

\- Jesus, Anna, I’m so sorry… So much for cheering you up… I’m such a fool.

\- Well, now, you couldn’t have know John. And, come to think of it, I’m glad to have been reminded of her. I hadn’t thought of her for too long. Even if it still hurts. So, thank you.

\- Oh, alright then. You’re welcome. Erm, do you want to hear one more piece?

\- Yes, please. Something classical, for a change?

\- Sure.

John put the guitar away, and readjusted the stool back in front of the piano. He searched for a while in his stack of music sheets, and smiled:

\- Ah, here it is. Chopin’s Nocturne n°2. No particular memory attached?

\- I don’t think so, said Anna.

\- So, make yourself comfortable, and close your eyes.

She did as told, and listened intently to the gentle melody. She felt herself gradually relax, and a light smile appeared on her lips. Her breathing became more regular. When the last notes finally echoed, she stayed still for a while, before stirring and picking her phone back.

\- That was wonderful, thank you so much John. You know it makes me feel like playing again, really. If I could get over my bad memories with my father and enjoy playing again, just for pleasure, that’d be really great.

\- I’m sure you could. And we could play four-hands pieces, he smiled.

\- Haha, yeah, maybe we could, but it’ll take a while I’m afraid, I would be nowhere near your ability after not playing for almost twenty years…

\- It’ll come back quickly don’t worry. It’s like cycling, you never really forget once you’ve learnt.

\- I’ll think about it.

Anna glanced at the time. It was almost half past eight.

\- Do you have something planned tonight? she asked.

\- Oh, yeah, actually, I was supposed to meet friends for a dinner and then go to the movies, answered John in the most serious tone.

Anna laughed.

\- Silly beggar! That’s not nice to make fun of me.

\- Sorry… But what in heaven could I have planned… Since we’re locked up.

\- I don’t know…

\- Well, no, I have nothing planned.

\- Shall we continue watching Outlander? We’ve left them in a pretty tight situation if I remember right. You haven’t been going on without me I hope?

\- I wouldn’t dare! Yes, let’s go then.

\- Alright. Give me fifteen minutes to grab something to eat, and let’s meet again on Whatsapp?

\- Deal.

When Anna finally went to bed again that night, after sharing two Outlander episodes with John, she felt that her mood had lifted somewhat. Even though she had been unexpectedly reminded of Katie, past the first rush of feelings, her memory was rather comforting. After having said goodnight to John, she settled in bed, listened to an Oasis playlist for a while, while going through an old photo album she had kept from her childhood. She hoped that, wherever she was, Katie was proud of the woman her baby sister had become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits:  
> The Beatles - Let it be  
> Oasis - Don't look back in anger


	8. Chapter 8

_**April 2020** _

The next day was another dull succession of hours for Anna, locked up in her apartment with nothing to do. She browsed the internet a bit for electronic pianos, but the prices she saw scared her off. Even if her birthday was coming the following week, she couldn’t indulge herself in such an expensive self-gift. Unfortunately the lockdown made it impossible to get a second-hand one from Craigslist or Gumtree. At least not for several weeks (she did not dare to think months). And she would never want to ask for such a costly gift from her relatives. She was fairly sure that if Mary heard about her project to play again, her friend would buy her one, but Anna really didn’t wish her to spend that much money on a birthday gift, even though the Crawley lady had plenty of it. That would feel rather humiliating. So she decided not to talk to Mary about her musical envy. Maybe when she would have received her salary for all her extra Covid shifts, she could look again. But that wouldn't happen for several months. Sighing, Anna closed her laptop and got up. Her eyes settled on the two bags of garbage waiting by the door, and she decided to go down to the bins to dispose of them. She grabbed a surgical mask and put her shoes on. As she opened her flat door to the hallway, she almost stumbled on a large salad bowl, closed with some plastic film, and a Post-It paper taped on it. She bent and picked it up, a curious look in her eyes. Checking closer, she saw that the bowl was full of delicious-looking cookies. The note said _“Hi Anna, Keisha and I made these cookies for you, as a thank you for what you are doing for sick people at the hospital. We hope you enjoy them. Jim”_. Anna smiled. Keisha was her eight-year old neighbour from the ground floor, who was currently locked up with her parents Jim and Helen. Well, thought Anna to herself, some neighbours were nicer than others. She put the bowl on her kitchen table and went back to her initial task, going to the bins.

***

When Anna left for work the next morning, she saw Keisha looking at her through her apartment’s window. She stopped and waved to the little girl, holding her bike with her spare hand. The girl opened the window, and waved back:

\- Hi Anna!

\- Hi Keisha! Thank you so much for the cookies, they are so good! I love them. I’ll bring the bowl back tonight.

As she moved to go her way, the little girl called after her:

\- Anna, wait, I have something else for you!

Keisha disappeared for a few seconds, and came back in sight, her mother at her side. She handed a sheet of paper to Anna through the open window. Anna reached to grab it, and looked at it. She felt her eyes prickle as she took in the details of the drawing the girl had made for her: a picture of a blond lady doctor standing next to a person in a hospital bed. Across the sheet, the childish writing read “Thank you NHS and Thank you Doctor Anna”. Her voice tight, Anna looked back to Keisha and smiled:

\- Thank you so much Keisha, it is wonderful. I will hang this drawing in my office at the hospital!

She folded the paper in four and put it carefully in her backpack.

\- I have to go now, but Helen, thank Jim for the cookies! I’ll bring the bowl back tonight.

\- There’s no hurry, answered Helen. Good luck at work. Take care of yourself, and stay safe.

\- Thank you, nodded Anna, before getting on her bike and pedalling away.

She waved one more time to Keisha before she turned into the street and disappeared from sight.

***

The next days at work were gloomy. Anna had a hard time looking at Phyllis who looked miserable. One morning, the Head nurse had informed the staff that Jo’s funeral would take place the day after next. It had taken some time to find a place and time, according to his sister who was planning the thing, since churches were overbooked for so many funerals. Attendance was limited for safety reasons, so they could not go as a group to say goodbye to their late co-worker. Phyllis suggested she would go and represent the whole ICU crew. Everyone agreed, and they all chipped in for a large flower arrangement. It felt so weird, not being able to attend a person’s funeral as one wished. Gathering to pay one’s respects to a passed person was one of the things that defined humans as humans. And now they couldn’t even do that. That was one of the hardest part of this pandemic, Anna thought. People not being able to properly say goodbye to their loved ones was bound to leave some lasting damage into people’s hearts and psyche.

As Anna was doing her round that day with her med student Prikesht, they reflected together on another downside of working in a 100% Covid-ICU. Apart from the difficulties handling the families being kept away, apart from the risk to their own safety, and apart from the intrinsic lethality of the disease that made them lose an awful lot of patients, another thing about Covid, was the boredom of dealing day in and day out with the same disease. What Anna loved about critical care medicine, was the variety of pathologies she was dealing with, usually. Rounding up the clinical, biological and radiological clues, making them fit together to come up with a likely diagnosis, like one would conduct a police inquiry, and deducing what treatment was to be given to the patient, that was intellectually stimulating, and that was what Anna liked to do. Dealing only with Covid patients for several weeks, she sometimes thought she was turning into a robot, endlessly writing the same prescriptions, and telling the same things to patients and families. Granted, some patients had side ailments that had to be dealt with as well, but mainly it was like having the same patient over and over again. Thankfully, her unit had engaged into a randomized controlled clinical trial, going on simultaneously in dozens of hospitals in several countries, aiming at studying the effects of several drugs against Covid infection. That brought some extra work for the doctors, but it was satisfying to know they helped medical knowledge evolve.

***

Anna’s birthday, in late April, came on a Friday when she was off between two long series of shifts. Although she did not like to stay home alone and do nothing, she was glad to be able to rest a little, and breathe freely for a whole day without those damned N95 masks etching red marks on her face. Sitting at her kitchen table that morning, she sighed, thinking of the day that laid ahead of her. That was bound to be the most boring birthday she had had in a long time… She was not the kind of girl to throw herself massive birthday parties, that was more Mary’s style. But nonetheless, a simple birthday dinner with the people she loved would have been nice. She might even have invited John Bates this year. Her heart beat a little faster at the thought of John. Over the last weeks, they had become sort of close, at least, close as two people who cannot meet in person can get. She found that she was looking forward to their Whatsapp chats. She shuddered a bit at the thought of a possible romantic involvement between the two of them. “NO”, she thought firmly to herself. She was not looking for a boyfriend. They would be friends, and no more. He had better stay in that same place as her. She would regret losing his friendship, but she would definitely turn him down if he asked for more at one point. Anyway, that particular problem was not likely to present itself for some time, she thought. After breakfast, she spent half an hour pedalling on her training bike to the sound of dance music, before going to the shower. She was just out of it, drying her hair in the bathroom, when she heard the downstairs bell ring. She startled, not expecting anyone.

\- Yes? she answered to the intercom.

\- Hello, delivery for Ms Anna Smith.

\- Er, yes…

She hadn’t ordered anything new lately. Maybe someone had sent her a birthday gift. The Carsons? Mary? Or John? No, she had not told John when her birthday was.

\- I’ll leave the packages to your door, ma’am, said the delivery man.

\- Alright, thank you.

Two minutes later, her apartment door’s bell rung. She waited for one more minute, and opened the door. The delivery man was already gone, but he had left two packages and one beautiful plant on the floor. Anna smiled, and picked up all the stuff to bring it into her flat. She put the plant near a window and watered it a bit. She then turned to open the first box. It contained several smaller boxes, which apparently held everything needed for a tasty birthday lunch. A note in Mary’s writing read: “Be on Skype at half past noon. Instructions for the meal enclosed, courtesy of Mrs Patmore.” There was a full three courses meal, with a very pretty-looking one-person sized birthday cake. Dear Mary, thought Anna as she read the cook’s instructions to re-heat the meal. When she had put the food boxes into her fridge, she turned to the second box. It was enclosing another box wrapped in gift-wrap, with another label “Don’t open until told to”.

When came half past noon, Anna was settled at her kitchen table, a plate in front of her laptop, connected to Skype. The main course was quietly re-heating in the oven, and she had disposed the first course in her plate, an avocado and smoked salmon salad. Right on time, the incoming Skype call from the Abbey rang, and she connected. Mary’s beaming face appeared, Timmy at her side.

\- Hey Anna!

\- Mary! Wow that’s just… amazing. Thank you so much, you shouldn’t have bothered…

\- And why exactly shouldn’t I bother for my best friend’s birthday? Best friend who’s working her ass off day in and day out, might I add.

\- Well thank you, really. You’re one precious friend, Lady Mary Crawley.

She then turned to Timmy:

\- Hey Timmy boy! How are you darling?

\- HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY! yelled the little boy.

Anna and Mary laughed.

\- You prepped him well, said Anna.

\- Hell, we’ve been working on it for more than a week! Timmy has helped Mrs Patmore to cook the meal, to make the cake, and he has also worked on your present, haven’t you Timmy!

\- Yes, we made a present for you! Have you received it? asked Timmy, excited.

\- I have, sweetheart, answered Anna.

She held the wrapped box in the webcam’s view so that her son could see it.

\- I don’t know what it is but I know I will love it!

-Open it mummy!

\- Now, Timmy, said Mary, putting a hand on the boy’s arm, we are going to eat first, and then we’ll sing Happy Birthday to Mummy, she will blow her candles, you have candles right Anna? she added looking through the cam to Anna.

\- I think so… said Anna

\- Great. And when we have done all of this, Mummy can open her presents. Alright Timmy?

\- Alright, pouted the boy, impatient to see his gifts unwrapped.

\- So, let’s tuck in, said Mary.

\- You’re having the same dishes as I have?

\- Of course.

\- That’s so thoughtful of you Mary, I never thought you would do something like that… You’re doing so much already.

\- If I must be honest, the idea was Matthew’s, smirked Mary.

Matthew, who was sitting across the table from Mary, came around so that Anna could see him through her cam.

\- Hey Anna! Happy birthday!

\- Thanks Matthew!

They all started eating the salmon salad, and went on chatting at the same time. Mary told about George's and Timmy’s last adventures and mischief at Downton Abbey. Anna talked a little about work but not too much. She also mentioned her chats with John Bates, to which Mary made a knowing face:

\- Oh, yeah, I know about that, Bates has told me everything. Nice to know that you’ll have someone ready to date as soon as the lockdown will be lifted. I mean, he’s a bit old to my taste, but he’s a nice guy.

\- Mary! I am not dating him, please don’t start on that! We. Are. Friends.

Anna emphasized each word of her last sentence, while Mary nodded with a completely disbelieving look on her face.

\- Yes. Sure. Whatever you say.

\- Drop it Mary, please.

\- Alright, alright. So, how do you find that duck Parmentier? asked Mary about the main dish, changing the subject.

\- Hmm, it’s delicious. Please give my very special thanks to Mrs Patmore. You know, I had thought that if I didn’t celebrate my birthday this year, maybe I could ignore it, and be thirty-one for one more year. Now you’ve ruined it all, I’ll have to face the fact that I’m really thirty-two…

Mary laughed good-heartedly.

\- Oh, well, I’m sorry for that.

When they were finished with the main course, Anna searched for a candle into one of her drawers, and stuck it into the pretty strawberry Charlotte. She listened to Timmy, George, Mary and Matthew, who had all gathered in front of the cam, singing Happy Birthday to her. A knot formed in her throat, and despite the context, she was grateful to have such good friends, and such a lovely son. When she had blown her candle out, Timmy yelled:

\- Now you open the presents!

\- Yes darling! obliged Anna.

She took the gift box, and delicately tore the gift wrap around it. The box contained several things: a rolled up sheet of paper, closed with a ribbon, a little cotton bag, and a jewellery box. Anna started by taking the paper, and undid the ribbon. It was a drawing from Timmy, picturing the Abbey, and he and George playing in the park, with a four-legged creature which Anna supposed was Isis, Robert Crawley’s dog.

\- Oh sweetie, it is so beautiful, thank you very much!

She gestured sending a kiss to Timmy through the screen, and proceeded to the small linen bag. She loosened the thread that was holding the bag closed, and let its content fall on the table. It was a necklace, made from very colourful kiddy pearls. Among the coloured pearls, there were lettered- pearls, that spelt “Timmy love mummy”. Anna felt her eyes water at the sight of the handmade gift, thinking of all the time and effort her little boy must have put in it, and at that very moment she ached very much to be able to take him into her arms and kiss him all over. Her voice trembled lightly as she put the necklace around her neck and said:

\- Thank you Timmy, I love it, it is wonderful.

\- I made it for you. I made the words, Auntie Mary showed me the letters.

\- Yes, I can see, it is very well made. I love you too Timmy, very very much, and I hope you can come back home very soon.

Anna wiped her eyes, and smiled, as she went to pick up the last present. She opened the small jewel box, and found a simple but beautiful golden heart-shaped brooch. She took it from the box, and looked at how it shone in the light. She looked up to Mary, her eyes filled with renewed tears.

\- Thank you Mary, it’s beautiful, she breathed.

Mary nodded to her with a warm smile.

\- Jesus, she added with a shaky laugh, you’re all making me cry. Thank you so much for taking the time to prepare all this.

\- You’re welcome. It kept us occupied, at least. I wish we could have shared this meal face to face but anyway… I hope we’ll be able to meet for Timmy’s birthday at least.

\- I hope so too…

Timmy was born in late May, about a month after Anna’s birthday. She had not yet really thought about it, but now that she did, she truly hoped the lockdown would be lifted by then, because she couldn’t imagine how depressed she would feel if she wasn’t able to be there for her son’s birthday.

***

Later in the afternoon, as she was preparing to go out for groceries, Anna’s phone rang. It was Elsie and Charles Carson, calling to wish her a happy birthday too. Anna told them all about the birthday lunch the Crawleys had arranged for her, and the Carsons were glad that she had not been completely alone on this special day. They missed her and Timmy very much, and especially on a day like this.

\- I have a gift for you too, said Charles, but I’d like to wait until we can see each other to give it to you in person, if you don’t mind?

\- Of course Uncle Charles, there’s no rush. And thank you.

They chatted a few more minutes, and Anna hung up. She was putting her shoes on when the downstairs bell rang once again. Now what was that again, she wondered.

\- Yes?

\- Hello, I’ve got a delivery for Ms Anna Smith.

\- Er… yes, fourth floor.

She had no clue as to what it could be or who from. Every person who knew or cared about her birthday had already sent her something, or called, or texted. Only John had not contacted her today, but once again, she thought that he didn’t know about her birthday. She put on a mask to open the door and saw that the delivery guy was still standing in the hallway, next to a very large object, loaded on a wheeled board and hidden under a blanket.

\- What… she started, gaping at whatever that was.

\- You’re Ms Smith?

\- Yes. But… What is this??

\- Delivery from Mr John Bates.

\- What?

\- Might I enter? asked the delivery man, unfazed.

\- Er yes, please.

When he had pushed his load into Anna’s living-room, he casually lifted the blanket, and Anna’s eyes grew wide when she discovered the electronic piano under it.

\- Where would you like me to put it Ma’am?

\- Er… I… stuttered Anna.

She advised one empty spot along her living-room wall, and pointed there.

\- Against that wall please.

The man wheeled the piano near said spot, and he and Anna both seized one end of the instrument, and lifted it to put it on the floor. When the piano was in place, the man handed her a paper:

\- Would you sign here please Ma’am?

Anna obeyed, and the man touched his cap:

\- Good day Ma’am.

\- Bye, thank you, said Anna distractedly.

When the man had left, closing the apartment’s door behind him, Anna stood for a while, speechless, looking at the piano. When she found her voice again, she grabbed her phone, dialled a number and waited.

\- Hello?

\- John Bates, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?


	9. Chapter 9

Oh, hello Anna. Happy birthday, said John, very casually.

Anna continued in a high-pitched voice:

\- What were you thinking?! Have you lost your mind? This is way too much!! I can’t accept that!

John waited for a few seconds after she had finished and went on, in the same quiet manner:

\- Now, will you let me speak?

Anna could hear his smile in the tone of his voice.

\- Well go ahead. What do you have to say for your defence?

\- You might have noticed that this piano is second-hand?

\- Yes, so? I’ve seen how much it cost, even second-hand, you’re daft!

\- Will you listen or what? This piano was mine. It has been rusting in my own basement, since I have bought myself a better one, about a year ago. I had intended to sell it, but I never took the time. So, you see, I thought it would be of better use in your apartment than collecting dust in my basement. This has cost me nothing except the price of the delivery. So, do you feel better?

Anna kept silent for a little while, and said, in a hesitant voice:

\- Oh. Right. Well. I guess… Thank you then.

\- You’re welcome. It’s an old thing really, but it’ll do the trick if you want to get reacquainted with playing, and if you ever want to get serious afterwards you can always buy yourself a better one. And happy birthday.

\- Yes, about that, how the hell do you know it’s my birthday?

\- Ah, but I have my sources. Working for lady Mary Crawley has its good sides.

\- Oh, Mary spilled the beans, I get it.

\- I had a Zoom meeting with her and Robert last week and she was overseeing Timmy making a necklace for your birthday, so she mentioned it, yes. After all our talks about playing again, I thought you’d like it.

\- I do, really… It’s just… It’s a bit overwhelming, I mean, I thought you didn’t even know about my birthday, and I surely didn’t expect anything of you if you had known, except a text maybe, and now you’re sending me… a piano, for heaven’s sake.

\- Well, I hope you enjoy it. That will provide you with one more activity to pass the time when you’re not working.

\- Thank you very much, John. It really is very thoughtful of you. You’re an amazing friend. Now I have to find music sheets. I don’t even know where to start.

\- I have a rather large stack of those, in PDF format. I’ll share them on a Dropbox, then you can choose the ones you like. And if you want some that I don’t have, there a tons of websites selling them.

\- Oh, alright, thanks. I’ll have to search through my memories what pieces I liked to play before my father squeezed all the fun from it.

\- And I want to hear recordings!

\- Yeah, well, we’ll see how it goes, she laughed. I’ll keep you up to date. So, I’m sorry, I really have to go out grocery shopping, my fridge is emptier than the Atacama desert.

John laughed too.

\- Alright, I won’t keep you then. Bye.

\- Bye John. And thank you, again.

\- My pleasure. Again.

Anna hung up and looked back at the piano. A sigh escaped her lips, as she came near to take a closer look. It was indeed quite dusty and looked worn. But still, it was a marvellous gift. She resisted the temptation to try it right away, and rather picked up her handbag and her jacket to go out for shopping.

***

When she had come back and put her groceries away, Anna checked her phone and noticed that John had emailed her the Dropbox link for the music sheets. She took a stool from her kitchen and settled it in front of the piano. She sat on it, pushed the “On/Off” button, and let her hands wander over the keys rather haphazardly for a while. She closed her eyes, and tried to remember some of the music she had been playing, trying to focus on happy times, and not on her father yelling or criticizing. Bits of music phrases came and went through her mind, but they were rather blurry. She decided to shuffle through John’s collection, to see if something rang a bell to her. The files John had shared on Dropbox contained dozens and dozens of sheets, classified by style and authors. Man, the guy’s organized, laughed Anna to herself. After hesitating for a long time, she chose to try herself on an Erik Satie “Gymnopedie”. She recalled it was a fairly slow and easy piece, but nonetheless beautiful. She printed the sheet and went back to sit in front of the piano. After half an hour’s work she could play it fairly well. John was right. Once you’d learnt, it came back very quickly. It was like speaking again a language she thought she had forgotten, but really had not. After an hour, she was quite satisfied, and recorded herself with her phone. Her heart beat faster as she sent the recording to John via Whatsapp.

“ _Started with an easy one. You were right, it’s like cycling! ;D”_

She went back to browsing John’s sheet collection, when a few minutes later his answer came.

“ _Hey, not bad at all! You’ve got quite a touch! Are you enjoying yourself?”_

“ _I am, thank you so much!”_

As her eyes wandered across the sheets’ list, she froze when she read one particular title. Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”.

***

_**2003** _

_Fifteen years-old Anna was sitting on her piano stool, rehearsing for what seemed the thousandth time Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. She had thought it was a nice choice, when her father had let her choose a piece for her next audition. She liked that piece. But now, after weeks and weeks of rehearsing for hours a day, she had come to loath it. That particular day, she had been playing it over and over for three long hours, under her father unforgiving scrutiny. At the least error, he was making her start all over, gratifying her with nasty comments. When her aching fingers tripped once more, she broke into exhausted tears, and begged:_

_\- Please, dad, can I at least have a break! I can’t take it any more, I’m tired! My fingers, my wrists are all sore._

_\- You can rest when you’ve made some progress! said the man harshly. Yes, it is tiring, this is what hard work feels like. You’d know it already if you weren’t so lazy! Come on, start again!_

_\- I don’t want to dad. I’m fed up! I don’t want to play any more!_

_\- I won’t listen to that nonsense! Go ahead, I’m listening._

_\- No._

_Anna emphasized her refusal by crossing her arms on her chest, and pouting._

_\- I’m sorry?!_

_\- I said no. I won’t play again today._

_\- You will do as I’m telling you! yelled Anna’s father, losing his calm._

_At that moment, Anna lost her balance too._

_\- Is it not enough that your damned music obsession has made you lose one daughter?! Can’t you see the wrong you are doing? First to Katie, now to me! We’re not your puppets! Play yourself if it means that much too you!_

_Her father lips pursed into a thin line and his nostrils flared with anger._

_\- You won’t speak to your father that way, Anna May Smith! Go to your room! Now! You’ll not get out until I give you permission!_

_\- FINE! yelled the teenager, storming out and banging her bedroom’s door closed behind her._

_But instead of obeying her father’s orders, as soon as the man had left the living-room, Anna got out of her bedroom and walked to the garage. She was boiling with anger, but her mind was clear. She was done spending all her free time sitting in front of this god-damned piano. She couldn’t take it any more. She was going to break free, no matter what it cost. In the garage, she fount her father’s golf clubs, and took one from the stack._

_The living-room was empty when she went back there. She could hear her mother, cooking dinner in the nearby kitchen. She armed her arms, swinging the golf club over her head, and inhaled sharply, before crashing the makeshift weapon into the piano’s thin wood panels. The loudness of the cracking made her startle, but she did not pause to think. She hit again and again, each strike causing a new hole in the instrument. Her mother soon appeared in the hallway, and shrieked at the sight of her daughter’s destructive fury._

_\- Anna! For heaven’s sake, have you lost your mind! Stop that now, he’s going to kill you!_

_The edge of panic in her voice made it clear that she really did fear he could kill her daughter._

_\- I don’t care! yelled Anna, panting._

_The piano was now destroyed to a point of no return. Anna put the club down, and straightened up. She turned around slowly to look at her mother, and startled on her feet when she noticed that her father, in fact, was standing right behind her, a murderous look on his otherwise very calm face. Without a word, he snatched the golf club from her trembling hand, and lifted it over his head, as if preparing to strike his daughter with it. Anna cowered against the nearest wall, raising her arms over her face and head in protection. But he slowly lowered the club, and she lowered her arms as well. She had no time to protect herself from his next move, and she cried out when he slapped her in the face with all his might. Tears came to her eyes from the shock, and before she could collect herself, her father had grabbed her hair and was dragging her to her room. She stumbled and crashed on her bedroom floor when he pushed her inside, and locked the door from the outside. Anna stayed sobbing on the floor for a long while. Her father seldom used physical violence. Usually, verbal and emotional abuse were sufficient to assess his power over his family._

***

_**April 2020** _

Anna shuddered at the memory, and breathed deeply to soothe her racing heart. She tried to shake off the fear that had crept back into her. She was a grown-up now. She was an adult woman, free and independent, and he couldn’t hurt her any more. At that moment, she promised herself, that one day, in due course, she would be able to play the Moonlight Sonata, and take pleasure from it. That, would be her revenge. But she felt it was too soon now, and selected a few other pieces to try first. She spent the rest of her afternoon and evening in front of her piano, and when she looked up again, startled when she read 00:40 on her phone. She had completely lost track of time, and had forgotten to eat. She hurriedly crafted herself a snack, and went to bed with a lighter heart. Despite the lockdown, that had been quite a special birthday.

***

The following days were another long tunnel of identical ICU shifts. On April 25th, the total British deaths count went over 20 000, but the pace of new admissions seemed to slow down a bit. There seemed to be a small light at the end of Anna’s tunnel. Almost a month after Jo Molesley’s death, Phyllis at last managed to obtain that the HR department appoint a new physiotherapist to their unit. The day crew what preparing for their morning shift, everyone gowned, and wearing N95 masks and goggles as usual, when the young red-haired man appeared, casually joining them, wearing just scrubs and a surgical mask. The whole team looked at him quizzically, until he introduced himself:

\- Oh, hi, I’m Jimmy Kent. The new physio.

Phyllis looked at him, a little puzzled.

\- Hello, Jimmy Kent. I’ll show you around this morning. But first, let me show you where you can find adequate PPE.

Jimmy waved at her.

\- I’m good.

Phyllis looked like she was out of words, so Anna talked in her place:

\- What do you mean, you’re good? Do you intend to go into the unit and work with Covid patients in just those scrubs, and a surgical mask? Haven’t you heard about aerosolization??

\- I’m young and fit, I don’t think I risk anything serious.

Phyllis seemed to lose some of her legendary calm at the young man’s recklessness.

\- Listen, Jimmy Kent. You might think you’re a superhero or I don’t care what. Are you aware that our last physio, despite using adequate PPE, died from Covid?! Are you serious?! Now, I’m this unit’s Head Nurse, and I’m telling you, no one goes into that ward without wearing a gown, a N95 mask, and goggles! So, either you go and fetch yourself that, or you can go home, and I’ll ask for someone else. And I’ll report you to the HR. Is that clear? I’m not having people willingly endangering themselves.

Jimmy looked at her for a brief moment, as if to assess her seriousness on the subject. Concluding that she was indeed dead serious, he rolled his eyes, and sighed, and got up to walk to the storage room to fetch some PPEs. As he walked away, Phyllis, Gwen and Anna looked to each other, and Gwen said ironically:

\- Well, that’s a nice start. I’m sure this guy will fit in well.


	10. Chapter 10

_**May 2020** _

The beginning of May brought some relief on the Covid front. The number of new admissions and deaths were slowly decreasing, and the government was starting to talk about easing the lockdown rules. On May 10th, it became allowed to meet people outdoors. Anna was at work when the news came out, but as soon as she came home that night, she saw that Mary had called her about it. She called her back right away.

\- Hey Mary, good evening.

\- Hi Anna! So, when are we meeting? Are you free tomorrow? Where do you want to meet?

Anna smiled at her friend’s eagerness. She had not had any time to think all of this through, so she felt a little caught off guard, but she was very much looking forward to finally seeing her friend, and even more, her son. Tears came to her eyes at the thought of holding Timmy close, a thing she hadn’t been able to do for almost two months.

\- Er, I don’t know, let me think, she said.

Her heart sunk when she realized that she worked all day the next day. She would have to wait another day to finally see her boy again.

\- Shit, I’m working tomorrow. But the day after?

\- Sure. Will you come to the Abbey? The weather’s supposed to be good enough, we can have lunch on the terrace.

\- Alright.

The prospect of the long bicycle ride to the Abbey filled Anna with anticipation. She had not ridden outdoors for so long, and she missed that very much too.

\- And… have you heard from your nanny? asked Mary. Schools are not reopening for another few weeks apparently, so, I don’t know, how do you want to handle Timmy?

\- I… I really haven’t had much time to figure it out. I’d really like to be able to take him back, I miss him so much. I’ll call Esther, see if she would be willing to come back.

\- So, you’re taking her back, even if she left you in the lurch?

\- Well, she’s good with Timmy, and at the end of the day, I really don’t have the time nor the energy to look for another nanny, so if she’ll come, I’ll take her.

\- Alright. Listen, we’ll be glad to keep Timmy as long as necessary, he and George are like brothers now, but I know he’s missing you too, very much. It would be good if he could come back home. I think we’ll be moving back to our house anyway, in a week or so. Lockdown with my parents was fun at first, but, I think we’ve exhausted our conversation topics, if you know what I mean. I’m looking forward to some intimacy with Matthew… So, when we’re back home, maybe we can work out some hybrid system. Esther can watch him and when you’re on night or week-end shifts, we can take him back? You can bring him to our home, it’s closer than the Abbey. Unless you want him to go back to the Carsons like before?

\- Hmm, I don’t know. I know they miss him very much, and they would be happy to have him back, but I’m so afraid of bringing them the illness… I don’t know, look, give me a little time, to figure it out, talk to Esther, to Elsie, and we’ll discuss it the day after tomorrow alright?

\- Fine.

\- Thank you Mary. See you on Tuesday?

\- See you on Tuesday. Good night.

\- Goodnight.

***

Anna was so excited on Tuesday morning, at the prospect of seeing Timmy at last, that she woke up just beforesix o’clock, despite her not setting any alarm clock. She sighed at her brain, feeling the need to wake up when she couldn’t reasonably come barging in at the Abbey at this ungodly hour, no matter how eager she was to hold her son again. She would have to wait for at least three more hours… She quickly abandoned the hope of falling back asleep, she felt too feverish. Instead, she got up, spent forty-five minutes on her training bike, then went to shower, took the time to enjoy a healthy and quiet breakfast, browsing social media and reading some press articles online. When she had finished, it was not yet eight o’clock. She decided to spend a little time in front of her piano. She shuffled through her growing stack of music sheets, hesitating on what she felt like playing. Her eyes came across the Moonlight Sonata. She had printed it but had never tried it yet. She inhaled deeply as she decided to give it a go. Her hands stood motionless on the keys for a moment, before she managed to begin to play. She had only gone through the first line, but her heart was already racing and she felt as though it would burst from her chest. Her hands started trembling and her brow sweating. She stopped abruptly, shoving the sheets aside down to the floor, muttering “Shit!” under her breath. She got up and walked around her living-room three times, working hard on soothing her breathing and her heart, before picking up the papers and hiding them at the back of the stack. Obviously, she was not ready yet. She looked for something else, and a small smile appeared on her lips when she decided for another piece. “The Skye Boat Song”, that wouldn’t bring any harsh memories. Anna and John had gone through Outlander’s first season, and almost to the end of the second one. The Battle of Culloden loomed nearer and nearer for the two heroes, and there was bound to be some heartbreak coming. One day, Anna had found herself humming the theme song while combing her hair in the bathroom, and she had the idea to look online if the sheet was available. She set the two pages in front of her and started, singing while she played:

“ _Sing me a song of a lass that is gone,_

_Say, could that lass be I…_

_Merry of soul, she sailed on a day,_

_Over the sea, to Skye_

_Billow and breeze, islands and seas,_

_Mountains of rain and sun_

_All that was good, all that was fair,_

_All that was me is gone…”_

The smile lingered on her face when she finished. She started again, after having set her phone on recording. When she was satisfied with her work, she sent it to John.

“ _Hey John!_

_I was so excited this morning to see Timmy at last today, I woke up at dawn_

_(Believe me this is an exceptional feat when I’m concerned. NOT usually a morning person…)_

_I had plenty of time before I could go to the Abbey, so I spent a little time on the piano._

_What do you think of my latest performance?”_

Then she got up and finally started getting ready to ride to the Abbey.

***

The morning was fresh and luminous and Anna felt raw energy flowing through her veins. When she saw the large form of Downton Abbey at last, after almost half an hour riding, her heart beat somewhat faster than it should have for that amount of exercise. She rode up the long gravel alley to the large lawn in front of the manor house. She saw in the distance that Timmy and George were outside playing a ball game with Matthew, while Isis the Labrador ran around them, joyously barking. Tears blurred her vision as she dismounted her bike and let it fall aside. Matthew spotted her before Timmy did, concentrated as the boy was on running after the football.

\- Hey Timmy, look who’s there!

The small boy turned around and shrieked in joy:

\- Mummy!!

Mother and son ran to each other and Timmy threw himself in Anna’s arms with all his might. Anna’s knees gave way, and she knelt in the grass, holding to her boy for dear life, her shoulders shaking with the sobs she had kept inside for so many weeks.

\- Oh Timmy, my darling boy, she kept repeating, kissing him all over his face.

Feeling the wetness on her cheeks, Timmy parted a little from his mother’s embrace, and looked at her, worried:

\- Why you cry, Mummy? Are you sad?

Anna laughed throughout the tears:

\- No, Timmy, I cry because I am very very happy to see you! I was sad that you were away from me, and now I’m very happy to be with you.

\- Oh, OK, said the boy, snuggling once more into his mother’s arm.

His tone seemed to say that he felt adults were rather weird, crying when they were happy. At last, Anna managed to get up, and said hello to George and Matthew. Isis was ruffling around her feet, looking for some petting.

\- Hi Matthew, how are you?

\- I’m fine, thank you. And you? Mary told me how crazy it was at the hospital.

\- Yeah. Well. I’m happy to be here today, let’s focus on that. Is Mary alright?

\- She is, but she’s still a little nauseous in the morning, so I took the boys out while she rested a little.

\- Oh that’s annoying. She’s past the first trimester though?

\- Yes, she is…

\- I hope it’ll get better soon.

\- Let’s go back to the house, I’ll tell her you’re here.

Anna reached for a mask inside her backpack and put it on before coming closer to Matthew. She would have put it on sooner but Timmy had thrown her off guard. The four of them walked quietly back to the Crawleys’ private quarters. When Downton Abbey had been turned into a touristic complex, many years ago, the Crawley family had a smaller private house built for themselves in a separate part of the estate, about five minutes walk from the manor house. Smaller, was said in comparison to the Abbey, because to any normal people standards, it was still very large. The walk in the warm morning sun was quite enjoyable, and Matthew and Anna chatted amiably, while the boys trotted around them, Timmy’s hand securely fastened to Anna’s, who was pushing her bike with her other hand. When they arrived to the Crawleys’ house, they found Cora Crawley in the private garden, tending to her roses. The older Crawley lady had taken the heritage of her late mother-in-law regarding the art of rose-nurturing. She got up and smiled when she saw the small group coming nearer.

\- Hello Anna, she beamed, how lovely to see you around! I’d come and give you a hug, but I think it’s rather frowned upon these days… And that’s not mentioning that I’m covered in dirt.

Anna laughed.

\- Good morning Cora. I’m glad to see you too. But yes, I think it’d be wiser to stay safely apart.

\- Make yourself comfortable on the garden chairs! said Cora in her eternal American accent, gesturing to the nice outdoor furniture warming in the sun.

\- Thank you.

Anna settled on an armchair, and Timmy immediately climbed into her lap, and settled himself silently, his head in the crook of Anna’s neck.

\- Would you like a drink Anna? asked Matthew. After your ride, you must be hot?

\- Oh, yes please, just some water would be fine.

A few minutes later, Mary appeared on the terrace, holding a tray with glasses, and a bottle.

\- Anna, hi, oh, I’m so glad to see you!

\- Hi Mary, I’m very glad too!

\- You’ll have to excuse Matthew, he has a Zoom meeting with one of his clients. And my father is working too. I think he’s supposed to talk to John this morning.

\- Oh, no problem.

\- They’ll join us for lunch though.

The three women settled on the garden chairs and chatted while enjoying the warm spring sun. Mary told Anna everything about her first pregnancy ultrasound. Anna was happy to hear that everything looked fine with the baby. Cora asked Anna a few questions about the hospital, but Anna answered rather evasively. People who were not on the front-line couldn’t really figure out what it was like, and all the better for them, she thought. She didn’t see the point in telling people how it felt to be the last person a dying patient would ever see, to receive their last words and see the fear in their eyes. So she steered the conversation towards life under lockdown at the Abbey, and how George and Timmy had become so close and what they had been up too in the last two months. Cora and Mary were glad to entertain her with every aspect of the boys’ life.

\- Oh, and Timmy, said Mary, you remember the surprise for Mummy?

\- Yes Auntie Mary! I have learnt something new and I want to show you Mummy!

\- We’ll show Mummy after lunch, alright?

\- Oh, wow, I’m looking forward to it, said Anna, beaming at her son. I wonder what it could be!

\- You see later Mummy!

\- Oh, and Anna, so, have you thought about what we discussed last time? Matthew and I have decided to go back to our house next weekend.

\- Alright. Well, the good news is, since the new cases are decreasing, my Covid unit will be closing down at the end of the week, so I’m going to go back to do some regular ICU.

\- Oh, that’s wonderful, said Cora.

\- Yes, I’m very glad to, because I miss seeing something else… And I talked to Esther, she’ll be coming back too. So, I figured, if you’re OK Mary, next week, Timmy could split between your house and Esther, and the week after he can go back with the Carsons, until the schools reopen. I’d rather wait a week after I end my Covid shifts, so that I’m pretty sure I haven’t caught it.

\- Sounds perfect to me, said Mary. Really he’s no bother, he’s very well-behaved.

\- I’m glad to hear it. I’m on night shift Friday night, after that my weekend is free, so I could have Timmy back home on Saturday. Then you and Matthew can have your quiet weekend at home on your own. Oh, I know, I could take George too for the weekend, so you two can relax without kids? As a thank you from me?

\- Oh, why not… I must say that some peace and quiet would be nice… smirked Mary. What do you say George? Would you like to go and sleep at Anna’s with Timmy on Saturday night?

\- Yay! shrieked the blond boy.

\- Well that’s settled then! I’ll bring them both on Saturday. Two o’clock?

\- Alright. Oh that will be so good to have some life back in my apartment!

***

After having shared lunch with Robert, Cora, Mary, Matthew and the two boys, seated at one end of the garden table, at a safe distance from the others, Anna turned back to Timmy, asking curiously:

\- So, Timmy, what was it you wanted to show me?

\- Oh, yes, that’s true, I forgot, said Mary. Timmy, will you come with me and get ready?

\- Yes! Mummy you wait here.

The boy jumped down his chair and followed Mary, disappearing around the corner of the house, towards the Crawley's garage. Anna looked expectantly at the others, who looked back with innocent faces. She didn’t have to wait any longer though, because Timmy came back, proudly riding on George’s bike, all on his own. He looked at his mother with a radiant smile under the big bike helmet, and Anna felt her heart melt and her eyes water at once. Timmy rode around the garden three times before stopping very neatly in front of his mother.

\- Oh Timmy… Well done my darling, I am so proud of you!

\- See Mummy? Now I can ride my own bike when we go riding along the river!

\- Yes, you’re such a big boy now! Oh my god, what have you done with my baby, she added, looking back to Mary and Matthew, half-laughing, half-crying.

\- Yeah, sorry about that, laughed Matthew, but when he saw George, he wouldn’t let it go until he could try too, and he managed so very quickly! He’s really his mother’s son, there must be something in your genes! We almost sent you a video, but then we thought it would be better if you saw it yourself.

Anna reached out to pick Timmy up into her arms:

\- Oh I am so very proud, my big bike-riding boy!

***

The afternoon was coming to an end and Anna was reluctantly preparing to go back home, once again without Timmy. There was a little bit of drama when the boy understood that his mother was going back home without him.

\- But I wanna come home with you Mummy, cried the boy. I can ride with you!

Anna did her best to resist the urge to cry with him. She crouched to his level, and took him in her arms:

\- I know sweetie, and I would love it too. But the ride is too long for a four-year old boy… And Mummy has to go to work tomorrow, and there’s no one at home to look after you. Esther is not there yet. But, very soon, you’ll be back home. See, today is Tuesday, and you’re coming back on Saturday. That’s in four days. You sleep with Mary and Matthew four more times, and then you’re coming home. And we’ll have a very nice weekend with George, just the three of us. Alright? And we’ll have some pizza, and ice-cream!

The boy sniffed, and looked at Anna:

\- You promise?

\- Yes, I promise. But please, don’t cry. It will soon be over.

Anna held Timmy close for a few moments, until he stopped crying. When she finally stood up, she left out a shaky sigh, turning to Mary.

\- You know, these last weeks, I’ve often thought about those parents who sent their children away to the countryside during the Blitz. I can tell you now, I feel for them. And there were no phones or texts, or video-calls.

Mary chuckled.

\- Yeah, I know what you mean. So… See you Saturday.

\- Yep. Thank you Mary, so much.

Mary waved dismissively to her friend.

\- You know you would have done the same for me, was the situation reversed.

\- Of course I would. So, bye then.

Anna looked back to the terrace where Cora was reading. Matthew and Robert had already left to go back to work.

\- Goodbye Cora!

\- Goodbye Anna! Take care.

After a last cuddle with Timmy, Anna got on her bike and left. When she was out of sight, she finally let her tears flow free, and she soon had to stop on the side of the country road, to wipe her eyes. It wouldn’t do to ride with her vision all blurry.

***

When she finally arrived back home, she still felt quite depressed having left her boy behind. But she shook herself up and tried to focus on the happy part, which was that he would be back for good in four days. She could manage four more days, when she had already done almost two months… She crumbled on her couch and took out her phone. She saw that she had some Whatsapp notification. John had replied to her sending the piano part. She had completely forgotten about that, with the day she had spent.

“ _Hi Anna, nice to find that beautiful piece on my WA when I woke up. It is the first time I hear you sing, and I must say you have a very beautiful voice. Very nice cover of the Skye Boat Song!”_

She smiled at his praise. Although she had practised piano for years in her youth, she had never taken any singing course. She could sing on a tune, but it was quite obvious in the recording that she was no trained singer. She thought John was not very objective in his appreciation. All the same, it was enjoyable to read friendly comments. She had been so used to hear only criticism.

“ _Thank you! Sorry for not answering sooner, but I spent all day at the Abbey with the Crawleys and Timmy”_

She started to look into her fridge in search of something for dinner, before John answered back.

“ _Oh, nice! You must have been so happy to see your boy!”_

“ _I was, and it was so hard to leave him tonight. But the good news is, I’m getting him back on Saturday! I can’t wait!”_

“ _Great! You must be so relieved!”_

“ _I really am… Those two months felt like an eternity”_

“ _Yeah, I think almost everyone would agree with you on that one. Even I, not being a very social person, can’t wait to be able to get out of my apartment and see real life people”_

“ _Hey, speaking of that, maybe we could meet this weekend? I’ll have Timmy and George all weekend, we’ll probably go out for a walk in the park if the weather is OK, if you want to meet us there…”_

At the other end of the thread, John suddenly felt very hot. Was this charming, attractive and very sensible young woman asking him on a date? He shook those thoughts off at once. A walk in the park with two little kids could hardly qualify as a date. But no matter the context, a chance to see her and talk to her face to face seemed too good to miss…

“ _That’d be great. Just tell me on Sunday when you want to meet and where.”_

“ _Alright cool. Shall we finish Outlander’s second season tonight?”_

“ _Yeah, sure.”_

“ _I’m so scared of what is going to happen… Do you think the rebellion stands a chance?”_

“ _Well History doesn’t seem to be in their favour…”_


	11. Chapter 11

_**May 2020** _

The four next days felt like forever to Anna, and from what Mary told her, to Timmy too. Finally on Saturday morning, she got out of her last night shift, and went back home, took a quick shower and went to bed, hoping to get another two hours sleep before the boys came. She was in quite high spirits, on the one hand because her son was coming back home, and on the other hand, because this had been her last Covid shift for the time being. On Monday she was back to regular ICU, and she couldn’t wait.

Two o’clock at last rang, and Mary was there with the two boys, Timmy with his large suitcase and George with a small backpack for the weekend.

\- Hi Anna!

\- Hi Mary, come in!

\- Yeah, you know, I’m an outlaw right now, coming into your apartment…

Anna chuckled:

\- Jesus you’re right, I had not thought about that. Well you will not stay for long. And if a neighbour gives me to the police for having visitors, you’ll visit me in prison?

\- I’ll burn the place down to get you out.

This time Anna laughed heartily:

\- Well, nice to know what you’re prepared to do for me. Hi boys, she went on, ruffling both their hairs.

When Mary had left, Anna went with the boys into Timmy’s room, and they spent a good part of the afternoon playing. Timmy was happy to rediscover his toys and surroundings after his two-months absence, and Anna was amazed to witness how the two boys got on perfectly well, and needed very little adult supervision. After an hour or so, Anna left them to their own devices, and went to attend to Timmy’s suitcase. She emptied it, put the used clothes into the laundry basket, and folded the clean ones back into his chest of drawers. She loaded a washing machine and started the program. She took the last stack of recently washed clothes, and started folding them to put them back into her own room. She hated ironing, so she usually bought clothes that didn’t need to be ironed. When she was done, she went back to Timmy’s room, where the boys were still playing with toy cars on Timmy’s traffic rug.

\- Hey boys, what if we prepared George’s bed for tonight?

\- Oh yes, Mummy!

Anna bent down and pulled out the truckle bed that was stowed under Timmy’s bed. She took out a sheet, a pillow case, and a small sleeping bag, and the three of them worked together. Anna thought that she would have done it twice as fast if she had not had the kids’ “help”, but it was fun to hear them debate over what cushion Timmy would be willing to lend George for a makeshift pillow.

After a short outing to the nearest playground, and some board game playing, Anna put the boys into the bathtub and let them play for a while. She checked her phone, and saw that Mary had texted:

“ _Is everything going fine?”_

“ _Of course it is! They’re currently having the time of their life soaking my bathroom ;D”_

“ _OK great”_

“ _Enjoy your kid-free night!”_

Anna smiled as she added a little “devil” and a “not under 18” emojis.

“ _Haha, you can count on it”_ replied Mary with a winking one.

\- Alright, boys, it’s pizza time, called Anna.

\- Yay! Yelled the boys.

Tne minutes later, the kids were in their pyjamas, admiring the pizzas heating in the oven.

\- So, how would you like to eat and watch a cartoon? Asked Anna with an enticing smile on her face.

\- Yes! Yes! Agreed the boys.

\- What cartoon? Asked George.

\- Have you seen the “Cars” movie? You know, with Flash McQueen?

\- No…

\- Alright let’s try it then.

The evening passed happily, eating pizza, ice-cream, and laughing to the adventures of Flash McQueen and his cars friends.

When the boys were finally tucked into bed, Anna sighed contently, contemplating how much she had missed those moments spent with her son. After tidying up the living-room and kitchen, she settled into bed with her latest book, and suddenly remembered she was supposed to text John about their meeting the next day. She reached for her phone and typed:

“ _Tomorrow, Clifton Bridge, at the entrance of Rawcliffe Meadows?_

_I was thinking of taking the boys for a picnic, would you like to join us?_

_Or you can come later if you’d rather”_

“ _Picnic sounds lovely to me. What time?”_

“ _Meeting at 11:30 at the bridge?”_

“ _Perfect. See you tomorrow”_

“ _OK”_

***

John arrived first near the bridge the next day. He had spent all morning telling himself he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t help feeling nervous at the thought of finally meeting Anna Smith IRL. They had already met, in fact, in the hospital hallway, but it had lasted about three minutes and both had half their face hidden (or even more, regarding Anna). This was their first real meeting, and hell, he was nervous. He was not the kind of person to make new friends easily, and always feared being inadequate, boring, annoying and all other sorts of self-diminishing qualifications. He wondered what Anna Smith, a young, independent, educated and beautiful (from what he had seen through their videocalls) woman, could find of interest in him. Yet it was her who had initiated their friendship, and it was her again, who had asked that they meet. While he was brroding over all those thoughts, his heart leapt as he heard her unmistakeable voice calling out:

\- John! Hi!

He looked up, and immediately concluded that she was even more beautiful when not seen through the screen of a smartphone. She was walking towards him, beaming, a large backpack on her back, and one blond boy holding each of her hands. He straightened up from the fence he had been leaning on, and hastily wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers.

\- Hi Anna!

As Anna stopped a few feet away from him, he looked down to the boys:

\- And hello, young gentlemen. You would be Timmy of course, you look just like your mother.

\- Ahah, replied Anna, and that would be easy to guess since you already know George…

John sent a wink into George’s direction.

\- Hello George.

Although John had already seen George at the Abbey, it had been a long time ago, and the boy did not seem to remember him. He looked at Anna quizzically. She explained:

\- Timmy, George, this is John. He’s a friend of mine, and he works at Downton Abbey with your mum, George. Would you say hi to John, boys?

\- Hi John, chanted both of the kids.

\- Shall we go and find a spot for our picnic, before all the good places are taken?

It was a sunny Sunday, and after two months of lockdown, all of York seemed to be out to enjoy the fresh air.

\- Jesus, how good it feel to stretch one’s legs and bathe in the sun… sighed Anna, sitting contentedly on the bench they had chosen, while the kids, having eaten to their heart content, where engaged in the serious matter of throwing stones in the river.

\- Yes it does, agreed John.

\- So, how’s it going at the Abbey? Will it reopen soon? I realize I didn’t even asked Mary when I saw her.

\- Well, we should be able to reopen the hotel rooms in about two weeks, with room service for the meals. But no restaurant and no social gathering for the time being…

\- Oh. I guess it’s better than nothing.

\- It is, but still, there will be some heavy financial loss. There were many events planned in May and June. Weddings, charity events… There should be some government subsidies to help make ends meet, but I’m afraid it won’t cover the loss. I’m glad the Abbey was largely beneficial before all this, at least we have some cash to see things coming.

\- Thanks to you I guess. Robert Crawley was not known to be the best of economists, before he hired you… He made a good choice.

John blushed a little.

\- What about you? How did you handle that particular time in the hospital.

\- Oh, well… I cannit say it’s been easy. I did not think I would ever face such a situation in the course of my medical career. I dearly hope the worst is behind us now. Anyway, I’m going back to regular ICU tomorrow, and very happy to.

At that moment, Timmy came back to the bench, crying. Anna had seen him in the short distance, falling in the rocks after tripping on a big one.

\- Mummy…

\- He fell on the big rock, informed George.

\- Oh Timmy, where did you hurt yourself?

Timmy showed her his scratched hand.

\- Oh, I see. Let’s clean that scratch, and I’m sure it will heal very fast.

Anna humidified a napkin with a little water, and cleaned the dirty little hand. When she was done, she blew lightly onit, and smiled to Timmy.

\- See, almost gone. Want a healing hug?

The boy nodded and snuggled into Anna’s arm. Meanwhile, George was showing John a very interesting collection of rocks he had picked up near the river. An old lady, walking the tiniest of dogs on a leash, stopped in front of them, staring and beaming at the sight of them. As Anna looked curiously at her, wondering what she wanted, the lady started:

\- What a lovely little family… Although, I wonder, how on earth did you get two blond boys with such a dark-haired father?

Anna and John looked at each other, a bit baffled at the old woman’s intrusiveness. They both broke into a hearty laugh, and John answered:

\- Well I don’t know about the mysteries of genetic, but maybe it’s because they’re not my kids. And with all due respect, Ma’am, maybe you should mind your own business rather than assume things when you don’t know anything about people.

The lady seemed offended, and left muttering things to herself. Anna was still working through her fit of giggle, and breahted hard before saying:

\- Oh I love how you told her off! People, especially old ladies, can be so embarrassing! It’s unbelievable really. You can’t imagine how many times old women I didn’t know from Adam started asking me questions about Timmy and why I was a single mother. It’s like when they’re old, they don’t think they need to be polite any more! I never dare to answer rudely, but maybe I will from now on…

\- Well, seriously… I mean, what was that?!

They both laughed a bit more, until Anna straightened:

\- Well, kids, what if we went for a walk? We could walk down to that playground you like Timmy?

\- OK Mummy!

\- Shall we? asked Anna to John.

\- Alright.

Down at the playground, John and Anna sat on another bench while the kids ran around.

\- So, have you been enjoying playing the piano? asked John.

\- Oh, I have. And, yesterday, the boys met it… answered Anna with a contrite face.

\- Oh. Was it a disaster? You know, since your face?

Anna laughed:

\- Let's say I might have lost a little of my hearing ability. But Timmy seemed interested, maybe I can enrol him for some lessons when he's a bit older. We'll see if he's willing. God forbid I forced him into it.

\- Of course.

\- But it's been doing me some good, really. I had not known how much I had missed it. Although I've tried playing the Moonlight Sonata, and I just can't. I am blocked.

\- Oh? Why this particular piece?

\- Oh, right, I had not told you. It's the piece I was rehearsing when things got out of hand with my father and I broke the piano. I've tried it again a few times and it always makes me so nervous. Like you know, a small PTSD of some sort.

\- I see. Well maybe you'd better forget about that piece and not play it again?

\- But I like it, and I'd really like to be able to play it again…

\- Then maybe you need help.

\- What do you mean?

\- I don't know… Maybe first you'd need to be able to hear it without flinching? Have you tried just listening to it?

\- No, I haven't. Do you play it?

\- I have learnt it a very long time ago… I could come back to it if you'd like.

\- I would. Maybe you could play it for me?

\- I could, if you want. And maybe when you're OK listening to it, and if this damned pandemic ever allows us to visit one another's home, we could work on it together.

\- Oh I'd like that. I'm sure it would be easier if I was not alone with my memories.

\- Alright. We'll do it then.

\- Thanks you John. You're so nice to me. I don't really get why, but I appreciate it.

He hesitated a little as to what to answer to that. He could not really dwell into the real answer to that question. That would scare her off, and he was not ready to admit it either.

\- I don't know, I guess I like you because you are a beautiful person. Inside as much as outside.

Anna blushed crimson in a heartbeat, and gave an embarrassed laugh:

\- Jeez, John, stop saying things like that… I really don't deserve them.

\- Maybe you do, but if it's bothering you, let's say that I enjoy spending time with you, even if it's over Whatsapp.

\- Well the reverse is true as well.

Anna was glad of the boys' interruption at that very moment, because things were sliding towards a slippery slope in her opinion. Timmy and George were both red-cheeked and sweaty, and asked for something to drink.

George had been given back to his father at the end of the afternoon, and Anna and Timmy enjoyed their first night alone together. Esther was coming back to watch him the next morning. Anna had settled herself next to her son on his little bed, and they spent some quiet time reconnecting, reading his favourite stories and singing his favourite nursery rhymes. When the boy was asleep, she stayed there, lying next to him, for a long while, just enjoying watching him sleep. She had to refrain herself from kissing him every other second, in fear of waking him up. She contemplated for a moment the thought of sleeping there next to him, but she would probably wake up with some back ache, and wake him up too early, so she reluctantly got up and went to her own bedroom. While she was doing her nightly routine, a Whatsapp notification from John bipped.

" _I spent a very nice time with you and the kids today._

_I hope we can do it again some time."_

Anna smiled and typed back:

" _I enjoyed it too. It'd be fun to do it again."_

" _I found my Moonlight Sonata sheet, I'll start working on it tonight, so I can play it for you soon"_

" _Thanks. It means a lot to me. Goodnight John"_

" _Goodnight Anna"_

She went back to brushing her teeth, and settled into bed. Soon another notification came in.

" _Hey Anna, George had a lot of fun this week-end, or so he tells me."_

" _I'm glad he did"_

" _He tells me you ran into John Bates at the park?"_

" _We didn't run into him, I had invited him to join us."_

There was a moment without an answer, and Anna felt herself blush in spite of herself.

" _WHAT? I can hear you smirking all the way from your house Mary Crawley!"_

" _Nope. Nothing. I haven't said anything."_

" _Yeah right."_

" _So, let me get this straight, this is the guy you're NOT dating right?"_

" _Absolutely. I invited him AS. A. FRIEND._

_Repeat after me: I am not dating John Bates."_

" _OK fine. Understood."_

" _Goodnight Mary."_

" _Gnight"_

Anna knew that Mary would probably not drop the matter that easily. She was her best friend but she could really get a more than a little annoying when it came to playing matchmaker. Anna pouted and put the phone on his charger, before focusing on her book.


	12. Chapter 12

_**May 2020** _

Anna and her colleagues gladly went back to regular ICU the following week. It felt very good to do something else than Covid, even though the job was not really easier. Relatives visits were still very scarcely allowed, and it was very frustrating both to families and staff. Jimmy Kent had sobered up, and now complied with the safety rules without complaining.

  
  


A week after leaving the Covid ward, and after having tested negative, Anna at last allowed herself to go see the Carsons again, and bring Timmy to them. Both of them were very excited as they entered the Carsons’ house after more than two months without seeing them.

\- Oh, Anna, Timmy! exclaimed Elsie when she saw them.

Timmy ran to Elsie and circled her legs with his little arms, hiding his face into her skirt.

\- Auntie Elsie!

\- Oh, my dear lad, I’m so happy to see you, said Elsie, ruffling his blond hair. I’ve missed you so much! And you too Anna, she added, looking up to Anna with bright eyes. Do you allow me to hug you?

\- Yes, sure, said Anna.

The warm embrace her surrogate mother gave her made her feel regenerated. It was full of love, support and longing.

\- Oh my dear girl, said Elsie. I’m so proud of you. I so wished we could have helped you more through all of this.

Anna only smiled kindly at her. Charles Carson came in from his workshop, wiping his hands on a towel.

\- Anna, Timmy, hello! boomed the large man, his bushy brows raised in pleasure. How are you my dears?

\- Pretty good, Uncle Charlie? And you?

\- Fine, fine… A little bit bored, to be honest, but I’ve thrown myself into woodwork!

\- So Auntie Elsie has told me, yes, smiled Anna.

\- I always wanted to learn how to craft wood, so I thought, it’s now or never. I watched tutorials on that YouTube thing, and I think I’m pretty good!

\- And modest, added Elsie, and the two women laughed.

\- Don’t you miss your bridge club, then? asked Anna.

\- Oh, well, yes, but, we’re playing online now! explained Charles. And soon we’ll meet again, we’ll play outside, with masks.

\- Oh, nice.

The four of them settled into the sitting-room and had tea while catching up. Charles gave Anna the present he had prepared for her birthday but had not been able to give to her then. It was a beautifully hand-crafted wooden box, filled with small compartments.

\- you can use it to store your jewels, or make-up, or hair things, or what you want really, said Charles.

\- Thank you Uncle Charlie, it’s beautiful! marvelled Anna.

Elsie gave her a large set of adult- and child-sized home-sewn masks, in different colours and patterns. Timmy was very taken on the dinosaurs- and trucks-adorned ones.

\- Thank you Auntie Elsie, said the boy, trying on a robots-decorated one.

\- Now you’ll have the classiest masks in the neighbourhood, laughed Anna.

\- So, tell me Anna, what are you planning to do for Timmy’s birthday? asked Charles. It’s coming near! Five years old, it’s a big thing! We want to party!

Anna smiled:

\- Well, I don’t know really. Mary had suggested we go to the Abbey, but I don’t want to intrude on them again, with all they have done for us already.

\- On the other hand, said Elsie, they do have the best place for a safe outdoor party…

\- That’s true, agreed Charles. Look, are you free Sunday after next?

Anna checked her planning on her smartphone, and nodded:

\- I am.

\- Alright. Don’t bother with anything, you have already enough work as it is. I will call Mary and Robert and we’ll arrange everything. A nice outdoor barbecue for our favourite boy.

The Carsons were ex-employees of the Crawleys, and had stayed in very good terms with them since they had retired.

\- Are you sure, Uncle Charlie?

\- Anna. I. Am. Bored. Please let me have something to do.

Anna laughed good-heartedly at his plea.

\- Alright, alright. But don’t let him get out of hand, please, Auntie Elsie.

\- I’ll be right there watching his back, said Elsie looking pointedly at her husband. And Timmy, what would you like for your birthday?

\- A grown-up bike! exclaimed the boy.

\- Fine! Good note taken, said Charles.

After spending a nice moment with the Carsons, Anna kissed her son goodbye and left him in their care, and went to take her night shift at the hospital. That night was unusually calm, and she managed to get five hours of sleep straight. So when she left the hospital the next morning, she didn’t feel like going to bed. Since she was not expected at the Carsons’ before lunch, she thought she would use that free time to go have a run in the nearby park. She ate a light breakfast, changed into running clothes, and started her way to the park. She had run three laps around the small park when she noticed a familiar-looking silhouette sitting on a bench a little further away. As she approached, her doubts were confirmed: John Bates was sitting in this bench, reading a newspaper. She came up to him and stopped a few feet away from him.

\- Hello there!

John’s head jerked up, and a surprised smile lit up his face:

\- Oh, hello Anna!

\- What are you doing here? she asked.

\- Well, see, enjoying the morning sun when the park’s not too crowded, and reading my newspaper. And you… seem to be enjoying a footing? I thought riding was your sport?

\- I love riding yes, but I like running too from time to time, she answered, wiping her flushed and sweaty face on her sleeve.

She took a gulp of water from the bottle she was carrying in her small backpack.

\- Do you want to sit for a while? asked John, gesturing to the bench.

\- Yeah, why not, I have time.

John closed his newspaper, and shifted himself more towards the end of the bench. As Anna sat down, her eyes caught the front page of the paper, where a myriad of little photo shots were showing. She tilted her head and squinted to have a better look at the title.

\- “Lives lost in battle”… she deciphered.

John handed the paper to her so that she could take a look.

\- I don’t know if it’s good fro you, looking at this, he said, doubtful.

It happened that the numerous little pictures were all portraits of health care workers who had died from Covid throughout Great-Britain during the previous weeks. Anna’s heart felt heavy as she looked across the mosaic. Most faces were late middle-aged, but there were some occasional young faces too. Nurses, doctors, assistant nurses, paramedics… and physiotherapist. Anna’s blood grew cold as her gaze went across one particular familiar, smiling face.

\- Jo… she breathed, her voice thick with emotion.

\- Someone you knew? asked John, concerned.

Her finger pointed at the friendly face:

\- It’s Jo Molesley… our late physio.

\- Oh, right, I remember you told me about him.

Tears started rolling down Anna’s cheeks.

\- I’m sorry Anna, said John, taking the paper back. I shouldn’t have shown it to you. I’m such a fool.

\- It’s alright John, she said. You didn’t know.

She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. When her hand went back to rest on her knee, John tentatively brought his own over it, and squeezed it gently.

\- This is not very Covid-friendly, she pointed, but she nonetheless returned his squeeze.

\- Never mind, answered John, I have some sanitizing gel in my pocket.

She chuckled, and inhaled sharply.

\- Will you be OK? he asked, concern audible in his voice.

\- I will, she assured, sending him a watery smile.

He released her hand, and took out his bottle of hand-gel from his pocket, offering some to her. While they were both rubbing their hands, he went on, changing the subject:

\- You know, I’ve been working on the Moonlight Sonata, and I think I should be ready to play it for you when you feel ready for it.

\- Oh, that’s nice, thank you. Will you send me a recording?

\- Or, I thought, I could play it live for you over Whatsapp?

\- That’d be great.

\- That way, if you feel bad you can tell me to stop and tell me what’s going on and maybe I can help you through.

\- That’s very kind of you. When?

\- Er, I don’t know? How about tonight?

\- Alright… I’ll text you when Timmy’s asleep?

\- Sure.

Anna looked at her watch quickly and straightened up.

\- Thank you for doing this, you don’t have to…

\- My pleasure.

\- I should get going, I need to shower, and go out for groceries before I go pick up Timmy.

\- Alright. It was very nice meeting you, Anna.

\- Yes, it was.

She sent him a bright smile before running away. His eyes lingered on her fading silhouette, before he realized he was staring, his heart beating faster than reasonable. He shrugged and went back to reading the newspaper.

***

When Timmy was down for the night that evening, Anna texted John as she had told she would. She felt rather tired, having had a short night before, but she didn’t want to miss their appointment. She settled in her couch with a plaid and a warm mug of tea, and a few moments later the incoming video call rang.

\- Good evening Anna!

\- Good evening. Sorry I’ve been a long time, I don’t know what got over Timmy tonight, he just wouldn’t settle into bed…

\- It’s alright. I had some work to finish anyway.

\- Oh, OK.

\- Have you had a good day?

\- Well, you know, just the usual day. I got mad at the odd people not wearing their masks in the grocery shop…

John laughed.

\- Oh they came across the wrong person, I guess.

\- People… Anyway. Let’s talk about something else. I took Timmy out for a ride this afternoon, we enjoyed it very much. He’s so eager to have his own bike soon. His fifth birthday's coming up next week, she explained, and he asked for a “grown-up bike”. Like Mummy, see.

\- Nice. That’s great you can share that between the two of you.

\- It is. I’d be really bummed if he hated riding…

She stifled a yawn, while reaching for her cup of tea.

\- Oh, you must be exhausted, would you prefer if we did that another time?

\- No, no, it’s alright. Let’s do this.

\- Alright, said John. Let me settle at the piano.

He sat down on his piano stool, and set his phone so that she would watch him play.

\- Don’t hesitate to stop me if it gets hard for you, John said, searching for her eyes through the phone screen.

\- Alright.

Anna settled her phone on the coffee table in front of the couch, and lay down on the couch, resting her head on a cushion.

\- Are you ready? asked John.

\- Go ahead, she answered.

As the first music notes came through her phone, Anna felt her heart quicken, and her chest constrict a little. She forced herself to breath slowly in and out, and focused on John’s hands and face, to push away the memories. She gradually managed to relax, and her eyelids grew heavier. After a moment, she couldn’t resist and closed them. When he finished playing a few minutes later, John looked back at the phone, and saw Anna lying, her eyes closed. He asked softly:

\- Anna? Are you alright?

But she didn’t respond, and he concluded that she had fallen asleep. A smile crept on his lips, and he whispered:

\- Well, I think it is good night then.

And he ended the video call. He typed into the thread:

“ _I think you fell asleep while I was playing, which I take as a good sign, because at least it means you were not in a panic attack… I hope it was not because of my playing being so boring though…”_

He added a little winking emoji, and sent the message.

A while later, Anna stirred and opened her eyes, unfocused. She wondered for a brief moment what she was doing on her couch, and suddenly remembered. She grabbed her phone and read John’s last message. She chuckled and felt a little ashamed for falling asleep in the middle of John’s playing for her.

“ _I’m so sorry John… I did fall asleep, but I’d rather put it on my previous night shift than on your playing being boring. For the part I remember, it was perfect and beautiful and I did not go into panic attack. So yes, it’s good. We’ll have to do it again so I can listen to it fully! So, I think I’ll go to sleep in my actual bed now. Talk to you soon, and thank you very much.”_

***

On Timmy’s birthday, on the last day of May, Charles Carson had prepared along with Mary a festive barbecue party on the Abbey’s grounds. They had even set up a large tent in case of rain. Luckily, the weather was quite cloudy, but dry. Anna and Timmy rode up to the Abbey, Timmy on his ride-along bike behind Anna’s bike. All the guests were already there when they arrived. Anna started greeting everyone, and raised her eyebrows in surprise when she noticed that John Bates was there too.

\- Hello Anna, he said a bit sheepishly.

\- Er, hi…

She didn’t really get why he was here, since Timmy’s birthday did not concern him. She looked around for Mary, who was shooting her an innocent-meant smile. There was her friend, playing match-maker again. She rolled her eyes, and went back to John.

\- Hello John. I’m sorry, I was just a little surprised, I didn’t know you would be there today.

\- Yes, Mary invited me. I hope you don’t mind.

\- No, not at all…

So it was indeed Mary’s doing. Her dark-haired friend was sitting in a lounge chair, a hand casually spread on her expanding belly, looking very satisfied with herself. The other guests present counted Cora and Robert of course (not really guests, since they were at their own place), the Carsons, Mary, Matthew and George, and Sybil with her husband Tom and their two kids. The grown-ups were sitting a good distance from one another, in the open air, while the kids ran around. Charles and Robert were attending to the barbecue while the rest of the party chatted amiably.

\- So, the young people are going back to school tomorrow? said Cora.

\- Yep, answered Sybil, and good for everyone, before we all go nut from homeschooling.

Anna laughed. While Sybil had been working day in and day out in her Covid ward, Tom had been remote-working and homeschooling their kids. Or at least trying to, and not very successfully it appeared. His mental health had been put under serious strain during the last two weeks.

\- Thank God for schools and teachers, he exclaimed, half-laughing, half-serious.

\- Is Timmy’s preschool reopening too? asked Mary.

\- Yes, and he’s very eager to go back, he loves his teacher. And I’m glad too, that means I’ll be able to cut back on Esther’s hours, which cost me half a kidney in the last three weeks.

The chat went quietly on between them. Anna enjoyed a free and relaxing time for the first time in weeks, and life almost felt like before. Every time her eyes crossed John’s gaze, she found him already looking at her, and he averted his eyes quickly when she noticed. She frowned a little, but before she could spend some time dwelling on that, Cora was bringing the birthday cake. When the birthday song had been sung and Timmy had blown his candles off, Charles brought by the shiniest red “grown-up” bike, to Timmy’s delight. He went up to Anna straight away, asking her to put on his head the helmet that had come with it, and he launched himself into a grand tour of the Abbey’s lawns. Anna had also ordered a fixation device that allowed her to fasten the small bike to the rear of her own bike. She could fasten and unfasten the bike at will, thus offering Timmy more autonomy when they rode together, but with readily available help when the ride became too hard for the little boy.

\- Like mother like son, beamed Elsie, watching the boy happily riding around.

\- He’s such a darling, laughed Anna, her eyes shining.

As the afternoon went on quietly, John came up to Anna, and asked her, with a crooked smile:

\- So, did you end your night well the other day?

Anna sent him a shameful smile:

\- Yeah, about that… I’m really sorry, I don’t know what happened, it was like a rock fell on me, I didn’t see it coming at all… But I heard the beginning, and I was a little nervous at first, but I managed quite well, and I enjoyed it, for the part I was conscious enough to listen to!

\- Well I’m glad for that at least, he answered joyfully.

\- Would you play it again, like tomorrow perhaps? During the day, so I’m sure I won’t fall asleep! I’m not working tomorrow. Only tomorrow night.

\- Alright, if you want. Since Timmy will be at school, maybe we could have a lunch break together? I mean, remotely together obviously.

\- That’d be nice, yeah. Text me when you’re available. I will be at any time that suits you.

\- Deal.


	13. Chapter 13

_**June-July 2020** _

On the day following his birthday party, Timmy gladly went back to school. He was thrilled to see his teacher and schoolmates. One of the other teachers was still missing though, having been ill and not yet fully recovered. After exchanging a few kind words with Mrs Jackson, Timmy’s teacher, and having left him in her care, Anna went back home, and settled on her computer, working on the medical study they had been conducting in her Covid ward. She was just typing the last numbers into her Excel form when her phone buzzed:

“ _Hey Anna, so, is it a good time for our lunch break?”_

“ _Yes, perfect, I've just finished what I was doing. Call me on Whatsapp”_

A minute later, they were connected on a video-call.

\- Hi John. How are you?

\- Fine. And you? Did you ride home OK yesterday with Timmy?

\- Oh yes. He loves his new bike so much. He insisted to ride it to school this morning.

\- I had never seen that special device you found to hold the two bikes together, it’s very clever!

\- Yes, it’s very handy to ride with a kid. Did you enjoy your day yesterday? I don’t know if attending the birthday party of your employer’s daughter’s friend’s kid was your idea of fun.

John laughed.

\- If you must know yes, I enjoyed it very much. Because my employer’s daughter’s friend happens to be my friend too now, and I think her boy is a very nice kid.

Anna blushed a little. Although she noticed that he used the term “friend” to define her and that suited her well.

\- So, he went on, would you rather we eat first, or would you prefer we do your session of Moonlight Sonata therapy now?

\- I’m not that hungry right now, so maybe we could start with the music if you don’t mind.

\- Fine by me.

He arranged his laptop on his piano, angled so that he and the piano keyboard were visible through the webcam. He looked sideways to Anna and sent a crooked smile.

\- Ready?

\- Ready, she nodded.

He started playing, on a rather slow tempo. Like the previous time, Anna felt her heart-rate quicken at first, but she closed her eyes and breathed slowly in and out, and she managed to look back through the screen and focus on John’s hands movements. Looking at them, she could feel the memories of how her own hands had moved when they had played the same notes, and she felt the urge to try again. When the Sonata was over, John looked up and found Anna’s eyes, not sleeping this time.

\- So? How do you feel?

\- I wanna play it. You made me remember why I loved that piece so much. It’s really beautiful. And I can confirm that your playing is not boring at all.

\- I’m glad to hear it. I’ll send you a recording, so you can listen to it any time you want.

\- Thank you, that’d be nice.

\- Would you feel up to trying to play on your own? Or maybe with me on video-call? Because I don’t know when we’ll finally be able to meet indoors and play together…

Anna thought over it for a moment.

\- I’m not sure. I think I’d prefer to wait until we can meet and you can be near me when I try. I still think I need a physical presence near me. I don’t want to ruin my progress.

\- Alright. We’ll have to wait then.

\- Maybe in a few weeks.

They went on chatting about everything and anything, and shared their lunch over Whatsapp, before saying goodbye and agreeing to meet again in the park later in the week.

In the evening, Anna received the recording John had promised, and she listened to it several times in her bed before going to sleep. She felt gradually more relaxed each time she started it again.

***

All through the month of June, people kept meeting only outdoors, as it was still forbidden to meet indoors. In mid-June, the government had introduced the concept of “linked household”, meaning that households composed of only one adult with or without children, had the right to choose one other household, and be allowed to visit and stay over their home. Anna’s household qualified to that, and she spent a little time debating with herself who she should claim as her linked house-hold. Mary and Matthew, or the Carsons? She thought briefly of John, but it seemed quite selfish to chose someone who was no of direct interest to Timmy. She decided over the Carsons, since they were already seeing each others regularly over Timmy’s care, so it would only make things official. Mary pouted a little over still not being able to have Anna over, but she finally understood the logic in Anna’s choice. As for John, they kept regularly meeting in the park and over Whatsapp. They were now chatting on a daily basis, and felt like they were starting to know each other pretty well, even though they spent very little time together physically. Mary kept hinting to Anna that John would make a suitable boyfriend, but Anna kept telling her off over and over. At the beginning of July, as Covid cases kept getting lower, all restrictions were finally lifted. Pubs, restaurants and movie theatres reopened, and people were able to visit one another’s home at will. As soon as that news came out, Anna suggested that she and John met to finally go forward with what they now called her “Moonlight therapy”. They agreed to meet a few days later for a lunch in a pub, and then go over to John’s apartment to play, since he had the better piano. The next day, after she had put Timmy to bed, Anna received a call from Mary. After chatting randomly for a while, Mary asked:

\- So, now that we’re allowed out in the real world, what do you say to a girls-only shopping spree the day after next? We could have lunch downtown?

\- Er, I’m sorry, I can’t, answered Anna.

\- Oh? Are you working?

\- Hmm, no… I’m… meeting John, she said, a little embarrassed.

She knew what Mary would make of that particular information, and she didn’t want to hear it. Luckily her friend did not respond immediately, giving her a chance to add firmly:

\- Mary Crawley, if you say the word “date” one more time I swear it’s you I’ll be breaking up with.

She heard Mary chuckled at the other end of the line.

\- Alright, alright, you stubborn girl. I’ll say no more. But you won’t make me stop thinking what I think.

\- Think all you want to, but keep it to yourself.

***

Anna’s next shift in the ICU felt like a nightmare. She lost three patients in the course of the same day, something that had not happened since her last Covid shifts, almost two months back. One of them was a very young mother, and left behind a stunned and desperate husband and two orphans. Thus Anna had not felt as depressed for a long time when she left the hospital that night. She spent a long time near Timmy, trying to soothe herself by inhaling the sweet scent of his curly blond hair, as the boy fell asleep in his little bed. Her heart still felt leaden-heavy when she finally left his side, brushing her cheeks with the back of her hand. She tried to keep her mind off it by watching another Outlander episode with John. They were now coming close to the end of the fourth season, and she still enjoyed the show, although she regretted that the characters had left Scotland so they could not bathe their eyes with the Highlands scenery any more. The following night was hard, and populated with ghosts and little kids asking where their mummy had gone, and brooding over what could have been done differently. Anna felt tired and anxious when she got up the next morning, but forced herself to smile while she got Timmy ready for preschool. When she came back home though, she consideredcancelling the meeting with John, because she didn’t feel in the mood for socializing. But she thought it might at least help her to focus on something else, and not spend her entire day brooding like she had spent her night. So she dressed up in a nice light blue shirt and a knee-length skirt, and went out to meet John.

It felt quite awkward at first to meet in a pub, after so much time locked indoors, but Anna soon found that she felt more relaxed in John’s company, and that the conversation between them flowed easily. They talked for a while about the new organization he was helping setting up at Downton Abbey, in compliance with the new government guidelines, so that the Abbey could fully reopen. Then they talked a bit about what they were planning to do for summer vacation. Anna had no particular plan. John intended to go to Scotland, as he had already told her. When they had finished with lunch, they walked leisurely back to John’s apartment. The day was quite hot, and they both were a little flushed when they made it to John’s place. As John closed the door behind them, Anna entered and put her purse on the coat hanger near the entrance. She looked around silently. John’s flat was not large, but sufficient for a single person. The large windows let a lot of daylight in, and the decoration was simple, but cosy.

\- Would you like something to drink? asked John.

\- A glass of water would be fine, answered Anna.

She followed him into the kitchen, and took the glass he was handing him, and they both drank. When she had finished, she put the empty glass down on the table, and stood motionless for a second, her hand flat on the table. At that precise moment, a fierce urge came over her, and the second John had put his own glass in the sink, she took the step forward that brought her close to him, clasped her hands around the back of his neck and crashed her lips onto his. He received her move with a muffled cry, taken aback by that sudden and unexpected development. However his own senses quickly took control and he seized her, turned around and sat her on the edge of the table. Anna frantically started undoing John’s shirt. She had not planned this, she didn’t know really why she was doing this here and now, but she only knew that she needed it right now. Something like an instinct had taken over her, like she needed to prove herself that she was still part of the living world. When enough clothes had been ripped off on both parts, amidst a frenzy of roaming hands and mouths, John found into himself one last thread of practical sense, and breathed into Anna’s neck:

\- Anna… I don’t have any…

She shushed him with her mouth, and said in a whisper:

\- No need.

The world around them faded away while they joined in a raw and animalistic energy, there on the kitchen table. It did not last long, and both of them achieved satisfaction in the few minutes it did. In the immediate aftermath, they stayed motionless, panting, Anna’s forehead resting on John’s bare chest, until the reality of what had just happened sunk on both of them. John pulled her apart a little, pulled his pants on again, and looked down, a very embarrassed look on his face.

\- Anna… I… I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, this is so not what I had planned when I invited you over.

Anna chuckled and put a soothing hand on his arm.

\- John. I initiated it. Don’t be sorry. You didn't take advantage of me. If anything, it’s me who took advantage of you.

\- Oh, I was willing, he replied quickly with a crooked smile.

\- See. So we were both willing. No hard feelings. I hadn’t planned this either, mind, but it did feel good. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve done this.

\- Oh, me too. Very long time. And it did feel good too. Very.

Both of them busied for a while, getting their clothes back silently.

\- Might I use your bathroom? asked Anna gingerly.

\- Oh, yes sure, it’s the second door to the left, that way, showed John with a hand gesture.

While Anna was away, and when he had dressed himself up again, John put both his hands flat on the table, and inhaled sharply. This had happened so quickly, he still had a hard time realizing he had just had sex with Anna. He breathed in and out deeply a few times, trying to slow his racing heart down. He hoped this would not ruin the friendship they had enjoyed for the last months.

After a few minutes, Anna came back, having freshened up and neatly redone her hair, that had been rather messed up in the proceedings. As she walked back near him, he looked at her, somewhat uncertainly.

\- So…, he started

\- So? repeated Anna. So what?

\- So… What are we now? Where do we stand?

Anna looked back at him, seeming a little confused. He felt the need to clarify:

\- I mean, what just happened… surely that changes things a little between us? Am I wrong?

Anna pouted. She had always said she wasn’t looking for a relationship, and she still wasn’t. Yet she did not regret what they had just done, and she didn’t want to lose the friendship she had with John either.

\- Well, maybe it doesn’t have to… Change things I mean. You ask what we are now. Well, maybe we’re friends, who happen to have sex once in a while. Like, friends with benefits, you know? Two consenting adults, cheering each other up throughout those shitty times? Would that suit you?

\- Er…, hesitated John.

Anna looked straight in his eyes:

\- Look, I’m sorry but this is all I have to offer you right now. I’m not looking for a boyfriend or a life partner. But I like having you as a friend, and what we just did was very nice. I can’t give you more. So, if you feel this is not what you want, I’ll understand, but then we’ll have to end it right now, before anyone gets seriously hurt.

The thought of ending things completely between them filled John with dread.

\- No, no, sounds good to me. Friends with benefits it is then.

\- Good. And let’s make a promise to each other.

\- Which one?

\- That we won’t fall in love.

\- Oh. Right. Deal.

\- Deal.

Anna extended her hand and he took it, and they shook on it. Then John looked at his watch:

\- What time do you need to pick up Timmy?

\- Half past three.

\- Oh, then we still have time for piano playing. If you’d like, of course.

\- Yes, sure, I mean, that’s why I came here in the first place… Before we got…

\- Distracted?

\- Carried away.

They both laughed, and he showed her to the piano.

***

Later that night, Anna was thinking back on her day. She was rather satisfied of her progress in playing the Moonlight Sonata. Although her fingers had been unsure and more than a bit shaky at first, she had managed to play without breaking down, thanks to John’s quiet and soothing presence. Then she thought back over their intercourse, and the conversation that had followed. He had seemed open to some more commitment. She shrugged at the thought of it. All her adult life, she had been determined in staying independent and not getting entangled with men. She had decided more than ten years ago that conjugal life was not meant for her. Memories of her mother, chocked under the iron rule of her father still haunted her. No, she would not get herself into that kind of trap, ever. Of course, if she was to be honest, she had to admit that she had around her examples of happy couples. Mary and Matthew were happy together, Sybil and Tom were too. Even the Carsons, though in an old-fashioned way, seemed to be. Granted, John seemed to be nothing like her father. But the fear to find herself locked in a golden prison like her mother had been was still stronger.

In his own flat, John still felt a little stunned about how the day had unfolded. But he was glad they had been able to go on and play without any awkwardness creeping between the two of them. Now, in the evening, alone in his flat, he couldn’t help wondering if he could really keep the promise he had just made. The fear of losing Anna entirely had compelled him to commit to something he was not sure he could honour.


	14. Chapter 14

_**July 2020** _

Anna looked up to John, with a dazed smile on her face, and stated firmly:

\- Well, M. Bates… I must say… you’re good at this!

John could only laugh before he answered:

\- Well, Ms Smith, I’m glad to hear it. You’re not so bad either.

They lay side by side on John’s couch, in the aftermath of their second “benefit” session, about a week after their first hasty encounter. John had said that their first time had been like a quickly-eaten fast-food, meant to fill a craving, but this time he wanted to offer Anna a full-course gastronomic meal. And he had delivered on his promise. Time had been taken to make the most of it, slowly.

\- Gastronomic, that’s about the right term, said Anna playfully. I don’t think any man has ever made me come twice during the same intercourse. Not that I have had so many partners, she quickly added, her cheeks reddening a bit. But none compared to that.

\- Oh yeah? How many were there then? Just so I know how many I’ve beaten, he asked, interested.

Anna thought for a while:

\- Only three actually. And they were all short-lived stories. And you?

John was more than a decade older than her, so she reckoned he must have had more partners, especially since he had been divorced for several years now.

\- Er… Only two, if I have to be honest.

\- Really?

\- Yes. I had a high-school and college sweetheart when I was very young. Then we drifted away, then there was Vera. I stayed with her for almost fifteen years, not the best of my life, and since her, there had been no one else until last week.

\- Oh. So when you said the other day it had been a really long time, it was a really long time.

\- I guess. I’ve been divorced from her for five years, and I think we had not been together for at least three years before that.

\- Wow.

\- And you? You said it had been a long time too.

\- Actually, only one time since Timmy’s birth. About three years ago I’d say. It was not unforgettable.

Anna got up from the couch and started to put her clothes back on.

\- So… Thank you, I guess, for being such a considerate partner.

\- My pleasure, replied John, searching for his clothes too.

As they were both getting dressed again, he said:

\- Hey, I’ve a question for you.

\- Yes?

\- Would you come with me to Scotland in two weeks? Since you told me last time you had no particular plans for your holidays, I figured it might be fun.

\- Like, disposing of your mother’s ashes is your idea of a fun holiday?

He chuckled.

\- Yeah, no, that’s not what I meant. But we could take a few days, do some sight-seeing. You’ve never been to Scotland, you said.

\- That’s true. It _could_ be fun, really. I will have to see if Charles and Elsie would be willing to take Timmy for a few days. He’ll be on summer break at the end of next week.

\- So, you’d like to come?

\- As friends? she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

\- Of course, as friends.

\- With benefits? she asked again, with a crooked smile.

\- The benefit’s available to you anytime you want, he said with a wink.

\- Alright then. I’ll come. If I can arrange Timmy’s care of course. I’ll tell you as soon as I can.

***

Later that day, Anna and Mary had agreed to meet after school in the park. As the children were running around, the two women walked leisurely. Since they had met, Mary kept shooting curious glances to her friend, whom she figured seemed to have a something different about her, and a new spring in her step. As she was wondering what it was, Anna’s voice cut through her reverie:

\- I’m sorry, what was that? asked Mary.

\- Why the hell are you staring at me like this?

\- I don’t know, there’s something about you, a change… I can’t quite put my finger on it. Has something happened to you lately?

Anna frowned, a bit embarrassed. She had not told Mary about the latest development between her and John, because she knew she would never hear the end of it if she did.

\- I don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s nothing about me.

\- Oh, there is.

Suddenly an idea struck the brunette:

\- Have you got laid?!

\- Mary! For heaven’s sake! We’re in a public place!

Anna’s cheeks were now scarlet, and the truth was quite obvious.

\- That’s it! I knew it, you look like a girl who just had good sex!

\- Mary, for the love of God stop it!

Anna looked like she wanted to disappear. She kept looking around, ensuring that no one was over-hearing their not-quite-discreet conversation.

\- Who? asked Mary pointedly.

Anna only looked down, blushing more than ever. Mary gasped, whispering urgently:

\- Oh my God, you’ve slept with John Bates?!

\- Alright I call myself defeated, she admitted, I can really hide nothing from you.

\- So, you did sleep with John Bates!

\- Technically, it was not night-time, and we definitely didn’t “sleep”.

\- How many times?!

\- Twice. So far.

\- But that’s great! I’m so happy for you! At last you’re giving up your stupid “no-date” diet.

\- Ahahah Mary, said Anna, holding her hands up in warning. John and I have made a deal.

\- What kind of deal? asked Mary, concerned.

\- We’re friends with benefit. No dating.

Mary stopped walking and turned around to look at her friend, hands on her hips, stunned.

\- Anna May Smith, you are one unbelievably pig-headed girl.

\- Mary Crawley, answered Anna a bit more heatedly, will you stop trying to lead my personal life for me, and let me make my own choices?!

\- Alright, alright, make your own choices. Or rather your own mistakes, I’d say. I won’t try and interfere again.

\- Thank you very much, stated Anna strongly.

\- You’re welcome. But the last thing I’ll say is that in my opinion, there never was a more ill-fated promise.

***

Two weeks later, Anna left Timmy to the Carsons for a few days, and she and John left for their road-trip to Scotland. They had decided to stop first in Edinburgh, do a quick tour of the city, then drive up north to Inverness, where Margaret Bates’s family ties lay. Anna had insisted that John booked two separate rooms for them in the bed-and-breakfasts where they would be staying. John had not protested. So, on a crisp end-of-July morning, they met in Anna’s building’s parking lot, and departed for Scotland in John’s car.

\- Do you drive, by the way? asked John, since he knew that Anna had no car.

\- I have a driver’s license, but I seldom drive. Sometimes I have rented cars to take Timmy on holiday, but mainly we take the train. Will you want to share the drive?

\- As you like. I don’t mind driving the whole way. It’s only four hours to Edinburgh.

\- I’d rather admire the landscapes then. I wouldn’t want to scratch your car.

They took the highway, and started their journey north, alternating silent moments and conversation.

\- Have you always wanted to be a doctor? asked John at one point.

\- I wouldn’t say “always”, but since high school, yes. Once it became clear that the professional musician career my father dreamt of would not happen, it was my goal. I liked all scientific subjects, and I wanted to make myself useful.

\- Were your parents proud of your choice?

\- Hmm, not really. I mean, my mother never got to give her opinion, so who knows, maybe she was. But my father… no. His goal for me, as it had been for Katie before, was to get us married as soon as possible, and settled as modest housewives if possible. The topic of a potential career was not on his mind. To him women were meant to stay at home and raise children. When I said I intended to enrol into med school, at first he agreed, but really because he thought it would be a good way for me to find a husband who would be a future doctor. When I went further and further, and did not come home with a fiancé, he was less thrilled. After my fourth year, he decided it was enough, that the investment was a failure, and that he would not pay any more.

\- Oh. So what did you do?

\- I got a student job and a loan. I worked as a night orderly in a convalescent home.

\- It must have been hard…

\- Others did it before me, she shrugged. I had good friends. Mary and Sybil often invited me to dinner so I could save the money.

\- That’s kind of them. Is this when your father cut ties with you? Because you went on with your studies against his will?

\- No. It’s when I told them I was pregnant and I intended to be as single mother. That was the breaking point to him.

At that moment, the “empty tank” alert biped, and John said:

\- Oh, we’re going to have to stop for gas.

\- Good, because I need a bathroom break, too.

After a short break, they started driving again. John was curious to know more about the circumstances surrounding Timmy’s birth, and why Anna’s parents had cut her off, but she was quicker in asking the next question:

\- I talk a lot about me, what about you? What happened with Vera?

John’s face darkened a bit, and Anna noticed it.

\- If you don’t mind telling me, of course.

\- No, I don’t mind, it’s only fair I told you about me, if you tell me about you. Vera was a manipulative person. You know, what they call narcissistic perversion? She was that kind of person. She had a lot of personal issues. At first I felt bad for her, I thought I could help her overcome her woes. But it turned out I could not. Not only could I not help her, but she inflicted those woes upon me. She hurt me a lot. It was a very toxic relationship, but it took me almost ten years to realize it. I clung for a long time to the hope that I would mend her, or us. But I could not.

\- That’s terrible.

\- I was almost destroyed when I finally broke free from her. My mother, she had judged Vera right from the beginning, and she tried to warn me. But I thought she was biased against her, I didn’t listen to her. In the end, I had to go through it until the near-end, to realize she’d been right from the start. I came back to live with her for a while when I broke up with Vera for good. She didn’t judge me or said “I told you so” or such things. She only took me in and supported me while I licked my wounds. She was an amazing woman.

\- She seemed to be, yes.

Anna noticed the brightness in john’s eyes.

\- You miss her, don’t you?

\- I do. Very much.

\- I’m sorry.

\- It’s alright. It’s in the natural course of things to outlive one’s parents.

\- And your father?

\- He died when I was ten. An aneurysm, or so I was told. Sudden. My mum never recovered. There was never anyone else.

\- And you had no other family? I remember your mother told me you had no siblings. What about her family? Your grand-parents?

\- I never met them. She married my father against her family’s will. She was an outcast after that. That’s why she left Scotland.

\- Oh. That’s funny in a way. She was an outcast because she chose to marry, I was because I chose not to.

\- Yeah. Some people still have a hard time with women making their own choices.

\- You have not?

\- No.

\- Well that’s good to know.

It was mid-afternoon when they arrived in Edinburgh, and settled in their B&B. They were greeted by a very Scottish weather, aka a cold drizzle and fog. Thus they spent the end of the afternoon in the B&B’s lounge, poring over their touristic guide, and organizing their sightseeing for the next day, for which the weather forecast was a bit better. They spent the two next days visiting the city, making the most of it, stopping only for meals in pubs or restaurants. Anna loved the sights and was very interested in all the historical monuments. The evenings found them exhausted from all the walking around, and they didn’t even have the energy to visit one another’s bedroom. On the morning of the third day, they departed north again, towards Inverness. On their way, they made a stop at Midhope Castle, a little west of Edinburgh, that Anna recognized as “Lallybroch”, Jamie Fraser’s home in Outlander. It was a three-hours drive after that, and they got there in the beginning of the afternoon. After checking in at their inn, in a small village outside the city, John suggested they got straight to his mother’s ancestors’ village, Bunachton, situated between the Loch Ness and the Culloden moor.

\- I think I’ll feel better, freer, once it’s over and done with, he said.

\- Alright, I understand.

They drove to Bunachton, and walked through the village, as John looked around for the perfect spot. He found what he was looking for, a wild meadow a little outside the village, not far from the church yard.

\- My mother was a believer, I think she would like to be near the church.

Anna only smiled silently. John walked through the meadow up to the edge of the forest. There, he opened the ashes’ jar and dispersed them. The wind took them away at once. When he was done, John put the jar on the ground, and closed his eyes. Anna understood he was praying, and she stood silently a few feet back. When he opened his eyes again, he crossed himself, and Anna imitated him, even though she was not a believer. He then turned around, and gave her a sad smile. His eyes were red, but he felt better.

\- Alright. I think she will be peaceful here.

\- Yes. It’s a beautiful place.

\- Let’s walk a little bit.

***

When they were back at the inn, they took better possession of their respective rooms. Anna opened the French window in her room, and went out on the balcony. There she noticed that the balcony was going all across the inn’s facade, so that she could knock on John’s own window from the outside. So did she, and he opened up to her.

\- Practical way to sneak up to each other’s room, don’t you think, she teased with a mischievous smile.

\- Indeed. But why would you want to sneak up to my room, Ms Smith, I do wonder, he replied, letting her in.

A while later, as they both came down from the physical exertion, John suggested:

\- Might we go out and find a pub for dinner?

\- Yes. All this exercise has made me hungry, Anna said playfully.

***

The next day, John had planned to take Anna trekking along the Loch Ness, and visit Urquhart Castle. They got on their way at the end of the morning, under a changing sky. It was true that in that country, you could see the four seasons all in one day. They spent a very enjoyable day, and both John and Anna found the trek in the moors refreshing and mind-cleansing. The weather had improved during the day, and the late afternoon was warm enough, so that they found themselves sitting in lounge chairs on the inn terrace, enjoying cold beers. The late July sun was playing hide-and-seek with white fluffy clouds.

\- May I ask you something? started John suddenly.

\- Hmm? replied Anna, looking up to him.

\- I mean, it’s a rather personal question, so feel free to tell me off if I’m being pushy, but I’d really like to know.

\- Yes?

\- You never told me about Timmy… I mean… how he came to be. About his father.

\- I told you, there’s no father.

\- Yes, I get that, but I guess you’re not the Holy Virgin Mary, or am I mistaken? So there must have been at least a genitor at some point?

Anna smiled.

\- There was, yes. There’s nothing much to tell really. A drunken one-night stand is what it was. I heard the guy had moved away to New-Zealand about a week before I found out I was pregnant, so I didn’t go after him to let him know. I decided to have and raise that baby by myself.

\- Alright…

John kept eyeing her curiously, until Anna noticed.

\- What?

\- I don’t know, I guess I didn’t see you as a “drunken one-night-stand” kind of woman.

\- I was so drunk I actually don’t remember anything about the night. I couldn’t event tell you if the guy was good.

John chuckled.

\- I’m having a hard time picturing you binge-drinking enough to pass out like that. You seem more like someone who’d keep control at all point to me.

\- Well, what can I say. Apparently not. Do you think less of me for it?

\- Of course not Anna. We’ve all done stupid things in our lives. I’m not in a position to judge anyone after my own mistakes with Vera. And in the end you got your lovely son, so I guess you don’t regret it that much?

\- You’re right. I got blessed for behaving recklessly. Strange isn’t it.

\- Did you at least remember the bloke’s name?

\- I did. His name was Alex Green.

Later that night, in her room, Anna couldn’t stop thinking about John’s words. He was right, she was not a binge-drinking kind of person. It was weird, come to think of it, she did not remember drinking that much on that particular night.


	15. Chapter 15

_**August 2014** _

_The music was loud in the night club and it was hard to hear one another’s voice. Nightclubs were not Anna’s favourite places, but after a group dinner at the pub, Thomas had insisted they prolonged the evening in this fancy club. It was his birthday after all, so she had followed the group. There were about a dozen of them, Thomas and his boyfriend Richard, Sybil, William and several other friends from med school. One more reason Anna had to stick with the group was that Richard was the only car owner and was supposed to drive her back home. They had settled around a large table and ordered a first round of drinks. She lifted her beer with everyone when they cheered once again to Thomas. She had only had one previous beer at the pub with dinner, and her mind was clear._

_During the evening, they had been going back and forth between the dance-floor and their table. Thomas was drinking a bit too much, but damned, he was the birthday boy, he was entitled to it. Richard kept sober, taking his driver’s responsibility seriously. At some point in the evening, a group of Richard’s friends had joined them. Some hazel-haired bloke, rather good-looking, came to sit next to Anna._

_\- Hey, I’m Alex. What’s your name?_

_\- I’m Anna._

_\- Hi Anna, said the man, holding his hand out to her._

_She_ _took it and shook it, in a good-natured manner._

_\- You’re Richard’s friend then?_

_They had to almost shout to hear one_ _another._ _Anna did not like it very much._

_\- Yeah, we’re work pals. And you?_

_\- I’m in med school with Thomas._

_\- Oh, fancy. How many years left?_

_\- Only one actually._

_\- Nice._

_Anna sipped from her cocktail, while Alex drank from his beer. They chatted for a little while, before Alice, one of Anna’s and Thomas’s friends, grabbed Anna’s sleeve and pulled her back to the dance-floor. Anna came across Alex a few more times during the course of the evening. He always seemed to have something witty to say. There might have been a hint of flirting in his manners, but Anna chose to overlook it. She was not looking for anything like that. Around one a.m., she grew tired of the deafening noise, and decided_ _she wanted to go home. Unfortunately, Richard and Thomas were nowhere in sight. She looked around for them, but didn’t find them anywhere. It was hard to spot someone in the tight crowd gathered around the club. She then decided to call a cab, despite what it would cost her, and she was waiting in line at the cloak-room to get her things back, when Alex came up to her:_

_\- Oh, are you leaving?_

_\- Yes, I’ve had enough of an earful. I’ll take a cab home._

_\- Do you want a ride? My car is just outside. I promise I’m not drunk._

_Anna hesitated for a moment. Should she trust the guy? He was looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer._

_\- Er… Let me make things clear, you’re not coming into my apartment. It’s only a ride home._

_\- Oh, of course, I didn’t mean anything more._

_\- …_ _Alright_ _then. Thank you._

_\- Let me just go and tell my friends I’m leaving. I’ll be back in a minute._

_\- OK._

_Two minutes later, Alex_ _was back_ _,_ _holding_ _two tequila shots._

_\- Well, he smiled, they were having a tequila shots’ round, so I figured… one last for the ride?_

_Anna looked at him, and shrugged:_

_\- Yeah, why not…_

_She held her hand out to take the small glass he was holding in his right hand. Before she could grab it, he firmly handed out the other one to her._

_\- Don’t take that one, I already drank in it._

_Anna took the other one, and they both gulped down the shot simultaneously._

_\- Let’s go now?_

***

_**July 2020** _

Alone in her bed, Anna suddenly sat up straight and inhaled sharply, clasping her hand on her mouth. Almost six years later, she suddenly realized what had happened. Of course, she told herself. How stupid of her, accepting that shot, offered by a man she barely knew. The amount of drink had never been the real problem, but rather what he must have put it in! She suddenly found it hard to breathe, and though she was going to be sick. That explained why she had woken up the next morning naked in her bed, alone, with no memory of getting back inside. She never slept naked. She had found her clothes in a puddle on the floor next to the bed, when she always let them on the chair. Her shoes had been lying next to the clothes, when she always put them off in the hallway. Her purse had been left on the kitchen table, with her flat keys, when it was not their usual place either. Nothing had felt right that morning, and she had put it all on alcohol, but there had been more than that. She had deduced that she had had sex with Alex, although she didn’t remember any of it, only because of the strange soreness she had felt on her intimate parts, and because she had found a half-dried sticky substance on her thighs. How could she have been so foolish. Of course she had not been just “drunk”. Nausea rose into her, and she quickly got up, opened the French window and went out to the balcony. She took a deep gulp of fresh night air, while tears spilled out on her cheeks.

\- YOU BASTARD GREEN!

What she had intended to be a whisper had instead come out as a yell. As she hid her face in her hands, she heard John’s window opening, and she felt his presence joining her on the balcony.

\- Anna? Are you alright? I thought I heard some noise… Did you yell?

He came near her and noticed she was crying. He put a gentle hand on her shoulder and asked:

\- Anna? What’s the matter?

She turned around to face him, and could do nothing else but hide her face in his chest and sob. He awkwardly closed his arms around her, and patiently waited. When her shoulders stopped shaking, he led her back to some chairs standing on the balcony, and they both sat. He took her hands in his, and said softly:

\- Whenever you’re ready.

She took in a shaky breath, and wiped her cheeks with her sleeve, before putting her hand back into John’s.

\- I was thinking over what we discussed earlier. About what you said… Me not being the binge-drinking kind. You were right. Then I suddenly remembered something.

***

\- That bastard! concluded John when Anna had told him the real story. Anna I’m so sorry I brought that up, this is my fault. I really should stop asking you questions.

\- No John. It would have come back sooner or later.

\- He’d better not cross my path ever or there will be some serious ass-kicking!

\- He lives in New-Zealand...

\- Well good for him, he replied heatedly.

He paused for a moment, and squeezed her hand a bit tighter.

\- Would you have gone to the police, had you remembered sooner? I guess there’s no point now, six years later…

Anna thought for a moment.

\- Hmm, probably not. I had no proof of anything. It would have been a lost cause from the beginning. And especially with Timmy. If I had sued him, he would have known about Timmy. I would have lost, ruined my reputation and lost a lot of money. And he would have been able to claim rights to Timmy and I would never let that happen. I’d rather live with that secret forever. Which is what I’ll have to do now I guess.

\- Well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you shared it with me. I can help you bear it, if you should need it.

Anna smiled in the dim light coming from John’s room.

\- Thank you John. You’re a good friend.

Anna settled her head on his shoulder and his arm circled her own shoulders. They stayed like that, silent, motionless, for a long while. At last, Anna stirred.

\- It’s getting cold... she said, shivering.

She turned to face John, an unsure look on her face:

\- Er, John… would you mind if I slept with you in your room tonight? I don’t feel up to being alone.

\- Oh, right, sure. No problem.

He didn’t point out that it was her who had insisted they had separate rooms. He would have been happy to share her bed every night. But he was clever enough to sense that it was not the right time to bring that up.

***

Anna woke up the next morning feeling badly hungover, though once more not from alcohol. She crunched her eyes against the light coming from the window. She felt a bit lost, and it took her a little time to remember all they had said the night before. A heavy weigh sunk into her stomach when she realized why she was there in John’s room and not in hers. She turned around to John’s side, and found him awake, looking at her with a concerned look on his face.

\- Hi, he said softly.

\- Hello, she moaned.

\- Are you alright? he asked.

She did not answer right away. She didn’t really know what to answer. She finally sighed and said:

\- I am. I will be. I have to. I mean, nothing’s different this morning than it was yesterday.

\- That’s true, but your understanding of things is different. It’s alright for you to feel bad about it. Even if it happened a long time ago.

\- Yeah. Well, no point dwelling on it, she shrugged. As you just said, it’s well in the past. I’ll go and take a shower in my room.

And she started to get out of the bed valiantly. Before she got to the door though, she suddenly broke into tears and turned back. John hastily got up from the bed himself, and walked to her:

\- Anna…

\- Will you just hold me please, for a moment, she managed between two sobs.

\- Of course, come here.

John took her into a gentle embrace, and just like he had done the night before, patiently waited for her to stop crying.

\- Alright, let it out, it’s better outside than inside.

After a moment, she sniffed and disengaged from his hold.

\- Thank you. I feel better. I’ll be OK. I do need to take a shower now.

\- Fine. Let’s meet downstairs for breakfast?

\- Sure. In twenty minutes?

\- Alright.

***

Twenty minutes later, Anna appeared in the inn lobby, a bright smile on her face. John looked at her expectantly, surprised by this notable change of demeanour.

\- I have decided not to let this spoil the end of our vacation, she declared firmly. I was having a very good time until now, and I intend to continue. What are we doing today?

\- Er, right, said John, a little taken aback. I was thinking of going to visit Culloden moor and the Culloden battlefield Museum. Not the happiest of topics though, we can change plans if you’d prefer.

\- No, no, let’s do it.

So, after eating a hearty breakfast, they drove to Culloden, and visited the historical site. Anna had never heard of it before watching Outlander, or maybe vaguely in some ancient History class when she was at school. The atmosphere on the old battlefield was grave and people spontaneously kept their voices low. The stones with the clans names carved on them made them feel quite emotional. When they were done with the visit, John and Anna drove all the way to the Highlands Folk Museum, about an hour away. Anna kept silent for most of the drive, and John had to refrain himself from asking her if she was alright, because he felt it would only annoy her. At one point, she suddenly said:

\- I’d like to call the Carsons and talk to Timmy.

\- Yes, sure, replied John. Do you want me to stop?

\- No, keep driving.

She launched a video call with Elsie’s phone, after having sent a text to check if they were available. She talked to Elsie for a bit, then to Timmy, who seemed happy and not to miss his mum too much. Charles and Elsie had taken him to a zoo the day before, and he went on telling his mother about all the animals he had seen. Anna listened with a bright smile, until they said goodbye. She hung up the phone, and John noticed her discreetly wiping a tear from her eye. He wanted to put a hand on her knee and reassure her, but he didn’t. From the day they had sealed their “friends with benefits” agreement, they had settled into a rhythm where they regularly shared well-delimited intimate moments, but did not exchange any tender gestures outside of those moments. There was no holding hands, no kisses exchanged, no meaningful touches, except those that Anna had needed the previous night and that morning. So he felt he wasn’t entitled to do more, and that it would be overstepping her boundaries. He could only try and show her that he was safe, and respect her timing and needs. And hope that in time, when she was ready, she would allow him to love her.


	16. Chapter 16

_**July-** _ _**september** _ _**2020** _

After having hung up with her son, Anna sighed, looking through the car’s window.

\- Blessed be the Carsons really. They’ve always taken care of him like he was their real grandson. I’m so lucky to have them.

\- And… your parents have really never seen him? Not once?

\- No. I don’t even know their current address. My father made it very clear he didn’t want anything to do with an illegitimate grandchild. They don’t even know he’s a boy in fact, I think.

\- Wow. I’m having a hard time believing that. Some people really stayed stuck a hundred years in the past. I mean, from what you told me already, I had gathered he was not the most open-minded person, but still.

\- You know I told you he was a very religious person. And not in a good way, you know what I mean? Not the type who thinks that God is Love and Forgiveness. To him, having a child out of wedlock was a deep shame on the family. He would rather shut me out completely than have his fellow churchgoers think he condoned such loose behaviour from me. When I told them I was pregnant, first he tried to force me to go after the guy and ask him to marry me.

Knowing what they knew now about how things had happened, they both felt nauseous at that thought. Not that a man like Green would have wanted to deal with the consequences of his actions anyway.

\- Urgh… said John.

\- Anyway, I knew he had moved away, and moreover I didn’t want anything to do with him, so. When my father understood that I would not be forced into marriage, he changed strategy and tried to convince me to have an abortion.

\- What?! exclaimed John. I mean, he quickly added, I really have nothing against women having that choice, but if you had decided to keep the baby, what the hell telling you that?!

\- Exactly. I was really shocked. Especially coming from him! To be honest, when I found out I was pregnant, and I had not finished my studies and everything, I did consider it. But I made my mind against it, and when I went to talk to them, I had come round and my decision was clear. Hearing him pushing me into committing what, I remind you, was one of the gravest sins in the eyes of his own Church, all for the sake of keeping the facade for him, that made me really angry. I called him a filthy hypocrite.

\- And right you were.

\- Then he lost it and threw me out the door, told me he never wanted to hear from me again, and didn’t care to know this child.

\- Wow. I really feel like I’m listening to a story from the 1920s…

\- Yeah he would have fitted well I think, she said, chuckling dryly.

\- And where did the Carsons came in into that situation?

\- Oh, they were friends of my parents’ ever since I was a child. They used to go to the same church, before my father turned to a more… fundamentalist one, if I shall put it that way. We had always liked each other, and they had no child of their own, so they were always like an uncle and aunt to me. So when the parting happened between me and my parents, they welcomed me.

\- And… what about your mother? She seems… absent in your story.

\- Well, to be true, she was, sort of. She was completely under my father’s rule you see. She was like a ghost really. I don’t know what she thought, if she would have liked to keep in touch with me. She did not dare go against his will, she never has. When my father turned me away, the Carsons stood by my side, my mother did not.

\- That’s sad. For her as well as for you.

\- Yeah.

Anna sighed, and after a few seconds silence, she went on:

\- Anyway, I’ve made it through quite well I think.

\- That you have, he agreed. A successful career, a lovely little boy. You should be proud of yourself.

Anna smiled.

\- That’s nice of you to say that.

\- I really think it.

***

Mary and Anna were lounging on their beach towels, watching George and Timmy run around and play on the beach. When Mary had known that Anna was going away alone with John, she had not commented. It seemed she had understood pushing her friend would only be counter-productive. When John and Anna had come back from their Scottish trip, Anna still had a week off, so Mary suggested she and Timmy come with her family to the beach house they had rented in Cornwall. Her friend had accepted her offer gladly, and since then they were spending a good part of their days on the beach, or walking around the Cornish cliffs. Anna had assured Mary that she had spent a very nice time in Scotland with John, but Mary had noticed a new shadow in Anna’s eyes, and some moments when her blond friend fell silent and seemed lost in her thoughts. It was one of those moments right now. Rubbing her six-months-pregnant belly, Mary asked:

\- Anna? Are you alright? Only, you’ve been very quiet lately. Has Bates misbehaved in Scotland?

\- What? No! Not at all, answered Anna, startled from her thoughts. No, I’m alright, really.

Mary lifted herself with difficulty to a sitting position.

\- Gosh I hate the third trimester. I already feel like a whale, and I have another two and half months to go.

Anna smiled. When she was finally sitting, Mary turned to her, looking straight into her eyes.

\- Anna Smith, don’t you think we’re past the point when you think you can fool me? There’s something and I know it.

Anna looked down and sighed.

\- I guess you’re right. Anyway it’s best I tell you. We talked a lot with John, during that trip. And at one point he asked me about Timmy’s conception.

\- Yeah? So?

\- Well I told him the truth. Or, rather, what I thought was the truth until that day.

Mary frowned.

\- What do you mean?

\- You know, that I was drunk and didn't remember the night. John pointed out that he didn’t see me as someone who would get that drunk, and it triggered a particular memory back. He was right. I was not drunk.

Mary was looking at her with a horrified look as Anna finished telling her the truth she had worked out.

\- Oh my God, breathed the brunette. Anna, I’m so sorry.

She reached for her friend’s hand and squeezed it.

\- What an appalling man! she exclaimed.

\- Yeah. Well. It’s long gone now, I’ll be alright. I just… you know… need a little time to get over it.

\- Well sure you do. So… does Bates know then?

\- He does. I broke down in front of him… He’s been a great support. He really is an amazing friend.

\- Well I’m glad of that at least.

\- Yeah. Me too.

***

At the end of her vacation week with the Crawleys, Anna thought she felt better, and was starting to put all that story back deep into her mind, where it had been resting for the last six years. She went back to work at the beginning of August, while Timmy was still on summer break. News from the Covid front were mixed, as some restrictions were eased in public places and public transports, but local surges of cases had lead to enforce stricter measures, and notably in parts of Yorkshire. York hospital was nowhere near as overwhelmed as it had been in April and May, but doctors looked at the upcoming months with worry. Beside her ICU shifts, Anna was still meeting John frequently. On a hot afternoon at the end of August, they had met in the park with Timmy. They were walking around, quietly chatting, while Timmy rode his bike. At one point, the boy stopped in front of his mother, asking for water. Anna handed him the bottle she was keeping in her bag. When he was done drinking, she took the bottle back, and brought it to her own mouth to drink too. While she was in the middle of that, the boy looked at John and said bluntly:

\- Will you marry my Mummy?

The next gulp of water never made it down to Anna’s stomach, as she choked on it and started coughing her lungs out, in her elbow of course. John couldn’t help but laugh, but started gently patting her back, until the coughing finally receded.

\- Are you OK Anna?

As she took in a deep breath of air, she nodded, her eyes watery. She was completely red-faced, although it was hard to tell if it was from the choking or from Timmy’s question.

\- Timmy! she scolded. What kind of question is that! You don’t ask people such things!

\- Why? asked the boy innocently.

\- Well… because… hesitated Anna.

\- George says it’s not normal I don’t have a dad!

\- What?! Now I’ll have to talk to Mary about what her son tells you! Now, come sit.

Anna took Timmy’s hand and led him to the nearest bench. John held the bike and stood a few feet away, trying not to interfere into their mother-to-son talk. He had his own answer he would have liked to give, but he knew he wasn’t asked to.

\- Timmy sweetheart, started Anna, there are plenty of kids who don’t have a dad. Some kids have a mum and a dad, some have just a mum, some have just a dad. Some even have two mums or two dads.

\- Oh, yeah, I know, cut the boy, Ashley at school, she has two mummies.

\- See. There are plenty of different types of families. You’ll have to teach George about that.

\- OK… acknowledged Timmy. So you won’t marry John?

Anna chuckled, shooting a side glance to John, who was still pretending not to hear.

\- No sweetie… John is a good friend, that’s all.

John continued to feign indifference, but still he felt a little twinge in his chest. The boy too looked slightly disappointed, but Anna found an efficient way to distract him:

\- Hey, would you like an ice-cream?

\- Oh, yay, strawberry, exclaimed Timmy.

They got up and walked down to the ice-cream parlour.

\- So, started John breezily, no wedding for us then?

Anna punched him playfully on his arm:

\- Stop it, please. Jesus, kids…

\- I find them so funny at that age, when they don’t have that social filter yet. So much potential for awkwardness.

Both laughed good-heartedly.

That night, when Timmy was asleep, she sat on the edge of his bed, gently stroking the blond locks out of his face. So her son missed a father it seemed. She sighed at that thought. She had always felt sufficient in fulfilling Timmy’s emotional needs. She had surrounded herself with a makeshift family, offering him surrogate grand-parents, and the Crawleys acting as aunt and uncle and cousin. She had thought it would be enough to satisfy him. And maybe it still was. After all his question had only come from George’s remark, he had never mentioned it before. Yes, she reassured herself, it was only circumstantial. He would move on as kids do. Then her thoughts went to John. He hadn’t seemed horrified or even startled as she had been at the boy’s questioning. Once more she wondered if he wasn’t hoping to get something more out of their relationship than friendship, even with the physical gratifications. She had made herself clear though, and he had agreed to it. He was now a very dear friend to her, and she could no longer imagine her life without him in it. And he surely was good at what Mary had called “bedroom fun”. After all, weren’t a deep friendship and physical compatibility good foundations to a successful relationship? Anna shrugged though, and chased that thought as soon as it had crept into her mind. She had made a vow to herself some years before, and she was not yet ready to give up on her self-imposed no-commitment rule. To put her mind off the subject, she decided to settle at her piano for the evening. She could play with a headphone so as not to wake Timmy up. She had made great progress on the Moonlight Sonata, and now managed to play it on her own, after several sessions with John. After having played it for a few times without flinching, she decided to record herself and send it to John. When she was satisfied, she downloaded the sound file onto their Whatsapp thread.

“ _Good evening John. I’m sorry there’ll be no wedding, but at least, you can listen to me playing the Sonata, on my own. I’m proud, and very grateful for your help.”_

She went to her bedroom and started getting ready for the night, until John answer’s came in.

“ _Great! Very nice interpretation. I’m very proud of you too. And glad to have been able to help you with it. Goodnight Anna”_

“ _Goodnight John”_

She noticed he had not mentioned the wedding joke she had made.

***

September came, and with it, Timmy’s entering primary school. Anna had managed to keep that day off to be with him on his first day, and she did shed the traditional tear at seeing her baby going into his class in his brand-new uniform. She was glad Mary was there with her, as she accompanied George into his Year 2 class. When the two kids had disappeared into the school, Mary turned to her friend, her now seven-months belly more and more bulging:

\- So, do you want to grab a coffee?

\- Yeah, why not, I need to gather myself from all this motherly pride and despair, smiled Anna.

Her friend chuckled in response, and they started walking to the nearest coffee shop. When they had gotten their orders at the desk, they sat on the terrace. Anna started:

\- I heard Sybil is waiting for a PCR result, have you had news from her?

\- Yeah, she’s fine apparently, only has mild cold symptoms, and a headache. I wondered how long it would take her to catch it, working in it since last March…

\- You haven’t seen her lately?

\- Last time I saw her was a week ago, and outdoors, so I think it’ll be alright. What about you, should we avoid seeing each other too?

\- Erm. Well I don’t work in a Covid unit right now. All my patients are tested on their admission, and moved to a Covid ward if they are found positive, so I guess my risk is quite low at the moment. But if this should change, and I had to go back to Covid ICU, surely I would stop seeing you, what with you being in your third trimester. Late pregnancy is a risk-factor.

\- Well. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

That night, Anna called Sybil:

\- Hey Sybs, so, how are you?

\- Not that bad, only like I have a mild cold really.

\- Have you got your test result?

\- Yep, it’s positive.

\- Shit. Are you on sick leave?

\- No. I’m fit to work, and my patients are already all Covid positive, so nothing worse could happen to either them or me. It’s not like we have so many doctors to spare.

\- OK… How are you managing at home?

\- That’s the hard part… I’m trying to isolate myself in the guest room, but you know kids… They don’t understand, they regularly come barging in to ask for cuddles… Tom is handling it the best he can but it’s complicated. And I’m worried for my parents, because Mama came to look after the kids last week-end. Joshua already had a runny nose, so I hope it wasn’t it already…

\- Oh crap.

\- Yeah. She’s going to get tested in a few days, for safety.

\- Seems wise yes. So, good luck…

\- Thanks, bye.

Anna looked down at her phone, and briefly wondered how she would handle things if she were to catch it. She could not isolate in her room and leave Timmy to care for himself, and she would not be able to let him into anyone else’s care, for fear that he would bring them the germ. She guessed they would only have to isolate together for as long it took for both of them to come out clear, and hope she would not be so sick that she could not care for him.

In the next days, word spread around the hospital that cases were going steadily up, and that it would probably be necessary in the next days or weeks at best to reopen more Covid beds, unless government action managed to flatten the curve. Three days after her call to Sybil, Anna received a text from Mary:

“ _Mama’s positive. Papa’s getting tested tomorrow.”_

Anna felt a cold shiver down her spine. Mary worked with her father virtually everyday, and saw her mother too several times a week. Then another thought hit her square in the chest. John too was seeing them twice a week at the Abbey.


	17. Chapter 17

_**September 2020** _

Anna re-read the text several times, until it finally sunk in. Then she dialled Mary’s number:

\- Yeah, Mary, hi.

\- Hi Anna, said Mary in a wary voice.

\- So, how is your mother?

\- Well, she has quite intense flu-like symptoms since yesterday. Strong headache, muscle pains, high temperature. A lot of vomiting too. She doesn’t seem to be struggling to breathe, for now anyway, but she’s not well.

\- And your father?

\- Nothing. He’s getting tested tomorrow.

\- Alright. When did you see either of them last?

\- Mama, three days ago, two days before she became ill. Papa, two days ago. We were supposed to meet yesterday too, but since Mama was ill, we did not.

\- And did you wear a mask when you saw them?

\- Most of the time, except when we had tea with Papa, but we were sitting quite far apart.

Anna frowned.

\- Well, let’s hope it’ll be enough. How’s Sybil?

\- Physically, she’s alright. Although she feels so bad, she thinks it’s all her fault.

\- Poor thing. I’ll call her. And you… well. We can’t go back in time so let’s just hope you’ve not caught it.

\- Yeah.

\- And try to isolate as much as possible from Matthew and George, until you know.

\- Alright. I’ll keep you posted.

\- Thank you. Good luck. Bye Mary.

Anna hung up and rubbed her eyes nervously. She was worried for Mary, who, being in late pregnancy, was at somewhat high-risk. And for Cora, who was in good health but was over fifty years old, thus fragile too. The thought of having to witness the developments from afar without being able to do anything for them made her feel very helpless. Then she thought of John. She texted him rapidly:

“ _Hey John, have you heard about Cora being ill?”_

He responded quickly:

“ _Yes I know, and Robert told me he was getting tested tomorrow. Don’t worry for me though, I didn’t see Cora at all last week, and each time I saw Robert, we were both masked”_

Anna smiled, as John had foreseen her next question and answered it before she needed to ask it.

“ _Alright. Be careful though. Get yourself tested if you have any symptoms, however mild”_

“ _I will, I promise”_

“ _Does that mean we cannot see each other for the time being?”_ he added.

“ _I’m afraid so”_

His answer was only a crying emoji.

Her next move was to call Sybil.

\- Hey Sybil, how are you girl?

Sybil’s first response was a long sigh.

\- I am utterly mad at myself, that’s how I am! I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let this thing get out and contaminate my whole family! Urgh! I would beat myself for it I swear.

\- Now Sybil, don’t be so harsh on yourself darling. No one’s perfect.

\- If I had not asked Mama to come watch the kids last week-end none of this would have happened!

\- But you had to since you were both working… It’s not as if you did it for fun! It’s been six months now, we can’t expect to keep ourselves in a bubble for so long!

\- You’re right, it’s just…

Sybil’s voice broke at the other end of the line, and Anna felt she was crying.

\- I’m so scared for Mama… and for Mary. You remember that pregnant woman we both cared for last April…

Ann felt she would not be long before she cried too, because she did remember very well the patient Sybil was referring to. It had not ended well. She shrugged that thought off and tried to sound comforting to her friend.

\- Come on Sybs, it’ll be alright. That was a rather extreme case you know that as well as I do. Mary’s fine, and she will probably not even get it.

\- Oh Anna, if anything happens to one of them, or to Papa, I’ll never forgive myself.

\- Hush now. You’re doing the best you can. Stop berating yourself! How much time do you have to stay isolated still?

\- Four days. I’m glad I can go to work at least, it takes my mind off things a little. I’d go mad if I had to stew in this room 24/7.

\- I can understand that, chuckled Anna.

\- Thanks for calling anyway.

\- Not at all. I’ll be in touch. Bye Sybs.

***

Not being able to see neither Mary nor Sybil nor John, Anna found the following week very long. She sent text several times a day to get updates from each person. Sybil ended her isolation time having suffered nothing more serious that a mild cold. Tom, unlikely, did not get it. A week after her positive test, Cora was still experiencing high fever, severe headaches and chest pain, but no respiratory symptoms. Dr Clarkson, her family physician, had checked on her several time, and seemed to think there was nothing more to be done but waiting it out, unfortunately. Robert had tested positive too, but was still asymptomatic. According to Mary, his main problem was going out of his mind with worry about his wife. Four days after she had talked to her for the last time, Anna was cooking dinner for Timmy and herself, when she received a text from her friend. She wiped her hands on a cloth, before checking her phone.

“ _Anna. I can’t smell anything, it’s so weird”_

Anna briefly closed her eyes and kicked the wall in frustration.

\- Shit! she exclaimed.

Sighing, she texted back:

“ _Have you got yourself tested? Do you have any other symptoms?”_

Timmy came in from the living-room, asking:

\- What’s up Mummy? Why you yelled?

Anna nervously shuffled his hair.

\- It’s nothing sweetie.

\- Mummy, can we have George over?

\- Uh, no, not now darling, because George’s mum is ill. He might have the virus.

\- Oh. Is he going to die? he asked candidly.

\- Jesus, no! Don’t worry Timmy, George’ll be fine.

\- OK.

As she tried to reassure her son about his friend, her chest felt tight with worry for her own friend. She tried to focus on not getting dinner burnt when Mary’s answer came:

“ _I’m going tomorrow. No other symptoms yet except maybe a very light headache.”_

“ _OK, keep me up to date please. Matthew and George are OK?”_

“ _Yeah, nothing so far”_

“ _OK good”_

Anna was at work two days later when Mary forwarded her her positive test result. So that was it, no denying it any more. Her seven and a half months pregnant friend was having Covid. Anna hid into the medical office for a few minutes to manage her anxious tears. She tried to reason herself. Sure, pregnancy was a risk factor, but that didn’t mean things _would_ go wrong for Mary. Plenty of pregnant women made it through unharmed. She slowly breathed in and out to calm her racing heart, and went back to work.

***

Four rather uneventful days followed. Mary was no worse, but Cora still had difficulties coming through. The fever was receding a bit, but the tiredness, headaches and chest pains were still heavy. Robert seemed bound to have no symptoms at all. Ten days had gone since Robert’s testing, and John still had experienced no signs of illness. Therefore he and Anna decided it was alright for them to meet again. Unfortunately, for the last month, it had again been forbidden to meet in other people’s home, so they could not meet and be intimate, unless they decided to break the law, or to do it outdoors… Neither solutions seemed appealing to them, so they had had to go back to being “friends with no side benefit” for a few weeks, which was rather frustrating to them. On that day, they had planned to meet and have a takeaway lunch in the park. Once they had collected their orders at Anna’s favourite Indian restaurant, they walked and sat on a bench. As they opened the food cartons, John said:

\- Cora’s having a rough time it seems? Robert’s been beside himself for the last week. Is it supposed to last that long? It’s been more than ten days now and she’s only just getting slightly better…

\- It’s so different from one people to another, it’s maddening. And no way to predict who’s going to get it bad or not. For some people it last up to two weeks, and still, some keep symptoms for several weeks, or even months… We’re starting to see people with chest pains, or shortness of breath, or even general tiredness months after they’ve been infected.

\- Jesus. I hope she gets better soon…

\- Yes, let’s hope.

\- And… what about Mary?

\- Well, she seems fine, to this day anyway. I do hope nothing worse happens.

John quickly turned his head towards Anna as he felt the twinge in her voice. He asked softly:

\- You’re worried for her? Is it more serious for pregnant women?

\- It can be. It’s a risk factor.

Tears were shining on her eyelids. John squeezed her shoulder.

\- I bet she’ll be OK.

\- And since when are you a psychic? she asked dryly.

\- Sorry, that was only wishful thinking, he admitted. You know, I would normally suggest to take you to the bedroom and do my best to make you forget about that for a while, he added arching his brow in a suggestive fashion.

She chuckled.

\- And I would probably follow you and enjoy it very much. Unfortunately it’s forbidden… Unless you’d like to do it behind a bush in the park?

\- Hum, no, this place is too crowded to my taste. I’d rather not end my day at the police station.

Anna laughed.

\- But, he went on, I know of some more secluded places, if needed.

\- M. Bates, are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?

\- Just saying, my car’s just out there, and I know the woods of Downton like my back pocket.

Anna put down her Indian food box and looked straight at John. Their gazes stayed locked for a few seconds, none of them moving, until Anna broke it and whispered:

\- Yeah alright let’s do it.

They quickly scooped their things and rushed to John’s car. They drove silently for about fifteen minutes, until John parked on the side of a dirt road that went deep into the forest around Downton estate.

\- Here we are, Ms Smith, he said. Unless you have changed your mind?

\- I have not, she answered, a little flushed though.

\- Very well.

They got out of the car, and John retrieved a large blanket in the trunk. He held out his hand to her, and said:

\- If you’ll follow me…

She smiled and took the offered hand, and they went further into the woods. After a few minutes’ walk, John guided her down a small mound of earth, and stopped.

\- I think we’ll be fine here.

Anna looked around warily:

\- Are you sure no one can find us?

\- Pretty sure, he smiled. Or are you chickening out?

\- No, no…

John spread the blanket on the ground, and gestured to it:

\- If the lady would do me the honour…

They both sat down on the blanket. Anna looked somewhat shy, and John asked:

\- Are you OK? Don’t you want to do it? It’s fine if you don’t.

\- I want to, it’s just… I think I’ve never done that outdoors, I feel… exposed, she ended, with a little embarrassed laugh. I’m glad I chose to wear a skirt and a shirt today, and not some pants. This way I don’t have to take everything off.

\- Clever, pointed John, tracing her skin along the hem of her shirt, going down into her cleavage, until he met the first button, and undid it. I like shirts and skirts, he said, with a naughty look.

Those were the last words that were spoken for quite some time, as they focused entirely on something else than chatting. When he had finished going down Anna’s shirt buttons, his hand stroked her belly and went around to her side, then her back, and went up to swiftly undo her bra. She giggled, and gasped when his hand came back to her front, crept under her bra to cup her breast and gently massage the freed nipple. He pushed her back to a lying position, and she soon forgot both their outdoor situation and her anxieties.

A while later, as they rested side by side, watching patches of blue sky amidst the tree branches, Anna sighed contentedly:

\- You’re right, endorphins are good to fight anxiety… I didn't think about Mary at all for all this time.

\- Well I hope so, he said. I’d be worried if you thought about your female friend while we’re doing this!

They both laughed.

\- Thank you John, she said. You’re my best anxiolytic. Better than pills.

\- I’m flattered, he said, bowing to her.

Anna quickly checked her watch and said:

\- We should get back though, I’m supposed to pick up Timmy from school in an hour.

***

An hour later, Anna had said goodbye to John and was waiting at the school gate to meet Timmy and walk him home. They had just entered their apartment, and Anna was fixing a snack for her son, when her phone rang. She was surprised and more that a little worried to see Matthew’s incoming number. They rarely spoke directly.

\- Yes, Matthew, hello?

\- Anna, Mary’s not well, I don’t know if I should take her to the hospital or not, I was wondering if you could come?

\- Er, yes, what’s going on?

\- She’s had some high fever since yesterday evening, and now she’s getting more and more breathless.

Anna blood chilled, and she forced herself to remain calm.

\- Alright, let me take my med bag and take Timmy to the Carsons and I’ll be right there.

She hung up quickly and called out to Timmy:

\- Timmy, please put your shoes back on, I’m taking you to Auntie Elsie and Uncle Charles.

\- Why mummy? asked the boy.

\- I need to go see Mary, she’s ill.

About half an hour later, Anna hurriedly parked her bike in the Crawleys front-yard. Before she rung the bell, she took a N95 mask from her bag and adjusted it to her face. Soon Matthew opened the door to her. He was wearing a surgical mask and his blond hair was dishevelled. His eyes were red with worry.

\- Anna thank God, come quick.

As he lead her into their living room, she saw Mary sitting in a chair and bending a little forward, her elbows resting on the table. Her breaths were quick and shallow and she looked exhausted. Anna let her bag fall near the table, and when her eyes met Mary’s, she knew things were serious.

\- Mary, it’s OK, I’m here. Can you talk to me? How long have you been struggling like that?

Her friend tried to answer between her laboured breaths, and it seemed she had been running a marathon.

\- I was… fine… until last night… It’s getting… worse…

\- It’s been getting steadily worse since morning, added Matthew

Anna searched into her bag and retrieved a pulse oxymeter, that she put on Mary’s finger.

\- Will… the baby… she started

\- Hush, Mary, don’t talk. Keep your strength.

She looked down to the oxymeter, that read 85%.

\- Alright, you need oxygen Mary. Matthew please call 999 and ask for an ambulance. And open the windows please.

As Matthew started dialling, she looked back to Mary:

\- Baby will be fine Mary, but we need to take you to the hospital, you need some more oxygen.

A few minutes later, Matthew came back to Anna, looking distressed. He showed her the phone:

\- They say no ambulance is available before at least an hour…

\- No she can’t wait that long! Give me that phone.

She took the phone and started firmly:

\- Hello, Dr Smith, I’m an ICU doctor at the Royal. I have a 33 year-old female, 34 weeks of pregnancy, Covid positive, in acute respiratory distress, I need an ambulance right away!

\- I hear you Doctor, answered the operator, but I’m so very sorry, all our ambulances are out at the moment. I’m putting your patient at the top of the waiting list.

\- Alright, she can’t wait an hour, we’ll take her straight.

She hung up and threw the phone back to Matthew.

\- Get your car out, we’re taking her, we can’t afford to lose an hour waiting for an ambulance.

\- OK.

When Matthew had parked the car in front of the house’s door, he and Anna helped Mary to the car. Anna sat at the rear with her friend while Matthew drove.

\- Be careful Matthew, warned Anna. We don’t need to get in a traffic accident on the top of everything.

She turned to Mary and took her hand, whispering soothing words into her ear while her friend fought for her breaths. Ten minutes later, they were parking into the A&E driveway. Matthew rushed to collect a wheelchair and they hurriedly wheeled Mary into the building. The triage nurse looked up at the sound of their entrance. Anna knew her from the time when she had worked in the emergency room as a student.

\- Hey Keisha, she called urgently, this is my friend Mary Crawley, she’s 34 weeks pregnant and Covid positive. ARDS since this morning, and 85% oxygen saturation.

\- Alright, said Keisha. I’m taking her in to the acute Covid ward right away.

\- Please take good care of her!

\- We will, I promise, answered the nurse as she turned around to wheel Mary in.

Matthew moved to follow her, but she stopped him with a sorrowful look.

\- I’m sorry Sir, no visitors allowed. If you’ll leave your personal informations to the desk, we’ll keep you informed as soon as we know more.

\- But… tried Matthew.

Anna put a hand on his arm:

\- Matthew. You can’t go with her.

\- Let me say goodbye at least, he called after the nurse.

She stopped briefly to allow him to talk to Mary. He took her hand into his and spoke softly:

\- Mary darling, I love you. It’ll be alright. You’ll be better soon.

As the nurse wheeled Mary away, Anna and Matthew were left alone in the A&E hallway. Matthew searched for Anna’s eyes, and asked her, an anguished twist in his voice:

\- She’ll be alright, Anna? Tell me she’s going to be alright.

\- I… she hesitated. I don’t know Matthew. I’m sorry…

Matthew brought his hands to his face, slightly moaning. Anna put a sympathetic hand on his arm, whispering again:

\- I’m sorry…

Both had tears-soaked masks as they walked out of the building.


	18. Chapter 18

_**September 2020** _

Back outside, Matthew and Anna looked at each other, unsure what to do next. Matthew nervously wiped his eyes and stuttered:

\- I… I need to call her parents.

\- Yes, sure. You do that, and I’ll pop up to the third floor and see Sybil. She should still be here.

As Anna walked decidedly into the pneumology ward, in search of Sybil, a young nurse spotted her in her plain clothes and called out after her:

\- Ma’am, please, you can’t be here!

Anna fumbled in her purse and held out her hospital badge to the girl:

\- I’m a doctor here, I’m looking for Dr Crawley, do you know where I might find her?

\- Oh, sorry, I think she’s in her office, said the nurse, pointing down the hall.

\- Thank you.

Anna walked to the medical office and gently knocked on the door.

\- Yes? answered Sybil’s voice.

Anna entered and said softly:

\- Hello Sybil.

\- Anna? What are you doing here, aren’t you off today?

\- I am. I’m just out of the A&E…

\- The A&E? Why?

Anna sighed. She knew Sybil would take the news the hard way, and she didn’t see how she could soften the blow for her. There was no good way to tell such a news.

\- I… I’m sorry Sybil…

\- What?! Who? Is it Mama?

\- No… It’s Mary.

Sybil stood still for a few seconds, and whispered:

\- No… no, no!

And then she yelled:

\- FUCK!

Anna knew it was bad, because Sybil was usually not one to swear. Tears welled in the small brunette’s eyes when she looked back at Anna and asked:

\- How bad is it?

\- Matthew called me so I went to see her at home. She was polypneic, and had an 85% sat. We drove her straight here because no ambulance was available. She’s been taken to the Covid assessment ward, we could not go with her.

\- Jesus… This is all my fault Anna, whispered Sybil before breaking down into sobs.

Forgetting distancing for a short moment, Anna came close and took Sybil into her arms.

\- Now Sybil stop that. It won’t do her any good to beat yourself up.

After a moment, Sybil gathered herself, and grabbed a tissue from the box sitting on her desk to wipe her eyes.

\- Thank you Anna. For being there for her, and for taking charge. You’re a more useful friend than I am a sister.

\- Sybil! replied Anna sternly.

\- I need to go down and see her. Jesus how can I look at her… But I need to talk to the ER doc, see how bad it is.

\- You do that. I have to go back to Matthew, he’s waiting downstairs. He’s calling your parents.

\- Oh Lord, Papa and Mama, they’ll be so devastated.

\- Stay with her and keep us posted right?

\- Yes of course. Thank you so much Anna.

When Anna was back at her apartment, she put all her clothes straight into the washing machine, and went into the shower where she cautiously washed herself including the hair. When all this was done, she looked blankly in front of her, and broke into tears.

\- Please God don’t take Mary away from me and her family…

It was odd she thought, how in time of anguish, one found oneself praying, even though one did not believe in God.

***

An hour later, as Anna had retrieved Timmy from the Carsons, without entering their house, and was getting his dinner ready, a text from Sybil came in:

“ _She’s been stabilized under Optiflow, and moved to ICU. Thomas is her_ _referring_ _physician. Her_ _obstetrician_ _has come to see her too. They’re_ _giving_ _it three hours to see how things go before deciding for an emergency C-sec”_

She quickly answered:

“ _OK. Thanks, keep me posted. Anytime please”_

“ _Sure”_

Anna slowly breathed out. Just as she focused back on dinner, another text came in. It was John:

“ _So, has my “therapy” had lingering effect on_ _your_ _not_ _worrying_ _?”_

A winking emoji came with the text.

Anna’s heart sunk in. In all that frenzy she had totally forgotten to tell John about Mary. She typed back:

“ _Mary’s just been taken to ICU. She might need an emergency C-section”_

Seconds after she sent the text, her phone rang:

\- Jesus Anna, I’m so sorry, I really am the biggest fool!

\- You couldn’t have known John, she said calmly.

\- What happened for God’s sake? I thought she was fine?!

Anna told him how their nicely started afternoon had ended up in nightmare.

\- Good Lord, concluded John. I had no idea it could go that fast! But why the C-section? Is the baby in danger?

\- Not directly, but the baby’s oxygen needs put an added strain on her lungs, so removing it could help her go through it easier. Moreover, one of the means of helping the lungs work at their best capacity is to regularly turn the patient from its back to its front, and obviously you cannot have a seven-months pregnant woman lie on her front.

\- I see. But will the baby be alright? Is it not too soon?

\- She’s at thirty-four weeks. The baby will be a bit premature, but she should make it alright.

\- Pfew… Jesus, Robert must be in a right state. First his wife, now his daughter. I must call him. Will you keep me up to date please?

\- I will.

\- Thank you. Bye Anna.

\- Bye John.

***

Sybil, having recently had Covid, and being Thomas’s friend, had been allowed to stay at Mary's side in the ICU. At ten o’clock, Thomas and Mary’s OBGYN, Dr Turner met again at her bedside to assess the situation. Mary’s oxygen saturation had stabilized, but at the cost of regularly giving her more oxygen thought the Optiflow, and she looked exhausted. Thus the doctors were still worried, and suggested again the emergency C-section. Mary looked at her sister for advice and support. She could hardly speak, but managed:

\- What you think Sybs?

\- I think it’s for the best Mary. Both you and baby will probably fare better separately.

\- I trust you… Do it then, she said looking at Dr Turner. Call Matthew, she asked Sybil.

\- Of course I will. And I’ll be there as soon as you’re back from theatre.

\- Go home Sybil… tried her sister.

\- I’m staying with you, said Sybil stubbornly.

Being still convinced that she was the source of her sister’s misery, Sybil would not accept to leave her alone to face this ordeal. As Mary was wheeled down to the obstetrical operation theatre, Sybil took her phone and called Matthew:

\- Hi Matthew, this is Sybil.

\- Yes Sybil, hi, how’s it going?

\- Well. She’s still in need of oxygen, and more of it as time goes, so along with her ICU doctor and her obstetrician, we have decided to do a C-section and get the baby out. That way her breathing should become easier. And we won’t have to worry about the baby lacking oxygen.

\- Lord, does that mean they’re doing the C-section, like now?

\- Yes they are, she’s just been wheeled down to the operation room.

\- Oh my God, my child is being born six weeks early and I can’t even be with them… How unfair is that!

\- I’m very sorry Matthew. But what you can do, is come by as soon as they’re done, and be with your baby. Since Mary won’t be able to stay with her, you can. She’ll need one parent with her. You can drop George at home with Tom, I’ll call him, he won’t mind.

\- Oh, right, yes. I’ll do that.

\- And I will stay with Mary.

\- Thank you Sybil.

As she hung up, she texted Anna:

“ _Mary’s just been taken down for the C-sec. Her O2 requirements kept going higher”_

Mary would be gone for at least an hour, so Sybil decided to go back to her office down in pneumology, find something to eat and do some work. It was no use going back home and risking bringing the bug to Tom, who by chance had not caught it during the last two weeks.

***

At home, Anna received Sybil’s text and forwarded the information to John. She then tried to go to bed, but had a hard time falling asleep. She couldn’t keep brooding over the situation, thinking about her best friend, being delivered of her baby far too soon, and being forced to be away from her, for her own health as much as for the baby’s safety. This was so not how things were supposed to happen, she thought, shuddering. Anna’s throat felt tight when she realized that she would not be able either to visit her friend nor the baby. When Mary had given birth to George, she had been one of her first visits in her maternity room, and in the followings days had spent as much time as she could spare at her friend’s side, helping taking care of the baby to let Mary rest. Nothing of the sort would happen this time, and it killed her to admit it. She knew it made no sense to feel angry towards a virus, but this was how she felt at the moment. This wretched virus that took so much from people’s lives. Not only lives _per se_ , but also plenty of moments that should have been happy, and were forever lost.

Around two o’clock, her phone buzzed and she jerked awake from the half-sleep she had finally fallen into. She quickly grabbed her phone, and read the text from Matthew. He had sent her a selfie of him in the maternity ward, holding his newborn baby girl skin-to-skin against his bare chest. The baby was tiny and had the smallest oxygen tubes going into her nose, but otherwise she looked peaceful, sleeping against her father’s chest.

“ _Say hello to little Alicia. Just over 4 pounds”_

Anna couldn’t help but smile as tears threatened in her eyes.

“ _She’s gorgeous. Is she alright? And Mary?”_

“ _She’s alright. Pediatrician said the oxygen is for safety, and we will probably be rid of it tomorrow. Now they wait to see if she manages to feed, or if they need to put a feeding tube in her stomach. Had very little news of Mary. I'll check with Sybil, but I’ve been too caught up with the little one”_

“ _Thanks for letting me know Matthew.”_

“ _Of course.”_

Back in the ICU, Sybil was still watching over Mary, who had come back from surgery. Her respiratory status was not worse, but not so much better for the time being. She still could not be laid on her front, since the C-section scar was too fresh. So Sybil and the assistant nurses helped her to turn from one side to the other every half hour. When the assistant nurse had left, Sybil approached Mary and showed her the same picture of Matthew and the baby.

\- Look Mary, Alicia is doing fine, she’s with Matthew.

The shadow of a smile passed on Mary’s pale lips, and she closed her eyes in exhaustion, as a tear ran down her nose.

\- I’m glad, she whispered.

\- Now rest.

Sybil sat in the corner of the room and busied herself in giving news to Matthew, her parents, Tom, her other sister Edith and of course Anna.

***

After that nightmarish night, Mary’s condition got slowly but steadily better. Three days after the C-section, she could be rid of the Optiflow device and put under traditional oxygenotherapy. After one more night under close watch in the ICU, she was moved to the infectious diseases ward, that shared the majority of Covid patients with the pneumology ward. Sybil did not take Mary as her patient, on one hand because she had no available bed at that time, and on the other hand, she also preferred not to be her own sister’s referring doctor. All doctors know that one is a very bad doctor to one’s own family. Mary stayed in the hospital for one more week before she was fit for home release, having stayed for a total of eleven days. Little Alicia had to stay in the neonatology ward for ten days, until she was able to nurse efficiently enough to be released home into her father’s care. Fortunately, the Crawleys were employing a nanny, so he had help in taking care of George and Alicia. Mary would obviously not be able to care for them for some time, and Cora was only just beginning to be able to care for herself. Matthew’s mother Isobel came to help too, as often as her private psychologist’s practice let her.

The day after Mary was released, Anna decided that it was justified to break the law this one time and went to visit her friend. The doctors at the hospital had said that Mary was not infectious any more, but they all wore masks anyway during the time Anna stayed in their house.

\- Hi Matthew, she said when he opened the door for her.

\- Hi Anna, it’s nice to drop by.

Poor Matthew, despite the help he had managed to gather around him, looked downright exhausted. Eleven days worrying and running around between the hospital, George at home and managing his job from afar had taken a visible toll on him. He had dark patches under his eyes, and his blond hair looked very unkempt. When she entered the living-room, following Matthew, Anna was even more shocked to see Mary’s face, so pale and marked, and her body, so much thinner than before (although she was already thin before). She was used to what critical disease and an ICU stay did to a person’s body, but it was another thing to witness it on her best friend.

\- Oh Mary, she cried, I’m so happy to see you again. You scared the hell out of us, you did!

Mary smiled warily.

\- I’ve been rather scared myself, to be honest.

\- How are you feeling?

\- Ah… Like I’ve been ran over by a whole army of tanks? I can only start to walk long enough by myself to navigate from the couch to the bathroom and my bed. It’s like I’m eighty years-old. I hate it.

Anna chuckled. She could imagine that the active and empowered Lady Mary Crawley would not take well her own fragility.

\- You’ll get better soon. Don’t worry. Have you met a physio in hospital?

\- Yes, I have. And Matthew has booked another that will come see me everyday starting tomorrow.

\- Good. Do your homework with him, and you should be on the right track.

Anna turned to the baby, sleeping soundly in the bassinet near the couch. She smiled at the dark hair and the little button nose.

\- Looks like this one has taken more after you, she remarked. How is she doing? Putting on weight?

\- Yes, so the midwife says. She weighed her this morning, she seemed satisfied.

Mary said that in a somewhat indifferent tone, which Anna noticed. She felt something wrong in Mary’s demeanour. She sat near her friend and put her hand on Mary’s.

\- Mary? Are you alright? Do you feel… bad? About the baby?

Mary looked away from Anna, trying to hide her tears, but suddenly her facade crackled, and she sobbed into her hands. Anna handed her a tissue from the coffee table, and waited for her friend to calm herself.

\- What is it Mary? She’s doing fine, you’re going to be fine too.

\- Oh Anna… It’s just… One day she was in my belly, the next she was gone, and I haven’t seen her in ten days. Now I’m back and I have this baby who I barely know, and every one is taking care of her but I can’t do anything! I don’t feel like she’s mine you know? I don’t feel like her mother! I never felt like that with George, I had him in my arms and I just knew he was mine…

\- Mary, hush…

Anna wrapped her arm around Mary’s frail shoulders.

\- Hey, Mary. Come on. You’ve been through hell and back. You almost died for heaven’s sake. Give yourself some time! Of course you barely know her, and she barely knows you. You have to get acquainted to each other, but it’ll come! And sooner than you think I’ll bet. You know, it’s not that rare that a mother or a father doesn’t feel connected to his or her child right away. It happens all the time. And what with all you’ve been through, it’s most understandable really! Don’t worry Mary, she will soon have you wrapped around her little finger.

Mary chuckled in between her tears.

\- Really? You don’t think I’m a bad mother then?

\- Mary! Of course not!

\- Thank you, she whispered, laying her head on her friend’s shoulder.


	19. Chapter 19

_**October 2020** _

A month had passed, and October had come. The weather turned slowly into Autumn, bringing more rain and chill. It became harder to meet people outdoors, and it was still forbidden to meet indoors. Covid cases slowly rose, up to the moment when more Covid units had to be reopened at the hospital. Anna was re-dispatched to a Covid ICU at the beginning of October. She had to cut out again all social contacts, for the few she still had. She was not visiting Mary in her home, since it was forbidden. They had been able to meet a few times in their garden on the last days of good weather at the end of September, but she had not been able to see her for three weeks now. However they talked on the phone almost every day. Mary was slowly getting better physically, with the help of her physio. She was now able to care for her children, and walk for about five minutes straight, and walk two flights of stairs, but she was still not her previous self. Her mental state was also still fragile. Her step-mother Isobel, being a psychologist, often took her into talks, that were like “off the record” therapy sessions. Anna and Sybil were doing their best too to support her remotely. Matthew had cut back on his attorney job temporarily, allowing himself to spend more time with her and the children. Cora was another topic of worry for the Crawley family. Almost a month and a half after the onset of her disease, she was still experiencing debilitating symptoms, mainly headaches, tiredness and chest pains. Anna wondered if she was not having that particular Covid form that doctors knew virtually nothing about but that started to show on many patients, that they called “long Covid”. She was seeing various specialists to check on her, neurologist, cardiologist, internal medicine specialist, who had all concluded that there were symptoms, but they did not know how to treat them, which was very frustrating both to the patient and the doctors.

Anna’s life was almost back to what it had been during the first lockdown, except that Timmy was still at home with her, was still going to school, and that Esther was there to look after him. Anna had one more time tortured herself over what to do with Timmy on her nights and week-ends shifts. She would have liked to avoid contact with the Carsons for their own protection, but she really didn’t have any other solution. She could not afford to pay Esther for that much hours, and the girl would not want to work that much hours anyway. She could obviously not impose Timmy on Mary and Matthew who were already barely coping with their own two kids. So she continued to bring Timmy to the Carsons, somewhat reluctantly, and doing her best to lower the risks. She still regularly met John in the park when the weather was not too bad, but they had to cut out on other more intimate activities, since it was getting really too cold and wet for outdoors encounters such as the one they had shared on the day of Mary’s rush to the hospital. Anyway Anna thought it too dangerous to have that kind of intimate contact. It was frustrating, but what choice did they have. They tried to forget it by doing regular shared piano sessions via video call. Anna had by now well mastered the Moonlight Sonata, and had moved on to some more complex pieces. They were now studying Pachelbel’s Canon in D, and some pop songs too, like Lady Gaga’s “Always Remember us this way” from A Star is Born. Playing the piano, alone or along with John, was one of the few things that made Anna hang on, and shed some light on her days, that were otherwise very dull and exhausting. It was like a dark tunnel of similar days, treating more and more similar patients, saving some but also closing the eyes of many, and worrying about all her loved ones. Timmy was also splashing some joy on her daily life, as he behaved like a normal happy child, quite impervious to the grim context. He liked school very much, had made good friends and started to read his letters quite well, which was a great source of pride for his mother.

On another grey day, Anna was finishing the morning round in her unit, with the help of her new med student Khadeeja. Prikesht had moved on to another unit, and Khadeeja had been working with Anna for the past month. Anna liked very much the teaching part of her job, and students were usually very glad to do rounds with her. ICU could be a quite scary speciality, and she gave them the comfort to always be there for help or advice, which was very valuable. Thanks to the Optiflow technology, they now had less intubated patients, which brought the advantage that they could communicate with them, and their families could too, a great improvement since the first wave.

\- Alright, said Anna coming out of one patient’s room, I think it was the last one?

\- Yep, answered Gwen who was touring with them that morning.

\- Good. Now Khadeeja, you go take your lunch break, and after that you’ll need to call the family physicians of the new patients to get their detailed medical history.

\- Sure.

\- Meanwhile I’ll round up the morning prescriptions. And call M. Henley’s daughter to inform her that her father will probably pass away in the next hours…

Anna settled at the nurses’ desk to write her latest prescriptions into the computer. It took her about half an hour, and she was reaching for her phone to call the patient’s family, when Daisy the assistant nurse called out to her, from M. Henley’s room.

\- Er, Dr Smith?

\- Yes Daisy?

\- I think M. Henley’s already passed…

\- Oh. I’m coming.

In the room, Anna could only acknowledge that the patient was indeed dead. He had been one of her intubated patients and had been in the unit for several weeks, but although they had done their best to save him, and despite a rather young age of sixty-five, his diabetes and kidney failure had got the best of him. Anna put off the monitor, and closed the man’s eyes with a sigh. She rather dreaded the upcoming phone call. His daughter, a thirty-something woman, was close to giving birth, and now she had to tell him that his father would never get to know his grandchild. Anna reluctantly went back to the nurses’ desk and looked up in the man’s file for his daughter’s number. She dialled and took a deep breath as she waited for the woman to pick up:

\- Hello, Mrs Henley? Yes, this is Dr Smith from the hospital…

A few minutes later, Anna hung up:

\- You’re welcome, goodbye Mrs Henley.

It always felt weird to her, when she called people to tell them bad news, or worse, that their loved one was gone, and they ended up thanking her. She took it as a sign that despite the outcome, she had done her job well. That done, and before Khadeeja came back from lunch break so she could take hers, Anna started organizing her afternoon’s work. She had scheduled to do a pleural puncture on a patient who was suffering from pleurisy. She took a wheeled cart and started preparing all she needed for the procedure. Seeing that some items were missing from the nurses’ shelves, she went to the storage room to retrieve them. As she pushed the door open, she found herself almost tripping on Daisy, who was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands, weeping.

\- Daisy! she exclaimed. What… What are you doing here! What’s wrong??

The girl, who had to be no older than twenty-one or twenty-two, quickly straightened and wiped her eyes, looking alarmed at having been found.

\- It’s nothing, Dr Smith, nothing to worry about.

\- Yes I do worry about you Daisy, you’re obviously not well, what’s this about? Has something happened?

\- Not one thing in particular, moaned the girl, who still had tears running down her cheeks. It’s… everything…

Anna decidedly picked up her phone and called Khadeeja:

\- Hey Khad, are you back soon from lunch?

\- Yes I’m on my way, said the med student.

\- Alright, I’m going outside with Daisy for a moment. Call me if anything’s wrong in the unit. I won’t be long.

Then Anna hung up and took Daisy’s arm.

\- Come on, we’re going outside to take some fresh air. Let me just pick up my sandwich.

\- Oh, Dr Smith, really there’s no need for you to…

\- Hush, Daisy. And please call me Anna.

A few minutes later, the blonde and the brunette were sitting on a bench outside the hospital. It felt good to be able to get rid of their N95 masks for a little while. Anna was quickly eating her sandwich, while interrogating Daisy:

\- So, Daisy, what’s going on?

\- Well… I guess… I’m only having a hard time… I mean it’s been more than six months now, and it doesn’t seem to get better, in fact it’s getting worse and worse, and… I know it’s my job to deal with the dead patients, but… I never thought I’d have to wrap up so many people into body bags…

As Daisy said those words, her voice was trembling and she was starting to cry again. She wiped her eyes and looked up to Anna, whispering:

\- I dream about them you know, most nights… All those people on whose face I have closed the zipper… They won’t leave me.

\- I know, said Anna softly. I dream about them too, sometimes. They’re like a little graveyard, somewhere in my head. With time their faces become a little more blurry for some. Some stay very vivid.

\- You do? asked Daisy. It’s not only me then?

\- Of course not. But you have to learn to let them go, otherwise you’ll have yourself overwhelmed, and forget you are living among the living, and not among the dead. You can only last in our kind of jobs, if you learn to make peace with the dead, and let them go away.

\- And how do I do that? asked the young girl.

\- Maybe you should go talk to Lindsay? I bet she’ll be a better advice than me.

Daisy smiled, and nodded. Lindsay was one of the hospital’s counsellors. She received both patients, families or members of the staff. Anna had been to see her a few times, when she had had to deal with particularly difficult cases.

\- Alright, I will.

\- You have to take care of yourself Daisy, and protect yourself. We’re not super-humans, and as you said, it keeps getting worse. So if we need to go on for some time, we need to be careful. Otherwise you’ll just burn yourself out.

\- Thank you Anna, for taking some time to talk to me.

\- Anytime.

Anna briefly looked at her phone and said:

\- We should go back, we have plenty to do upstairs.

\- Sure, replied Daisy, getting up from the bench.

***

A few miles from there, at home, John Bates, in the middle of a day of remote-working, was having a break playing music. That day he had picked up his guitar, instead of sitting on his piano stool. After playing a few songs, he remembered one he and Anna had heard in Outlander’s fourth season. For the last few weeks, since they had had to drastically reduce their time together, John had found that he missed Anna very intensely. Not as a friend, he had to admit. What he felt for her, the state he found himself in when he wasn’t able to see her for several days, when he wasn’t able to touch her, led him to conclude that he felt more than friendship towards her. She had made herself very clear a few months back about not wanting a relationship, but he wondered if she had maybe evolved on that particular point. She could not deny that they enjoyed very much the time they spent together, whatever the activity, intimate or otherwise. Should he throw caution to the wind and make a move forward? He was afraid to lose her if he did, but at the same time, he was tired of this play-pretend game, fooling themselves about being just friends. He was madly in love with her, and there was nothing he could do about it. He decided to tiptoe around, and send her a recording of that particular song. If she took the hint, they’ll have an open discussion about their future. If she didn’t, well… he’ll think about another way. He looked for the music sheet, and started practising the song.

Moments later, John had recorded it, and his finger trembled lightly as he hesitated to press the “send” button. So much was at stake in this little and common gesture. He exhaled slowly, then closed his eyes, and sent.

***

That night, leaving the hospital, Anna checked her phone, and noticed that John had sent her a video. She smiled to herself, enjoying in anticipation. She kept it for later, when she would be quietly at home, and Timmy would be asleep. She mounted her bike and rode home to let Esther go home. She and Timmy had done a large flower painting after school, so Anna spent a moment admiring it and discussing with him their favourites types of flowers. When Timmy was put to bed and asleep, Anna crafted herself a hasty dinner, and put the phone in front of her plate to watch the video. She pressed play and picked up a bit of cheese with her fork. Somehow though, the cheese never completed its journey up to her mouth when she heard the beginning of the song. She stopped in her tracks, her fork half-way, her mouth half-opened. Her eyes could not leave the screen. While his hand were travelling on the guitar, John’s soft voice was singing:

“ _L is for the way you look at me_

_O is for the only one I see_

_V is very very extraordinary_

_E is even more than anyone that you adore can_

_Love is all that I can give to you_

_Love is more than just a game for two_

_Two in love can make it_

_Take my heart and please don’t break it_

_Love was made for me and you”_

As he finished singing, John sent a meaningful look to the camera, before cutting the recording off. Anna stood motionless over her plate, her heart racing. Was he saying something to her? Was there a special meaning behind him singing this particular song, or had he just picked it because Roger MacKenzie had sung it in Outlander and he liked it? There was no text accompanying the video, so she was left to draw her own conclusions. She hoped he was not telling her that he wanted to break their promise because she didn’t feel like she could deal with that right now. She rubbed her eyes and sighed, picking up her phone. How could she phrase her reply without sounding harsh or suspicious? She typed and erased several time, before sending:

“ _Hi John, I listened to your song, it was very nice. I have a question though. Are we still friends with benefits?”_

In his apartment, John was reading when he felt his phone buzz. He had been waiting for Anna’s response all afternoon, but figured she must have been at work. His throat closed a bit when he read the text. So she had picked up the hint. And he was not sure he would like where this was going. He typed back:

“ _I don’t know”_

He waited anxiously staring at his phone’s screen. He was watching the three little dots moving as Anna was typing her next text.

“ _Maybe we need to talk then. Face to face.”_

“ _I think we do, yes.”_

Of course, they had to have this conversation face to face. That was not the kind of talk to have over the phone or via texts.

“ _Tomorrow, nine o’clock. In the park”_

“ _I’ll be there”_

As he sent his reply, John felt an ominous feeling descend upon him. Had he just ruined it all?


End file.
